If George Carlin can do it...
New Rules For 2008 (if George Carlin can do it, so can I)
- When forwarding e-mail jokes, try to remove eight or ten of the forward levels before doing so. By the time I click through everything, I’m too p*ssed off to laugh at anything.
- You know those complimentary wheelchairs that they have in Wal-mart? They’re for crippled people, not for fat people. I’m tired of hearing some 300-pound woman with a basket full of donuts and pork rinds screaming at her kid to pick up a bottle of diet Coke.
- How about having only fifteen previews and three commercials when you go to the movies. By the time the movie starts, I need to go home. And you can forget the cutesy thing about turning off your cell phone during the movie. Rude people tend to continue rude behavior regardless of animated reminders.
- I am calling for an end to e-mails that tell me that I won the UK Lottery. I’m pretty sure that to win you have to buy a ticket first, and I never buy my lottery tickets by e-mail.
- At the beginning of a movie, I don’t need five minutes of “A Dreamstar Production, in association with Nosewipe pictures, from BM studios, a Time-Warner company, and a Roland Fezziwig production, from the kid that fishes off of a crescent moon. Nobody cares who made the movie, except you, and you know that you made it. Just start the feckin’ film. If you want to have stuff like that, add it onto the end, where they list who the caterer’s hairstylist is. We can ignore it there.
- Dogs. Leave them at home, unless you’re going to the dog show, or taking Fido “to the farm.”
- If you are a white kid, stop dressing like a black kid. It’s their thing, not yours. Even if you wear those stupid flat-brimmed baseball caps turned sideways, wear size 87 jeans, and lots of jewelry, you still look like a pretender. People of all races are laughing at you.
- Public bathrooms should be clearly marked “Men” or “Women.” I’m tired of wetting my pants before I figure out if I am a Caballero or not.
- They can take down all of the “No Smoking” signs now. Everybody know that you are only allowed to smoke if you get inside the dumpster and close the lid.
- Once a week, Oprah and Dr. Phil should do their show in their underwear, so we stop taking them so seriously.