When I met Richard, my husband, October 10, 1981, he was sitting outside, and the sun was glinting off his red hair, and my whole body and soul said "wow!" Twenty-three years later, we’re still happy. It turned out to be a lasting love at first sight. How did I know?
I didn’t. It’s a lovely story, and all true , but it leaves out some important facts. The truth is that I felt that "wow!" to one degree or another for many guys while I was single. The difference is that with Richard, everything progressed pretty seamlessly from that first day until marriage. He turned out to be a good guy, our chemistry worked, and (with considerable work) we learned how to create a lasting, loving partnership. Now, more than 23 years later, we feel happy and blessed.
Our very good luck in having "love at first sight" came true only in hindsight. No one really knows at the beginning. Still, that initial flash of insight did exist, and was part of what later developed into lasting love.
I trust my intuition in many ways. If I'm thinking of someone, I call them. Sometimes, they were hoping I would. Once or twice, as I've picked up the phone to call , the friend I was calling was already on the line, and the phone hadn't even rung yet. At times people call me, and I say "You got my message" because I was just thinking of calling them.
Intuition and empathy are basic tools for a good psychotherapist. In my sessions, I pay attention to get the meta- communication -- the things clients *aren't* saying verbally – to help my clients clarify and solve their problems. I have operated on my intuition, balanced by rational thought, all my life, and it's led me to living a life that is all one piece, blending work, home and relationships, and that has meaning and joy for me. It also helps me help my clients learn to use their own intuition.
Intuition is not as magical or mysterious as it sounds. It's a mental tool that uses our perception of things that may not be obvious otherwise, such as someone’s facial expressions, pheromones (subliminal scent cues), past behavior and "vibes" to give us an impression we could not get on a rational level. Trusting intuition and giving yourself a chance to check it, opens up your receiving process -- so you notice what's coming your way, and can be open to it. Previously in this newsletter, I’ve explained "prepatory set" a tool our brains use to sort through all the overwhelming data coming in every moment, and filter out what you don't want to see, and highlight what you do want to see. This means that when you are open to getting intuitive info, you'll find it. Both the positive and negative opportunities and choices are around us all the time. Our expectations and perception determine which options we notice most readily.
With my therapy clients, I often trust my intuition about what they're thinking, but I am also aware I'm getting clues or "vibes" from them, which my subconscious is interpreting -- and it's pretty accurate. Clients are often astounded that I seem to know what they're thinking, but it's not magic -- it's just one more amazing emotional/psychological/mental skill we all have, that my training and experience have fine tuned. The mind, if we relax and trust it, truly has some miraculous abilities.
Intuitive expertise becomes really valuable when you’re looking for love. Use your intuition to tell if someone is lying – simply go slowly and check the person out as you go along. If you become aware that you are uncomfortable or afraid in someone’s presence, that’s your intuitive early warning system – pay very close attention and find out what is causing your negative reaction. If you take the time to get to know a new potential date, you’ll have a chance to check out the validity of both positive and negative intuition,. By keeping the relationship in the "friends" category, you will know more about the person before taking risks. If you feel pressured to go faster, see this as a warning. Begin getting to know a new person in group settings. By meeting people in safe venues and groups, you automatically begin as friends, and know more about your date before you begin dating. You also get the benefit of your other friends' reactions to your potential date – pay attention to their feedback, they could be right. Don't let attraction overrule your common sense. Your libido can't tell an ax murderer from a saint; but your intuition, backed up by rational thougt, can. Look for integrity make sure your date walks his or her talk. Anyone can talk big. Actually, some of the best people *don't* present themselves well don't overlook someone who is not gorgeous, charming and glib, but has all the qualities you really value.
Your intuition by itself may not be magic, but when you use it wisely, it can help make your dreams come true . (From It Ends with You) © 2005 Tina B. Tessina
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., (www.tinatessina.com) is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 25 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books, including "It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" (New Page 2003)""How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free" (New Page 2002) "The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again" (Wiley 2002) and "The Real 13th Step: Discovering Self-Confidence, Self-Reliance and Independence Beyond the Twelve Step Programs" (New Page 2001) She publishes the "Happiness Tips from Tina" e-mail newsletter and hosts "The Psyche Deli: delectable tidbits for the subconscious" a weekly hour long radio show on LeisureTalk.net. She is an online expert, answering relationship questions at www.CouplesCompany.com and Yahoo!Personals, as well as a Redbook Institute expert and "Psychology Smarts" columnist for First for Women. Dr. Tessina guests frequently on radio, and on such TV shows as "Oprah", "Larry King Live" and ABC news.