AuthorsDen.com   Join Free! | Login    
   Popular! Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry
Where Authors and Readers come together!

SIGNED BOOKS    AUTHORS    eBOOKS new!     BOOKS    STORIES    ARTICLES    POETRY    BLOGS    NEWS    EVENTS    VIDEOS    GOLD    SUCCESS    TESTIMONIALS

Featured Authors:  Darryn Murphy, iFrancis Eaden, iAaron Cole, iDiana Perkins, iNancy Neville, iLinda LeBlanc, iCharles Neff, i

  Home > Humor > Articles Popular: Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry     

Dana Reed

· + Follow Me
· Contact Me
· Books
· Articles
· Poetry
· Stories
· Blog
· 144 Titles
· 312 Reviews
· Save to My Library
· Share with Friends!
·
Member Since: Jul, 2004

   newsletter

Subscribe to the Dana Reed Newsletter. Enter your name and email below and click "sign me up!"
Name:
Email:
Dana Reed, click here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.

Books by Dana Reed

Pocket Taser Gun
by Dana Reed   
Not "rated" by the Author.
Last edited: Thursday, July 03, 2008
Posted: Thursday, July 03, 2008

  Print   Save    Follow    Share 

Recent articles by
Dana Reed

True Journalism
Buying AmexGift Cards--Update
Buying AmexGift Cards are
I Was Shocked By The Violence
Getting It Right
Writing Period Pieces
A Christmas Poem Written by A Marine-Update
           >> View all

A man bought a pocket taser gun for his wife. And being a man, had to try it out. This is soooo funny.

 

 

 

 

I didn't write this. Wish I had. It came to me as an email file and was too funny not to share.

 


Pocket Taser Stun Gun; a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

 Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

 WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

 Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit'. Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad, I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and—

 

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!  WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! WHAT THE HELL!!!

 I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
 testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

Web Site: Dana Reed at Authors Den


Reader Reviews for "Pocket Taser Gun"


Want to review or comment on this article?
Click here to login!


Need a FREE Reader Membership?
Click here for your Membership!


Reviewed by Karla Dorman, The StormSpinner 12/4/2009
Laughing too hard to comment, except to say, this is a keeper - LOL LOL LOL!

(((HUGS))) and love, Karla.
Reviewed by Keith Rowley 7/3/2008
Ouch!
Reviewed by Elizabeth Taylor (Reader) 7/3/2008
I love it. Where can I get one?

Love,
Bette
Popular Humor Articles
  1. There Is a Their There
  2. Conniving My Retirement
  3. Merry Atheistmas
  4. Impromptu: Very Funny
  5. The 2000 Year Old Man
  6. Marinating on my TV
  7. Well, There's a Power Struggle
  8. J. Carson as R. Reagan
  9. Really Dumb Joke 9
  10. Giving Directions

Hand in Glove by Paddy Bostock

Never judge a zebra by its stripes.....  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

Don't Ask and I Won't Have to Lie by Beverly Mahone

We know LYING is wrong BUT—lying happens sometimes when it comes to what we will or will not reveal to other people—-or our own denial about who we really are…… ..  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

Authors alphabetically: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Featured Authors | New to AuthorsDen? | Add AuthorsDen to your Site
Share AD with your friends | Need Help? | About us


Problem with this page?   Report it to AuthorsDen
© AuthorsDen, Inc. All rights reserved.