More on BS from the Institute..
The Legislative Institute for Evidential Science (LIES) has just released the shocking results of another major study related to the Big Slam, or as we like to call it at the Institute “BS”. Our newest report clearly indicates that people who fly are more likely to die in plane crashes than the general population at large. That’s not the worst of it, it seems those “flyers” nasty little habit is also ruining the lives of both non-flyers and anti-flyers alike. The study goes on to prove that aside from the immediate hazard of being struck on the ground by falling airplanes, there are also other horrible major consequences we are all suffering as a result of second hand flying hazards. The report clearly charts the dramatic increases in diseases since the Wright brothers first got their evil contraption off the ground. Since 1906, statistics clearly indicate a substantial increase in the number of cancer cases, heart disease, Obesity, and Mental Illness, just to name a few. This can be easily attributed to the millions of gallons of aircraft fuel being burnt over head every day. These conditions are also further acerbated by the stress of the trip to the airport and lost baggage. Not to mention the contribution to Global Warming and the added tilt to the earth's axis. Who are these “flyers” anyway? Our report goes on to state that they are greedy business people trying speed up making a buck by flying every where. They’re are also those creeps who are too good to take vacations at home like the rest of us. Plain and simple, vermin that put their own enjoyment above the health and welfare of the rest of us, and our children. Prior to 1906 nobody was flying around (well, maybe a few non-polluting balloons). So for over 4000 years it is clear that we managed to survive and thrive without it. So aside from dropping a few bombs now and then, The Institute recommends that flying should be totally abolished. The report goes on to state that with cells phones, TV and the internet, flying serves absolutely no purpose other than the enjoyment of the above mentioned selfish vermin. The final recommendations of the report are as follows: Since flying is completely unnecessary and apparently addictive, it must be phased out in an orderly manner. Phase one. All aircraft, including military, must have big labels painted on them stating. ”The surgeon general has determined that flying is a health hazard.” A sin tax of $2,000.00 will be added to the purchase of all airline tickets and the immediate confiscation of all frequent flyer miles. Phase two. An immediate ban of all airline advertising. Then a fifty billion law suit will be initiated against the airlines by government. The proceeds of the suit will be turned over to The Institute to create hate advertising campaigns against “Flyers” and the industry using school children. Phase three The immediate closing of Disney World, Six Flags, Atlantic City and Las Vegas. This will be followed by local ordinances which will prevent anyone other than local residents from going to beaches, visiting national landmarks, or other “Tourist” attractions. Phase Four The seizure of all private aircraft. Exorbitant fines for any radio or TV station that utilized aircraft for traffic reports or police stand offs. Phase Five Track down and punish all former flyers as an example to other vermin who think they can enjoy life more than the rest of us. This can easily be accomplished by adding former flyers to the new anit-smoker laws. Where as, having their children taken away and turned over to family services; having them fired from their jobs; denying them health care, and eventually imprisonment. Now by pursuing this course of action, not only will we take care of the immediate problem, but it will also help decrease unnecessary motion, and thus postpone the Big Slam. Remember, the more you support The Institute's BS program, the longer we'll live, and the more fun life is going be for all of us.