MY INTERVIEWS THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN…BUT WHAT IF?
(CONSERVATIVE MEETS LIBERAL)
Phillips: Rosie, thanks for this opportunity to speak with me today. I'm glad you could take the time to meet with me.
ROSIE: Well things have been kind of slow for me lately. If it hadn’t been for that no-good, gun toting, NRA horn bugler, low-life horse riding piece-of- .##, I'm sure I would have more important interviews lined-up than with some ##m redneck such as yourself.
Phillips: Rosie, I assume you must be referring to Tom Selleck.
ROSIE: Ted Kennedy was right, you are a no-good little smart .#%!
Phillips: Ms. O Donnell, with no disrespect, I watched the tape of your interview with Mr. Selleck and it appears that you’re the one who opened the conversation with him on the gun issue.
ROSIE: I was simply trying to distract him from his real intentions
Phillips: And what intentions was that?
ROSIE: He was trying to come on to me for God-sakes! Watch the tape, you can see it.
Phillips: OK. Let's assume that Tom Selleck was trying to come on to you in front of a national television audience, I'm still really lost at why you decided to attacked him on his gun-stance and NRA affiliation?
ROSIE: Attack him!!!! You no-good piece of #$%.. Anyone can see that I was the one being attacked. I mean this S#%#.#.$%^ was undressing me with his eyes right there on national television! Perverted B.#%&*!
Phillips: Rosie, don’t take this wrong, but there are many ladies who would love nothing more than to have Tom Selleck undress them rather it be with or without his eyes.
ROSIE: Your really starting to .#%. me off you .#$ redneck! Since I'm sure no one who is really important is listening to your silly little .#*, I'll share this with you: I'm what you may say, "Well, I'm somewhat out of the closet."
Phillips: Rosie! Does this mean your telling me your attracted to other women or that your revealing that your homosexual?
Rosie: Your not just a redneck, but a real dumb-#%$ redneck! What the .#ll do you think I mean?
Phillips: Well, I'm not really sure? Either your out or your not.
Rosie: I really don’t have to sit here and take this .#*t you little b.%*#%!
Phillips: Ok, let's start-over and get back to the real reason we're meeting today. Give us your take on the second amendment.
Rosie: There you go! Your doing it too!
Phillips: Doing what????
Rosie: What is it with you gun-nuts? Are all of you sex perverts?!?!? You're trying to undress me with your eyes. Just like that no-good, NRA perverted gun-loving piece of ..#t Selleck!
Phillips: Firearms. Do you own a firearm?
Rosie: No, but I have some whips and chains in my closet. You know, the longer I sit here, well….. .#m you look kind-of cute.
Phillips: Rosie, I know that you been taking medication for your depression, did you take your Prozac before this interview?
Rosie: (now starting to quiver and foaming at the mouth) Come here you big sexy redneck gun-toting love making machine. I want to give you what Tommy-Boy can only dream about!
Phillips: Hey…..Wait…..Rosie..Stop……!!! I need some help over here!!!! Folks, I'm sorry but we're going to have cut this interview short. I got to go find me a closet. One that locks from the inside and has a lot of guns!
Scotty Phillips is an independent columnist. He is the author of the book "JUSTICE RENDERED 2000." He can be reached at Scotty. JusticeRendered.com or www.justicerendered.com