Ah Spring… the time of year when optimism rules, and anything is possible. Here is my list for this years springtime accomplishments.
1. Take out my golf clubs, and shine them up until they gleam like new. Polish my golf shoes, and check my supply of balls and tees. Then put them back where they were, and promise myself never to play that silly game again. The only thing I really like about golf is being able to drive drunk on somebody’s yard.
2. Get the Phillies schedule and circle a few games for late in August, when they will be out of the race and I wont have to go.
3. On the first really warm day, go for a long walk, until my ankles hurt, which will take all summer to heal. Tell everybody that I would exercise more, but I have a sports related injury.
4. Clean the attic. Become irritated when I discover, once again, that most of the stuff was left behind by the kids when they moved out. Bring everything down by the front door and put it in labeled piles. Take everything back upstairs in two weeks.
5. Lay in the driveway, with pebbles sticking in my back and change the oil in my car, because, “why I should I pay for something that I am perfectly capable of doing myself?” After getting oil in both ears, and losing the drain plug, look up the number of Jiffy Lube for future reference.
6. Make the annual call to my sister to see if she is making any progress on that loan from 1983.
7. Start to put all the CD’s in alphabetical order. Give up when I realize that I spent have three hours staring at a Pink Floyd album, regretting all of my life since the album was first released.
8. Try again to come up with a snappy nickname for myself. Attempt to improve over last year’s effort of “Wonderboy,” which never really caught on.
9. Buy a hat that I look cool in. Maybe try something with a feather this year.
10. Go to the hobby store, and look around for inspiration for a great new hobby that I can take up. Become disenchanted when the only thing that I learn is that I seemingly have no talent in any area. Stop at the toy store and buy one of those paddleball things, and swear that this will be the decade that I master it, as long as I don’t get another defective one.