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L. G. Figgins

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Linda's Lament
by L. G. Figgins   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Posted: Wednesday, March 30, 2005

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14th century Middle English, from Latin inevitabilis
:incapable of being avoided or evaded

There are certain things that you observe through time as being re-occuring phenomonen. I'd like to know whether these observations are universal or simply bad karma following behind me...

The Kitchen

1) If you want light toast, the cheap toaster you bought at the outlet store will burn your bread. If you want dark toast, you have to push down the lever twice to get it. When you put in an English muffin, at least 1/4 of it will be lodged inside the toaster after toasting.

2) When cooking an omelet and just at the stage where you would fold it over, the phone will ring. The cat will jump onto the buffet and send a dish crashing to the floor. Your neighbor will come to the door wanting to borrow your weed-wacker.

3) You want to bake a cake but there's always one ingredient you don't have on hand. The resourceful cook learns to make do by substituting. Mayonnaise in place of eggs as an example. So what if your chocolate cake tastes like potato salad?

4) You will forget to take out the garbage several times in your short lifetime, and when you hear the garbage truck coming up the street you will run to get it, trip over the cat, knock over the garbage bin and send coffee grounds and egg shells spewing all over
your freshly mopped floor.

The Bathroom

1) After finishing your "duties" on the toilet, you realize that the toilet paper roll is down to cardboard. The toilet paper is in the linen closet in the hall.

2) As soon as you get into the tub, the phone will ring. The cat will jump onto the vanity and turn the hair dryer on HIGH, or your neighbor will come to the door and want to borrow your electric trimmer.

3) When rushed for time and while doing your hair and make-up, that will be the day that your mascara blotches under your eyes, the curling iron will burn your fingers, or you poke yourself in the eye and it starts to water and all your make-up runs and makes you look like a prize fighter.

4) The chance of losing at least one ring or earring down the drain increases with age, as the absent-mindedness brought on by deep thought is even more pronounced. You may also grab the tube of zinc oxide and proceed to brush your teeth with it, or use the can of air freshener as hair spray.

The Living Room

1) Your favorite bracelet will fall off and get lost in the sofa. You have to turn it upside down and tear open the lining on the bottom to find it. You also find a debit card; the stray sock that disappeared; the paperback book you had to pay for at the library because you couldn't find it; twelve assorted pens; eyeglasses and popcorn kernals.

2) You hit the volume button on the remote control when an abnoxious commercial is playing and while trying to turn it down, you hit the stereo power button whose volume was cranked to the max. In the span of one decade, you will lose that remote on the average of 9,356 times. The odds are phenomenally high that the battery storage compartment lid will be lost and so will one of your batteries--when one of your children is on the local newscast for two minutes and you want to record them.

3) Your favorite chair will be taken over by your cat, particularly one that is brand new and especially comfortable. He/she will then proceed to leave a layer of white hair on it as a love gift to you. Once he/she has slept on the chair, whenever you are sitting in it the cat will jump up wanting to sit on your lap. This often occurs when you are holding a cup of hot coffee or are trying to re-string a necklace.

4) The pilot light will go out on your gas fireplace on the coldest night of winter. Of course, being mechanically challenged, this will happen late at night so you have to drag out the space heater because you don't want to wake a man out of bed. That reminds me, clothes dryers tend to breakdown in the middle of winter, also.

The Bedroom

1) The chance of waking in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and walking into a wall is quite high. So is tripping over something you can't see is there, usually something delicate like a craft project or the box of your grandmother's hand-painted china. The cat goes without saying.

2) At least once you will set the alarm clock at p.m. instead of a.m. And instead of music to wake you, the drone of talk radio will not wake you and you will go on sleeping. You will sleep until 9:15. Of course this will be the morning of the important meeting or appointment that you will have to re-schedule.

3) You open your bedroom window at night when its warm. The full moon glows on this side of the house and a lovely breeze is blowing. The trees rustle softly and a cricket chirps a lullabye. The guy next door cranks up his stereo at 11:30 at night. He likes to open his windows too. And have loud parties in the middle of the week.

4) The cat likes to sleep on your bed. Unfortunately, he likes to sleep on top of your chest so you can't move. He also drools in his sleep. When you wake up, what you think is a night sweat is actually cat drool. Ce la vie...


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Reviewed by Ronald Hull
What a hoot! It's a good thing I have helpers do all the things so I don't have to... ;-)

Reviewed by Dale Clark
lol This is rich.
Reviewed by Poetess of The Soul Sheila G
YOur full of sprite Linda-Thanks, I enjoyed reading the familiar... some Karma- I believe. I like your choice of positioning your ?'s and observations of your home with placement too... Pretty smart of you.Grabbed out attention! ;) HuGs-Lady,Sheee
Reviewed by Dave Harm
Murphy's law... or... Gayton's law? This is a list that can keep growing and growing... as long as you own a cat. More then once, late at night, you'll hear a screeetch, as I either trip over or step on our cat... I think he likes the pain, just to see bounce into walls...
Reviewed by A Serviceable Villain

And quite the quintessential lament I might add! A very profound and humorous write on re-occuring phenomonen ... a very exacting write!! Enjoyed this one!!

Best wishes,

Reviewed by Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado
*grins* :)
Reviewed by Mr. Ed
You will forget to take out the garbage several times in your short lifetime, and when you hear the garbage truck coming up the street you will run to get it, trip over the cat, knock over the garbage bin and send coffee grounds and egg shells spewing all over
your freshly mopped floor.

Amazing! This exact same thing happens to me every Wednesday on Garbage Collection Day - and, oh, my God, it's Wednesday, gotta run!
PS The dogs and cats take turns tripping me, too.
Reviewed by m j hollingshead
Reviewed by George Carroll
Ce la vie indeed. What reflections on the average day in a humans life. LOL
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