Celebrities ripe for roasting
edited: Wednesday, November 06, 2002
By Ken L Kupstis
Posted: Wednesday, November 06, 2002
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Not 'roasting' as per the Friar's Club, but ROASTED ON A FLAMING SPIT...but since that's against the law, we'll stick with the "Friar's Club" plan.
First of all, as an American, I do not fault anyone for trying to make a decent living by any means not involving crime. Secondly, as a Christian, if any of these "Celebrities" were hanging off a cliff, I WOULD pull them to safety, I'd just wash my hand thoroughly afterwards.
ANNA NICOLE SMITH richly deserves an apple stuffed in her mouth; it'll block any more unnecessary carbohydrates entering her shoggoth-like body, and keep her from talking. This creature has its own show now on E, and for WHAT exactly? Abandoning her dying, crippled husband? Spending millions she never lifted a finger to earn? She can barely form complete sentences and her Playmate looks are long gone, so why she's newsworthy is anyone's guess. At her current weight though it looks like she'll feed a family of 5.
MONICA LEWINSKY, a wonderful role model for today's girls: BLOW THE PRESIDENT AND YOU TOO CAN GET A BOOK DEAL!!! (And a modeling contract, and a line of purses, etc.!) Hell, she SHOULD get a Treason charge for needlessly disrupting the government. Wisely, she's decided to avoid the spotlight...which is good, because she'd go great with giblets, too.
MARILYN MANSON, the 'antichrist superstar'...funny, one would think superstars of any stripe wouldn't resemble anorexic transvestites. It's ugly, it can't sing, it's ruined Rose McGowan for every real man, it may or may not be a satanist, it's ripping off Alice Cooper, it sells a lot of t-shirts, wow. I bet Satan's got the A-1 sauce ready for this little helper...
EMINEM proves that white people CAN sell millions of rap records, even if they sound like Daffy Duck getting an enema, as long as they cram sleaze and controversy into every 'rhyme'. Talks very tough for a 110-lb whimp. Who wants white meat?
ANDY DICK: What's in a name? Reality. This cretin tries to be funny but just ends up being annoying.
KELLY & JACK OSBOURNE: Their parents have an excuse (decades of alcoholism and drug abuse)...but they
don't. This team-act of adolescent angst proves that you can be rich, (needlessly) famous and STILL ugly and obnoxious. Jack: take $5 out of your $10,000 allowance and buy some CLEARASIL. Kelly, as long as you're giving out advice, why not lose some WEIGHT? No wonder Ozzy's insane.
JACKASS: Not necessarily Johnny Knoxville but anyone on its 'show', or watches it. The true crime is that MTV knows DAMN WELL that moronic kids everywhere are going to imitate the stunts despite any 'warnings' not to, they just laugh and thrive on the publicity.
Hopefully, the lack of any TALENT concerned, as well as overexposure, will shove this freak-show off the national stage before another generation is sickened and/or hypnotized into thinking this is the way to get famous...in the meantime, I'll get the charcoal briquets ready!