~Choices~ My personal findings, & evolution.
Breaking the "Chains".
Behavioral patterns taught and built by generations. My Struggles, pains, and ..the pain I caused my child..Finally "healing" for us all, bright dreams for the future, and the Journey onward.
One of the hidden sources that can contribute to the cause, and be found at the roots of the Dysfunctional family system.. Is also, one that can also keep us from realizing that we "do" indeed "have" choices.
A culprit in the "make up" of Dysfunctional Family Dynamics..
Covertly taught "hidden" message's. Sent, past down, and taught to generation after generation..Without detection.
The where's and Why's abusive behaviors, can come from..How to find it. How to treat it.. How To END IT..
The searching, the changes..Those "Are" Choices..
We "Can" Choose to Break the Chains~
At the End of this Article is a "Poem"..Written for my Daughter..
Ours Was A Family of such Dysfunction..
"Emotional, & Spiritual Abuse.
After searching deeper, hidden messages were found to also contain remarkably horrible, and terrifying
Secrets from the past.
~ Generations gone by,
Physical , Sexual Abuse and finally Death..
Recommendations for Self Help
Spiritual Growth and Healing
ARC The Meadows
Dysfunctional families are everywhere..
There really is no "one" culprit, there are other variables that can contribute, and intertwine with each other.
These components can add to the over all, and general make up of a family system. And in turn, help in the creation of what is commonly known as a "Dysfunctional Family".
One single family members genetic, emotional and or behavioral dysfunctions can contribute and or be the result of the whole.
Addictions, Chemical imbalance's, Depression,..the list goes on..
And even if the "Addictions, or imbalance's are not present in "this" generations family the "behaviors" are known to be carried on.
You can not always tell just by looking,
Some of the most "perfect" "looking" families
Can have severe dysfunction within them.
We all live them..to "some" degree.
Levels of dysfunction vary, some higher, some lower.
For familie's in higher levels,
Family dynamics, can be the cause of tremendous pain, and damage.
There ARE reasons, that families generation after generation
follow the same patterns..Why we as children, and our children, grow up to live
in the same style of dysfunction.
Ultimently, ending up teaching our own
children the same hidden/or open messages we were taught.
The open messages continue on, or seem impossible to "treat" or change,
"BECAUSE" of, the "Hidden" messages that go unattended.
So our lives, our childrens lives, our children's, children's go on
living with, setting up the same unhappiness in their own adult lives.
There are hidden "messages" taught to us, they lie deep within
each family..they are the root of our belief systems, our belief systems
control our feelings, the way we feel, the way we respond, the way we "react",
to life, the sittuations
and the people in our lives .
The Negative and pain giving hidden messages that control
our inappropriate behaviors "can" be changed, when we search,
seek and finally find them..they can be painful to uncover,
painful to accept, and painful to change.
A better word~ Anguish.
They hide behind "I don't know"...
Because you can find you "Really" "BELIEVE" you "don't know".
I learned, finally, there really is "no such thing" as
"I don't know"...A lesson that felt like Torture to learn at the time.
"Why?".. To "find" that I knew, something that I really thought I did not
meant I had been "lying"..."lying to myself, but still "lying"..
I couldn't stand that.. I strive so much for truth..To find "I" had "Lied"?
The Truth is though, that We "do" know..
Buried deep, "Deep" inside.
And we do at times, protect our selves from our own "Truths"..
Abuse, is "taught"...Parenting is taught.
Not by a book, but by "conditioning" by what we grow up with.
We can not help "initially" , but to become "our" parents. Some times the end result is a complete opposite of what he had grown up with.
But for those of us that "become" what we swore as children we would "never" become..
The road that lay ahead, if not changed carries on.
Once we learn we "have" become what we had not "wanted" to be.
It is our responsibility to make changes.
That is a choice.
There is no "overnight" "cure"..the "breaking" of these family "chains" is a process and happens with dedication, hard word and searching over time.
Sometime, learning the same lessons, over and over again.
Part of the process, is owning up the responsibility of the pain "we" have or can cause, to those we love most..Blaming our selves..All the while inside, still crying out for the abuse we ourselves had lived and struggled to survive through. That the child we "had" been, has never grieved, or been comforted. There "does" need to be "greiving".
Or that hurt "child" the buried pain within you, will stay there, and in turn compassion can be lost.
You can not feel something for another that you will not allow for yourself.
An Adult is needed for raising children.
Old childhood pains buried inside will not allow the full adult in you to be present.
There may be a need to distinquish between the difference of "Blame" verses "Responsibility".
Prior to that moment of becoming aware that "somthing is wrong", we were not to "Blame"..
We were and Are however responsible for our actions..
We sometimes can have difficulty in accepting responsibility.
We can get caught up in ~ "it's wasn't my fault"
"I "am" trying"..."it's NOT my fault"
And that is "True",, It is Not initialy our "Fault", not for having become the product of what we had been taught and conditioned to become..
But we are responsible for the choices we make about "what" to do about it..
We "do" "know" by standards, emotions, and in the case of physical abuses the differance between "basic" right and wrong..
The issue here, in the "knowing" by socioty "standards" what is right or what is wrong..the "inner belief" system was taught different..so conflicts arrise..Our "own" sense of right or wrong can conflict within ourselves..
And regardless of "that" belief system, and "Blame" the reality is,,
..we ARE responsible for our actions.
When we "act".."react"..
"I" couldn't get past the "It's not my "FAULT"
It felt like I was being BLAMED..
What I was.. was being held "Responsible"
"When" I deciphered the "words".. I could then accept
"Yes..I am responsible.. I "did" do that, I do, do that"
It "does" become your "FAULT",, when you "see" a problem
and do nothing to correct it..
one day a word will come out of our mouths
it will be an "echo" out of the past..
Your mind will "flash"... I sound like my mother..father...
We all have these messages...sometimes they are "good"
messages,, full of love, empathy, compassion..
sometimes they are "fear" based, and can "keep"
a loving person from the behavior they so wish to adopt as their own.
"Keep Searching"... The answers ARE within you..
And you do have the power to change, to break those old chains..
"My" "Family" hidden message?
That anything, or anyone I loved
would be killed.
That message had been handed down through several generations
Mostly towards "female"..and "Children"
"Seen and not heard" with a twist~
Not seen, Not heard,,"Unless"
And no tolerance for "mistakes"
My mothers baby brother, 2 years old
Was strangled to death at the hands of his and her father,
for "crying"..My Mother, buried that secret inside her
she was not aware of this fact until about a year before her death.
Her whole life, she believed "she" had done it..
The details of that, I am not sure of.. But her mother blamed her,
and sent her away..She had "wittnessed" her brothers murder, unknown to her
father..But she like children will,,erased it from her mind..it was buried some place
insider her.. to keep her safe..
The message delivered to my sister and I..
"Don't make waves,, don't be seen, don't be heard..
My sister, younger than I ..almost suffered the same fate
as my mothers, brother..she was 2.
When I would do something that upset my mother
her punishment to me, she did not hit me..
She would put my pets in the car,, take them to the vet,
or the pound and have thier lives ended.
"The words, "I Don't care"..became to me more severe than any physical
punishment ever could.
I, learned my lesson well..
I could not show love to my own children.
Everything I had loved growing up,
was put to death..by my own mother..
I wasn't supposed to love anyone but her.
She also would not save us,,
she "could not"...Woman were not allowed
to say "anything" that would interfere with what a man said
did, or wanted..
My mother divorced..when my sister and I were younger
she dated some men..
My mother could not stop them..
She became frozen..
I do not blame my mother..
I know how she ended up with the behaviors she had.
The pain and guilt she lived with..
This is not intented to be recieved as a "venting"..
It's the only way, I can "show" by example what I mean by
"covert" hidden messages, that lay hiding in a belief system
"Causing" the way we can feel, and behave.
So deep inside of myself was the unknown thought, taught to me by actions I had wittnessed.
If I showed, felt love towards any one, anything that lived, "that" life was doomed to be taken.
When my daughter was born, that unknown thought, was what I believed.
In order to keep her alive and safe, she was denied my love.
This message took "years" and "Years" to find
And it was a process.. had even one step been missed,
then I perhaps may well still be searching..
I had at one point had a "session" with a group of people,
and a Dr. who facilited, the session was called "Physco Drama".
That "allows" for the person's in the group to "role play"
The "Scene"... The facilitator...told us to imagine a room
on each wall in the room, was filled with each our hearts desires..
One wall for example ~ "any physical trait you would like to process as your own"
The other , vast riches, wealth..
The third..I don't remember
The 4th, the final wall,, "Feelings"
No one picked from that 4th wall, except for me.
I picked "Love"
I was asked, "Which? To give, or receive?"
I answered, "Both"
I was asked ,for that "what was I willing to pay?"
my answer~ "Anything"
"Would you be willing to pay with a portion of your life"
I asked,, "how much of my life?"
He answered "one third of my life"
I asked "How much time would that leave me?"
That,, raised an eyebrow,, after all, I "had" given the answer of
"anything" in response to "what was I willing to pay"..
"Why do you need to know that?" I was asked..
I needed to know, if I would have time,
"that my children would know I loved them"..
He said yes, they would..
I said "Yes" I was willing to pay with my life..
Now normally in physco drama,
no one person takes up so much time in a session
Each is there to come to terms with something..
This "session" everyone was silent,
No one sought out the help for themselves that they had come for.
And.. they set up the next session..to include my daughter
who was about 5 years old. "That is Never done"
I had told them I KNEW, how she would respond to "anything"
At which they told me, "it is normal for a parent to "think" they knew their children that well,
but that , that didn't happen.. Children were individual, and normally would not
react the way a parent may "think" in severe situations..
Having a child in a session of that type, could well be tramatizing.
They "needed" to have an idea of what her reactions might be to various possibilities of "my" reactions.
To have "Safety nets" for her well being in place.
"they" would see...They had desided that my desire to heal, grow, and "be" free to love,
, and the help that "could" come to my child
should this "work"...was worth trying for.
The next session, Set up ahead of time, various "safety nets" in place,
that if my daughter showed "any" signs of being distraught ( I assured them, she would NOT)
If so, the session would end, as it could be damaging for a child..
The session began..
My daughter, (a little ham, full of talent *S*)< I never could have said that then.
was given paper, and crayons, chatted with everyone, and drew pictures.
Everyone made a "Very" big deal of what a wonderful child she was, and how good her drawings were..
Except for me.
My response, they were average, ok.. no big deal
I was point blank asked if I was proud of her..
I couldn't answer..tears rolling down my face, I could not SAY the Words..
I was then told.. "You are NOT her mother"
Are you proud of this "little girl??"
YES!!! Tears poured from my eyes..
If I wasn't her mother, she wouldn't be hurt,
I could then tell her, I loved her,, I could take her in my arms and hold her
I cried, and cried.. I held my daughter for the first time in my life with "feeling"
I could "feel" the love I had for her, and "Show" her..
I was told after the session (more than one facilitator attented, because
of the sittuation) That I did in fact know my daughter very well.
They were astounded,, I had been able to tell them "exactly" how she would
respond to "everything" she was exposed to.
She "Was",,and to this day "is" just like I am..
They also said, that we "would be the best of freinds when she grew up",,Or."We would be the worst of enemy's"...because we "are" so much alike.
Of course, also, after that session, I was her mother again
and "couldn't duplicate the actions, or the feelings..
I kept searching..I might add, that I really did not understand
or notice the magnatude of my, lack of feelings shown, or felt
towards my daughter until the birth of my son.
"Women worthless, men idolized"..
My daughters first step, I did not "feel" the pride most mothers feel.
I thought, "whats the big fuss?, she's supposed to do that?".
I am serious.. I couldn't "FEEL" it..
I "Didn't KNOW" it "WAS" a real feeling, until I actually "FELT IT"..
From my son.. And that terrified me, I broke down and cried,
That is when the search began..As soon as I "knew"
There was infact something very wrong with the way I felt about
I didn't want her to know the pain I had known..And I didn't want to raise
either of my children to pass on this "secret"..
It took several years for me to find out "why" I was the way I was,
..and it took the "right" place and the
people that "could" hear me, that listened, and "knew" about
the dynamics of "covertly taught" "family messages"..
Like subliminal tapes..playing over and over again in your mind..
Controlling you belief system..
A Warning,, Damage "CAN" be done by the "wrong" help.
If it does not "feel" right.. It isn't..keep looking.
For my daughter and I,
The cost was high
We missed out on her childhood
I can never give that back to her.
I can never live the Joy of raising her as my little girl.
I take solace in my continued search for growth
For her willingness to search herself and grow.
That we have begun to break the chains.
There had been damage done, and my son
also will have his time in life that he will look back
on his child hood also for what behaviors, feelings
cause him pain in his older years.. We all do ,
and will.. there is no "perfect" combination.
To many variables, life will have unhappiness.
Hopefully my children will both have the strength to endure
what ever the pains..learn, grow and go on.
After "learning" what the messages are,
The battle is not over..
You "and" your family will struggle with the "changes"
The behaviors set ..seem, almost in stone.
And there is and will be "resistance" to change
Something new, something not predictable
things that were expected to happen before don't.
And when the old ways stop.. the "comfort" level is shaken.
We..become comfortable in old our behaviors regardless of pain.
And also the behaviors of those we are close to.
The "unknown" is a scary place. It's easy to "want"..to actually have a small piece of peace, and bliss.
But it can be to an inner self..terrifying..the result,, hurry back to the old ways, the old life, bliss is a nice place to visit, but ..the comfort zone is actually in the life with the ..pain, fear and all "normal" dysfunction and or abuse..
Why?.. You already "know what to expect there.. there are no real surprises" from the situations and from yourself.
That is one reason "why" an abused woman
will "stay" with, or go back to an abusive life
That's why if as a child, we were in an environment of
"High intensity"..high drama..we "will" seek out relationships
that duplicate that drama, we "will" if there is resistance to that drama
try and "create it"..
And it takes TIME...Lots of time.
It's easy to "fall back"..but with each step back..
you take two forward..you notice quicker with each fall.
and make a correction quicker with each step..
It takes TIME..but it CAN BE DONE..
And the Learning and Growing..continues on....
All Rights Reserved
~* My Child *~
If I had one wish
I'd wish you no pain.
I'd wish that I,
could go back into time..
I'd touch your cheek,
brush back your hair,
look in your eyes
dry your sweet tears..
I'd call you my angel
we'd play in the sand
we'd turn up the music
dance hand in hand
I'd turn the light low
when you feared in the dark
I'd read you some stories
till you fell fast asleep
I'd accept the bouquets
you'd given with pride
Picked with such love
I'd take you
Up into my arms
tell you I loved you
and how proud I am
My beautiful child
Gift from above
I thank heaven for you now,
Now that I can
Now that your grown,
gone from my sight
I remember my child
the times you did cry
I sought out, and searched
My time running out
the sand filling faster
filling the glass.
To slowly, they finally came.
To save your sweet life
From my same pain
Forgive me my child
For the pain I have caused you
The young years of your life
That forever are lost now
The turmoil's the pain
It's my path you followed
I was to late, to save you from cuts
from all the sharp stones, that lay in the grass.
The answers, life's lessons
Family kept secrets
links of built chains
I've broken them, "Finally"
But your heart had to suffer
The same pain as mine did
Growing up loveless
The links in the chain
To love you, meant death
Not mine but yours
I was keeping you safe
So I kept you alive
So I had thought
By denying you love
That you needed the most..
Hidden so deep
within my own heart,
I finally found,
Our families "secrets"
Belief, Buried deep,
Covered with darkness
ancient secrets of Old,
can guard them..
And pass them on,
Add a new link,
with each child born.
Uncovered at last
But for you ...To late..
I love you my child
And always I have
Now I can show you
but now you are grown
I can call you and tell you
And wish on the stars
Dear Daughter of mine
You are my hearts delight
I couldn't be prouder
For all that you are
I love you so much
It hurts your so far
I hope that your searching's
are easier now
That when the time comes
And you walk in my shoes
You can give all of your heart
And you can feel loved...
All Rights Reserved..
To my precious daughter Jaime
Who is grown now,,
And has overcome tremendous odds and obstacle
placed before her by generations of hidden covertly taught messages..
She has had to live some of my same pains..
But is living and learning them
Far younger than I had..
I can never go back, and take back the pain..
Give back the love..I had denied her as a young child.
.But I can now
Hold her, without pushing her away, I can love her
And tell her..and feel the pride that I had hidden for so long..