Just To Be Mom (article) by R A Beeman on AuthorsDen

I wrote this from my friends perspective on her life with her girls. i hope i did some justice to how she views her own life. As I sit and stare out of my heart’s eyes and I am ever, so ever thinking why. Why did life deal me these cards to play. I want my own hand my own way. I think about my life and where I have been and where I wish to be. Happy thoughts of a new life put a new smile on my face. One day, maybe I will have what I need just for me. But for now, I am quit content just to be mom and that is what is most important in my life. As life bogs me down in the muck and mire of life, I only have to listen to sounds that bring me out of the ooze. The soft, well sometimes, sounds of my girls fill me with more joy than any bog could suck out of me. As I gaze on their own young lives I see my own flash before my eyes. Two distinct human beings yet so much alike and an equal share of me in their own right. Alex is my girly girl. Sauntered with a certain grace, like, " Oh my God, " said in the way only girly girls can say. She is wise beyond her years, yet still full of childish life and yearning to be free from the child that she is. I watch her grow and am amazed that I see my own reflections coming from her life. I see myself in all that she does. Boys, Boys, Boys, like all young girls think deep within themselves. Tasseled hair weaves as she strives, and with eager anticipation , for a time when she is own her own. I don’t know if I will like that day. Alex is big sister. Knows more than she ever will think, yet so did I. She brings to my table of life a banquet of great things. She does her best in all that she tries. She may fail, but that will never stop her. ( Just like it never stopped me ). She brings pride to my table. A plateful of goodness. My little Alex sweet as a buttercup and all girls are made of sugar and spice. A smile and little grin crosses my face as I sit and ponder these words. I giggle to myself at being silly, but in reality this is my world right now. This is where I am and who I need to be. Not for me, but to my girls. My time will come in Destiny’s own way and own time. With that knowledge in my life I carry on just being mom. My baby Megan, or just Megs is the other side of me. Stubborn, do first without thinking, yet a complicated thinker and doer when she wants to be. A tomboy who takes no crap from anyone and who can dish it out and take it as well. She tries to play me for who I am and says what she thinks I want to hear just to get an advantage with something she had in her mind. I remember myself once upon a time. How has she grown from my little baby softly cooing in my arms. Blessing me each day, yet deep in my mind I knew also she will be little no more. I yearn to teach her the best way I know. To show her what it is just to be a mom. She doesn’t know what is on the inside of mom. She doesn’t see the struggles that I fight. Why should she anyway, she just sees her mom. One she needs more than anyone. She is a brash little rascal. Voiced raised as she screams her wants and want too’s. Even the threat of physical discipline blows over her like a soft wind. She is hard in that way and I don’t know. Maybe I do know, maybe I do see, I just don’t want too . Another glass of wine feels my senses and warms my soul. I look into my own life and my need to be whole. United with my own self within a man’s body is what I really need. But just not today. For all I need today is just to be mom. Written this day. September 22, 2007 for one of the greatest women to ever enter into my life. With all the love I can give, I give you my words. Always, Randy

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