Finding the Spirit
edited: Wednesday, August 24, 2005
By Pamilla deLeon- Lewis
Rated "G" by the Author.
Posted: Tuesday, August 23, 2005
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Finding the spirit...the inner strength in the midst of personal turmoil.
When breast cancer came calling my whole existence went into slow motion mode. I was wishing the biopsy would prove my precognitive dream false. Then I could go back to business as usual. I knew in my heart what the answer would be and I shook like a leaf tossed in the windy gales of a summer storm. I was rattled beyond my own comprehension. I have never felt such fear. It was paralyzing; it immobilized me.
The news from the doctor sent me into an emotional tailspin. I could not fathom his confirmation of my dream. It was weird because I had sought out the surgeon because of the dream. In the dream the doctor told me I was going to be alright; those words were my point of reassurance when I was totally losing myself. Knowing ahead of time was no comfort. I was in a state of severe emotional chaos. I was so stressed out, and confused and, scared,I could barely function. I felt myself being sucked into an abyss of depression and self loathing.
I felt like spoiled goods; like I had somehow tainted my family; past, present, and future. Initially, I felt shame and suprise and disappointment and I wanted to keep this a secret from family and friends. It was going to be my little secret.
This cancer was not just in my breast, it was steadily invading my mind, my every thought. and it was threatening to kidnap my very soul. I could not allow this to happen especially since it was affecting my personality and I had a twelve year old depending on me. I saw the hurt and fear in her eyes. Cancer was beginning to erode my daughter's academic ability. Her grades were beginning to suffer and her teachers informed me that she was distant and distracted, and always crying and sad. That did it, my daughter was in the gifted program since pre- kindergarten and I was not about to let breast cancer invade her life too.
I went into a survival mode after I had a good cry at the Pity Party that I gave for myself. I knew that I had to make a break from this type of behavior. It was reactive and self destructive. I was accomplishing nothing this way; nothing at all.
I was emotionally and spiritually drained. I felt trapped by this disease with no where to go. I felt alone andat this time I even felt lonely. I realized then that I had to reach out to my source, my God , if I was going to survive this.
I was in the mirror facing my demon. confronting cancer, yelling and shouting at breast cancer in anger and frustration when I found my answer; when I stumbled upon my inner strength... my faith ...my spirit...my determination. I heard my inner voice speaking to me, whispering to me in the midst of my disaster. It was a voice I recognized but ignored so many times. It was a voice that spoke to me always, in my dreams, in my daily living. It was a voice that I had grown to ignore most of the times. It was a voice that never led me in the wrong direction...
But it was not always easy to distinguish this voice, this being. It was not always easy to identify the spirit because there are two voices, two spirits, two entities.
One was trying desperately to keep me in doubt and fear, confused and disoriented. The voice, the spirit that was was one and the same with breast cancer; the demon. The real voice/spirit was one that wanted me to have faith, hope and determination. The spirit that had the will to fight back, to stay grounded in faith and the spirit that kept me hopeful and determined.
Identifying the enemy and facing it was one step in the fight for my survival during personal turmoil. The most important step was realizing that it couldn't be done alone and admitting help was needed. Family, friends, pets, and most importantly God were needed.
In the daily fight for survival my vision was blurred because my health was compromised. This was when the enemy attacked- I lost focus and I was vulnerable. I doubted my inner strength and became discouraged and depressed.
Sometimes it seemed like the fates were against me. However, life's obstacles did not deter me from my personal triumphs. I forged upward and onward to meet my goals; not necessarily my destiny
Be vigilant; protect the spirit. Remember the enemy is sneaky and dangerous. My enemy is Breast Cancer. Who or what is your enemy? Have you identified it? If you have, ask yourself a few questions and solidify a plan of action.
Cling steadfastly to beliefs. Sometimes it becomes the sole life line; the saving grace. During the darkest hours of the storm it can become impossible to hold on. But hold on we must. We must weather the storm. It may be necessary to go outside our comfort zone. It may be time to re- examine our lives, question our beliefs, and make life changing decisions.
Establish and develop a relationship with God. It is the single most proactive choice we can make. Faith is nothing if it is not tested and tried. Stand firmly on it; focus steadily on the enemy, and never lose site of goals. Rebuke the demon daily in the name of Jesus and through it all laugh; it is therapeutic.
We handle the things that we can and stay optimistic, trusting in our hearts and in our souls that God will bring us through the storm. If we believe and have faith as tiny as a mustard seed we will be able to move mountains. Stop worrying and feeling sorry for self; fight with every fiber of the being. Desperate situations call for desperate measures.
The enemy must not take control of the mind, the intellect, and/ or the soul. Keep it at bay; pray, pray, pray. Stay optimistic and nourish the spirit regularly to keep it strong and centered.
The spirit is the core of the being- it needs sustenance. Let the spirit drink the nourishment provided by the Lord as it hungers for righteousness. Remember the spirit can grow weak but it will never die. Inner strength comes from the God within. It doesn’t take an awful lot to revive the spirit. Prayer and meditation does; the Word of God fortifies the soul; they are free and always available.
Faith, prayers and the Word of God: therein lays the inner strength in the midst of our personal turmoil