It’s pretty obvious that there’s an extreme shortage of common sense these days. So I’ve finally decided to jump on the gravy train myself.
You see, I’ve discovered a far greater threat to humanity than Global Warming, Second Hand Smoke, Cholesterol, ED and even Acid Reflux disease. In fact, scientists are now calling my discovery the Big Slam, or simply BS. I’m afraid we humans are doing it again, sealing our doom with our own actions.
I’ve recently discovered through my extensive research that there is now a strong body of scientific and historical evidence that just can’t be denied. Due to our daily motions, walking around, combing our hair, walking up stairs, etc. there has slowly been a shift in the earth’s orbit due to an increase in the tilt of the earth’s axis.
This shift has been accelerated by recent population movements from Mexico northward, and a recent increase in Eurasian populations moving to the west.
The scientific data strongly indicates that since 1492 this has slowly caused a .00000000002% increase in tilt of the earth’s axis. I know what you’re thinking, but you can get some pretty darn actuate measurements with some sticks, stars, string and the sun, and by studying old oil paintings. Anyway.. The data is also strongly supported by other historical evidence, dinosaur foot prints in particular. These foot prints indicate that 65,000,000 years ago the dinosaurs had engaged in a very similar geo-population shift, which in turn resulted in the astrological collision which exterminated them. Further studies also indicate that returning everybody to the same geo-position they occupied in 1492 may even worsen the crisis, due to the sudden added motion that would cause. However, there is something we can do to avoid this disaster.
We just have to stand still more. Now we all know that there are those among us who just won’t conform when confronted with genus. But there is something we can do to put “those people” in line. We need to make some new laws.
So to save the world, I am now forming the Legislative Institute for Evidential Science, or LIES for short. You are welcome to join and I do need your help. By all means send money if that's the best you can do. But I also need some physical assistance to get the ball rolling.
First I need some more scientists to sign on. It doesn’t matter what your discipline is. Ph.D. in micro biology would be fine, in fact, it doesn’t even have to a Ph.D. in the sciences. Even a Ph.D. in Marketing would help. The main thing is “The Doctor Part”
Next I’m going to need some media people to get on board. Then for the final stage, I need some school teachers, lawyers and politicians. Oh...I’m sorry, I almost left out the Tee Shirt People. My apologies. Any way here’s how we are going to save the world..
First we need to get a couple of million dollars from the governments to do some more “Research” Then we’ll publish the “Shocking Results.”
The next step is to get someone in Hollywood on board, I'm thinking maybe Barbara Stressland or Tom Hinks. Then we have to get one of our “scientists” on the tube, probably on Oprah, or at least Larry King. That’s where they can gain celebrity status as an expert and our spokesperson.
Then it will be time to get our “school teachers” to start moving on this. They can start out by indoctrinating our little tikes with, “Children, do your parents move around more than they really should?” You can help save the world by gluing your father and mother’s slippers to floor. It’s for their own good. What other ideas can you come up with children?” Then of course, we’ll have them make up all those nice little hand made signs and march them to city hall with a petition.
Once we’ve got the momentum going, it’s time to turn it over to our lawyers and politicians to come up with some new laws.
Now these days, you need a target for your laws. My suggestion is the middle class family. Everybody else, and especially us of course, should have special exemptions from these laws.
We need to start out with localized “fast walking” ordinances, a simple $25.00 fine should do for starters. Then we can move on to “unnecessary lawn mowing”, that’s a first time hundred bucks, second time five hundred, and third time, one thousand plus thirty days in the klink. At this stage we’ll bring in our corporations.
We’ll have congress mandate a 16 hours work day in which employees will have to spend the first eight of those hours with their hands folded, sitting silently and motionlessly at their desks. Then of course the corporations will have to assist further by writing up, docking, and firing employees who work too fast.
For the next stage...Since an astrological collision would certainly adversely effect the health and welfare of young children, we also need to legislate some new child abuse laws.
Family services should be able to take away the children, if parents do not conform. ie, unnecessary trips to the refrigerator, getting up to change the channel by hand, rather than using the remote, walking to the store, rather than driving. (The rolling of tires contribute far less to BS, than the pounding of feet on the earth surface.)
Last but not least, I do expect to get paid for my genus and the contribution I am making to society. So a simple a half mill a year will do, and of course, a mere five million a year expense account, with all travel expense covered.
So let’s get out there people, before it’s too late. And remember!... The more we focus on BS, the better off we "smarter than other people" will be. -0-
P.S. My apologies to the real and wonderful school teacher's who actually educate our children, rather than use them to advance their own personal political agendas