AuthorsDen.com   Join (Free!) | Login  

     Popular! Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry
   Services MarketPlace (Free to post!)
Where Authors and Readers come together!

SIGNED BOOKS    AUTHORS    eBOOKS new!     BOOKS    STORIES    ARTICLES    POETRY    BLOGS    NEWS    EVENTS    VIDEOS    GOLD    SUCCESS    TESTIMONIALS

Featured Authors:  Belle Ami, iAlfred Garrotto, iBrainard Braimah, iLem Yedowicz, iSteve Coltman, iEileen Granfors, iM. R. Mathias, i

  Home > Humor > Articles Popular: Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry     

Cynthia Borris

· Become a Fan
· Contact me
· Books
· Articles
· Poetry
· Stories
· 63 Titles
· 442 Reviews
· Save to My Library
· Share with Friends!
·
Member Since: Jul, 2001

Cynthia Borris, click here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.




Featured Book
Suicide Warfare: Culture, the Military, and the Individual a
by Rosemarie Skaine

This book emphasizes the relationship of culture, the military, and the individual because suicide warfare does not occur in a vacuum. Available as an ebook: 978-0-313-39..  
BookAds by Silver
Gold and Platinum Members


Featured Book
Seven Cities of Mud
by Florence Weinberg

1581: Franciscan Fray Agustin Rodriguez leads an expedition to evangelize the Pueblo Indians of the Rio Grande. He persuades Poli, a widowed Pueblo woman, to be their gui..  
BookAds by Silver
Gold and Platinum Members



   Recent articles by
Cynthia Borris

The American Idol of Public Opinion
A Duffer with a Duck Hook
No More Turkeys
September Seattle
This Calls for a Thong
A Special Memory
American Idol Yawner
Get Your Oscar On
We Border on a New Day
Thanksgiving at the Den
Bloomington Indiana Welcomes America's Columnists
National Society Newspaper Columnists Contest Deadline
           >> View all

Recession Gray
By Cynthia Borris   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Posted: Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Share    Print   Save    Become a Fan


I've got what?

 

 
At a recent family party, I cuddle my grand-nephew and introduce him to a guest.
“He has such beautiful hair.” The woman coos and tickles his belly.
“Levi, the first redhead of his generation,” I beam. Just like his aunt a blend of enough red to be smart and enough blonde to be dumb I take silent note. 
“Isn’t there a history of redheads in your family?” She says.
Startled, I question her eye sight. Just what the heck do you think I am? I swallow my thought.
With the baby cheek-to-cheek, I stare at our reflection. Strawberry-blonde. Golden hues and light red. Yes, we’re related. But what’s this? My blonde is overtaking the red. I’m becoming a blonde. Sprouts of dementia bloom at my crown. I sense my intelligence fade. Quickly, I speak my name aloud just to see if I remember.
Cynthia, Cynthy, Cindi. Good, I’m still in self-recognition mode.
Unsettled, I peer harder. Worse. I see gray. I blink my eyes in disbelief and swear they multiply in that instant. Spawned by the stressful economy, the colorless invaders resemble the same outcropping on President Obama in recent months.  
“I’ve got recession gray.” I gulp.
Obama and I are in a tight race to the silver dome. This is not good. America’s got to hold its head up high. And in color. Homeland security starts at ground zero and this war against listless white is top priority. I type an email to the White House and invite our leader to join the cause.
I shout in bold print, “I’m gonna wash that gray right out of my hair…”
After a call to the local salon, I choke at the fee. A kin to scammers, I roll pennies for hours. Nowhere near the seventy dollar mark, I put on the plastic gloves and concede to a box job.
Money tight, I embrace the Republican approach and use the product with caution and diligence. No liberal coverage. Non-permanent color. No unnecessary cost.
I pop the tab off the bottle and pour the contents of bottle one into bottle two. A quick glance at my image in the mirror and I look like the mad scientist in gray vogue. Although the final promised color is a golden red the wet product is hemorrhage-purple. Shocked, I grab the box and check again – Golden Sienna. Stamped with the Good Housekeeping seal of approval, Clairol, my image rests in your potion.
Conservative, I leave it on for ten minutes. Scared of the deep color resembling a bruise, I finger the damp strands for scalp stain. Anyway, it washes out nicely. I can’t say as much for the white shower stall. I apply the conditioner for two minutes, dry my hair and it looks nice. The purple eases into a golden red and I wonder what shade our President should consider.  
In the dawn’s early light I survey the follicle landscape. It’s now the shade of a spent pumpkin. Orange even. Perhaps the conservative path paled. I cringe but remember my pocketbook and give myself a pat for frugality. A good citizen, I fueled the economy nine dollars.
A battle zone unconquered but penetrated. A foothold, I tousle my antioxidant-fortified strands as I recite Einstein’s theory of relativity and speak three-syllable words. Golden shimmers streak from the crown and halo the bangs. Each blonde strand cloaked in carrot-pumpkin highlights. Yes, America’s got talent.
My stimulus package on course, I hear the phone ring and run to answer.
“Hi, it’s Norm.” a familiar voice says, “What’re you doing?”
“I just colored my hair.” I answer.
The inquiry continues, “Did you go red or blonde?”
“The box reads ‘light golden red’.”
“And…”
“…Well, it’s more pumpkin.”
“Orange,” he chuckles. 
“Orange,” I parrot.
“So you’re still blonde.” He says.
I reflect on my dilemma. In the marketing world I can turn a copper penny silver. In the bathroom it’s a complete reversal of fortune. Silver to copper. I bow to a setback.
Refocused, I march back into battle and callout, “I’m gonna wash that orange right out of my hair…”
Some days it’s best to stay inside the box and leave it to a pro. Maybe the President can use my skills elsewhere. Got a penny?
 
THE END
 
 

 

 

Web Site: Cynthia Borris


Reader Reviews for "Recession Gray"


Want to review or comment on this article?
Click here to login!


Need a FREE Reader Membership?
Click here for your Membership!


Reviewed by Mary Coe 10/31/2009
A very good write. Love the humor.
Reviewed by Tom Hyland 10/31/2009
SYNFUL CYNDY -

How Patriotic a Write! Perhaps your time delay should have been more Liberal, and less Conservative? After all is said and done - Purple IS closer to Red than Orange IS!

Reminds me of a little Story - a Beautiful Redhead shows up at the Doctor's office - her complaint? "Something is Seriously Wrong - my Whole Body Hurts!"

In his typical, clinical manner, the Doctor says: "Let's see what's wrong - touch your right knee." After doing so, she grimaces in pain. "Now touch your left elbow.' Again, she howls with pain! "Now, touch your nose." Yet again, excruciating pain brings tears to her eyes!

Finally, with great aplomb, the very knowledgeable Doctor says, very emphatically:
"You're not really a Redhead - you're a Blonde, aren't you?"

To this, the amazed Amazon Beauty replies:
"Why Doctor, How could you Possibly Know This?"

"Easy, my Dear ... you have a BROKEN FINGER!"

Peace - and HAPPY HAUNTING! Tom.
Reviewed by Regis Auffray 10/30/2009
I appreciate your meaningful wit and humor, Cynthia. Love and best wishes,

Regis
Reviewed by Richard Arrington 10/27/2009
This is funny, reminds me of the burgundy color accident my wife had a few years ago.

Books by
Cynthia Borris



Chicken Soup for the Soul Celebrating Brothers and Sisters

Buy Options
Amazon, Barnes & Noble, more..




Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul - Daily Inspirations

Buy Options
Amazon, Barnes & Noble, more..




Chicken Soup for the Soul Moms and Sons

Buy Options
Amazon, Barnes & Noble, more..




Cup of Comfort for Single Mothers

Buy Options
Amazon, more..




Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul

Buy Options
Amazon, Barnes & Noble, more..




No More Bobs

Buy Options
Amazon, Barnes & Noble, more..




Chicken Soup for the Single Parent's Soul

Buy Options
Amazon, Barnes & Noble, more..






The Wholly Book of Genesis by Jay Dubya

The Wholly Book of Genesis is a humorous satire on the first book of the Old Testament where the Story of Creation, the building of Noah's Ark, Sodom and Gomorrah and the families ..  
Featured BookAds by Silver
Gold and Platinum Members


New Zealand with a Hobbit Botherer by Annette Gisby

What do you do if your spouse becomes addicted to the Lord of the Rings movies and swoons every time Orlando Bloom appears? Thud! Quick, fetch the smelling salts.....  
Featured BookAds by Silver
Gold and Platinum Members

Authors alphabetically: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Featured Authors | New to AuthorsDen? | Add AuthorsDen to your Site
Share AD with your friends | Need Help? | About us


Problem with this page?   Report it to AuthorsDen
AuthorsDen, Inc. All rights reserved.