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Sandra A. Mushi

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I Don't Want To Get Married
by Sandra A. Mushi   
Not "rated" by the Author.
Last edited: Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Posted: Tuesday, July 25, 2006

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Some serious food for thought - a friend forwarded me this article. This is for your loved sister, who is pretending that 'I don't want to get married!'

The myth that women can be single, senior and satisfied is the greatest lie by chauvinists.

By Catherine Isaboke

(not me - I'm Sandra A. Mushi - just to set the record straight!!)


Young women beware, you will soon get into the trap many girls have found themselves in - single, senior and disillusioned. Do not go far, look at yourself in the mirror. There is no way that beauty, that grace, could have  been created to be admired only on the mirror.


Life is better when shared, try it! The myth that you can be single, senior and satisfied has been spreading faster than even the gospel itself. Incidentally, those who spread it have never been married and may never marry. There is no denying that there are lots of unhappy marriages. There are also very many happy marriages. There are a lot of women who would do anything to remain married.


In marriage, they have found meaning, satisfaction, happiness and a purpose for life. I wonder where the myth came from. It could be we are victims of our own success. We got education and we are now in the Cabinet. What next? We have forgotten that material things, jobs, status never satisfy. It is other people who satisfy.


As we go up the academic or career ladder, we burn too many bridges because of the myth that men are brutes, will mistreat you, will leave you for a younger woman and cannot be trusted. We rarely blame ourselves.


I know many women who are reckless and their husbands regret marrying them. Many women will agree with me that we are actually better cheaters than men, except that men are foolish enough to be caught!


This myth that life is better without a man has found a very fertile ground among young girls after they read novels, follow soppy soaps and movies where actors are paid to say anything. These and other lobbies have made young women see marriage as a plague to avoid, leading to disillusionment and emotional misery.


As teenagers we are attractive. Every man, from the youngest to the oldest, is after us. This attraction goes on till we get into campus. Unfortunately, by the end of third year, the cheerleading crowd made of speculators, all after sex, has diminished significantly. We think at this age that we are ideal.


Suddenly in our mid-20s, we realise that all the men who hovered around us like flies were opportunists and are gone. We become very hostile to men. We spend hours talking about our ex, never exes! We love embarrassing men and talking about it.


Once bitten twice shy. After getting booted a number of times, we now start analysing any man who tries to approach us. But since men behave almost the same way in wooing us or seducing us, we find it hard to differentiate a serious man from a joker.


Time passes as we do our naive analysis. Unfortunately, as we become more experienced in analysis, fewer men come by, meaning the few we get, the more we scrutinise them and the more faults we find in them.


Those of us who do not marry in our 20s will go past 30 into the age of  reality. We will realise that men are not that bad. They can be tamed and a bird at hand is worth many in the bush.


The reality is that at this age, there are younger and more attractive competitors. We find security in numbers, "I am not the only single woman." We also find refuge in new churches that do not demand too much from us except tithe. Many single women above 30 have a curious attraction to the church.


The reality has another side. By 30s we have travelled to wherever our hearts desired. We have a house and other earthly dreams. We realise that our life is still empty, meaningless. We realise it is the small things that matter, a hug in the moonlight, cuddling a baby, and nothing can replace trust in man for life.


The hardest reality is seeing our younger sisters, former classmates and friends, all married. We realise that our new friends are those who "missed the boat". We have nothing in common with these friends except moaning and pretending that men are not oxygen. But deep inside, we would wish we are no longer called by our father's name. We realise the numbers of visitors have reduced, we prefer being at work or church than home.


At this age, when 40s is knocking, we would go for any man. But even that "any" man is not there. Men at that age are married or "going down" to younger girls. At this age we realise that the men we claimed were not serious were actually very serious. They have grown rich, got beautiful wives who never age because they are taken care of by kind men.


We hope a miracle will happen, before the window of opportunity is permanently closed, and the biological clock stops. At this age all the excuses are gone.


Young women, think for yourself. Do not believe that grapes are sour. There are very many good men out there, waiting to be loved and love in return. Do not live a lonely life like a buffalo and pretend that is an achievement.


* The writer is a student at Kenyatta University

(to set the record straight again - not me!!)


Reader Reviews for "I Don't Want To Get Married"

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Reviewed by srinath reddy (Reader) 5/29/2011
Marriage isn't any thing about feelings or so.yes your are thinking that iam a weirdo.Let me explain it you.We are all animals who have been improvising from the past million years from bacteria to human beings.Some transformed into animals on land and some in water.Did u ever think why???.U see every body like to choose a person who is rich or beautiful or having strength or a equal(of u r value) but never a lesser person.only in about 20% of the cases u see u opt for a person who is less than u.this is the also the 20% which gets to mate with the person of more we have been improvising over years.Now after love what happens??we want to pass on our strengths to our offspring and we want to make sure that they live with dignity and respect in the society so that they get to mate with higher valued we work for the rest of our lives to make sure that the offspring gets it.It's in our DNA guys to improvise..we cant change it..even if u want to change it u have to try changing for years of generations ...we can even try to explain our emotions based on this..The pleasure we get by having sex is the happiness that we are making a offspring better than ourselves.The sadness that we feel when the loved one leaves u is comming from the loss of a good strength or a good gene in his or her DNA.The anger we feel when another person takes on your loved one is that the another person is also going to make an offspring from from u r loved one and u want a better person for yourself so u r angry with her or even leave u r loved one.See u can explain each and everything in u r life with this.There is nothing like love.The dejection u get after u r menopause is from the feeling that u r not going make offspring anymore.Admit it guys what do u think when u see a better person than u r spouse or lover when that person walks by. you would feel a sad feeling in u r mind.In u r teen age or from 16 - 25 for men and 13-25 for women u feel an urge for love .It is not actually it.Its an urge to get an offspring as soon as possible or catch hold of the person u want to mate with so that nobody takes him/her.U go to good schools and colleges and its all comes down to this,"GETTING A GOOD PERSON TO MAKE AN OFFSPRING BETTER THAN U OR MANY OTHERS".Me even writing this comment is myself looking for a good person so that i can get a offspring who is even better than u or u r offspring if u r my gender.So lets try to leave this part of gene in our DNA behind and enjoy a single life.You may think that i am a biologist or a student pursuing biology who is gone berserk by reading Darwins theory.No i am an engineering student in in india.I may be not good as many of u are at writing articles or comments if any mistakes commited please excuse me.. :) thanku
Reviewed by Angella Campbell 1/10/2010
I agree with Ingrid. This social obsession with marriage is what has so many young women responsing to men as if they are God figures instead of just another human being, just like themselves. Any person this obssessed with being married, as we all have been, does not have a sense of centering with God or that which is higher than them because when our spirituality becomes all it can be we see everything constructed in this life in a different way. The idea is to understand what it means to rise in the morning, take in oxygen and live on planet earth. We all need love, but you seem to be speaking of marriage not love. I cannot intertwine the two when I've seen the most miserable people together living in marriage. I mean, it is an institution like any other and those seldom come without feelings of rigidness and lack of a type of respect for the individuals in the institution.

Furthermore, so many women and men actually experience what can be compared to slavery (another former institution)in marriage becuase of the work expectancy of both of them-roles that slowly become who the person is suppose to be and ownership can begin to take shape. There is a reason people say it's not easy. It complicates life in a way that only those whoe experience it can tell. Don't get me wrong, it is a great thing if you can find the right partner, but by itself it really means nothing unless everything outside of marriage is right and balanced. It's like everything else in life...there is good, not so bad and terrible...keep your eye on God...everything else should not be an obsession since we don't even know if tomorrow is ours, much less marriage.
Reviewed by Charlie 7/28/2008
Very interesting. I think a woman can get great satisfaction in being married--in having a family... but beauty for these reasons sounds, well, it sounds selfish--self-centered! Why cannot a woman be beautiful, just because she is... just because God wanted to say He loved her... attracting people to her, so she can give-give-give, thus becoming more beautiful as the time goes by.

The LAST thing we want, is to encourage single women (and we know there are more of them than men) to set their sights on the men who are already taken! This kind of talk can only lead to poorer self-image and worsen conditions...

Women do not need men to rationalize their beauty! Beauty is, as beauty does. I hope she'll see the light some day. --Charlie
Reviewed by Mary Coe 6/11/2007
Reviewed by M Gaynor (Reader) 1/29/2007
This is a terrible, terrible article! The cynicism displayed by this writer seems to outweigh any cynicism I have ever experienced from single or happily un-married women.

The broad, sweeping generalisations and fairly amatuerish formulation and development of ideas reinforces to me a fairly naive and immature view of the progress of a woman's emotional development.

Reviewed by Gina Thompson (Reader) 11/30/2006
Listen to me Sandra dear, many women DON'T want to get married simply because they don't want to. We are not disillusioned. And YES, a woman does NOT need a man to complete her in any way. It's women like you who make men feel superior. And as for Ronald Hull, a good opportunity?!! Ha!!! Since when is being a man's doormat and being told what to think, how to be, what to eat, who to befriend, and how to look, a good opportunity?!!!!
Reviewed by Ronald Hull 7/29/2006
Well thought out and written. Some have many choices. Some have none. I tink a woman shouldn't pass up a good opportunity when it comes along. It may never come again.

Reviewed by Birgit and Roger Pratcher 7/26/2006
This article did make us grin. Love is definitely not "age-based", seems as if over 40 is a sin by now (hehehe). For some marriage is perfect, for others it's not. Ir sure is hard for most to combine marriage and family with a career. A lot of people think they do, but they forget that food and bed is not all a family needs. Sacrifices will have to be made, for marriage or for career. It was a very interesting point of view here, sounding as if the person has made up her mind before life even had a chance to happen. (And it actually does still happen once you've passed 40). But, it is well penned. Thanks for letting us enjoy this work.
Love and Peace, B&R
Reviewed by Tami Ryan 7/26/2006
As I read this article, I found myself wondering, "Who is this writer, and where does she get her information?" It sounds to me as if this writer has had bad experiences with men and is rather bitter about male/female relationships. When I got to the end of the article and saw that she is a student, I have to wonder about her age... perhaps she is not writing of experience, but rather is writing based on a perspective that others around her have (those who are clearly bitter).

I disagree with much of this article and can't agree more with those who have already commented: happiness can only be found within. As wo/men, we need to focus on healing ourselves and learning and growing so that we have something valuable to offer. Only when we love ourselves - first and most - can we be accepting and have something worthwhile to offer another.
Reviewed by Peter Paton 7/26/2006

I admire Ingrid's review..
I ditto it

Reviewed by Ingrid Khola (Reader) 7/26/2006
Gud point Sista BUT "In marriage, they have found meaning, satisfaction, happiness and a purpose for life" I think not, these everyone needs to find within themselves and for themselves so that the Partner compliments and doesn't complete the person.
Life is very unpredictable, in the event of the marriage not being there anymore, be it due to Death/Divorce/Separation then one should carry on "finding meaning, satisfaction, happiness and a purpose for life". People get married to "marriage" not a Partner because it's a norm for a certain age not because it's the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

Most single successful women are single not by choice but because there are far much less men as opposed to women, subtracting gay,married,in jail there isn't much left. Successful women know what they want and where they are going and expects the same from a Partner. If marriage doesn't happen you make the best of your life instead of living in the "meantime", hoping for Mr Right. This obsession about marriage is going out of hand, if you are successful and independant it always weighs against you if you have a man or not, if you are Married and have a family or not. "Just have a man" he can be worth nothing , adding no value to your life with nothing to offer in the relationship, just have a man to shut everybody else up?

The concept that most men have about successful women in their 30's is that they are desperate that's why most women just save themselves all the trouble of getting involved with people who have nothing to offer, indecisive in their old age what they want in life, in a relationship. Women have the right be loved and respected but sadly most existing relationships and marriages lack these and they lack commitment.

There are still some good BUT VERY VERY FEW men, with me it's about the quality of life rather than conforming because of the fear of being alone and lonely.Most married people and people in relationships are still lonely and alone.

Life has no formula or recipe , from where I am I can't judge other people since I don't know what they went through for them to make the choices they make about life. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but at the end of the day It's your life, you have only one life. God has destined you and the book of your life is already written, if no chapter in it entails marriage then you can go to hell and back, it's not going to happen as it's not meant for you.

Let life be, let life happen, the rest will take care of itself.
Claim what you believe you deserve from the Person in your life, it's your right to be happy. Marriage is not an achievement, if you are not married you are not a failure in life. Some will get married, some for one reason or another not, simple as that.

Going to church is being referred to in a context that implies it's uncool, well on the contrary I don't think people go to Church because they have nothing else to fill their time with, I think their spirit has grown and they are filling their time with meaningful things and meaningful people.

Real friendships don't go by what you commonly accomplish in life but by what you have in common as individuals.

Beauty should be shared I agree but only with a person that appreciates it.

I can go on forever on this, however this is an excellent write laying out all challenging stages of a woman's life but naive to an extent.

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