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Mothers, Kids & The Ex Mate
By Kim B. Miller
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last
edited: Monday, October 08, 2007
Posted: Saturday, October 06, 2007
This article called Mothers,
Kids & the Ex Mate that was featured in the July issue of WOW magazine at http://www.wowemagazine.wowmagazine.org/
Parents have so many things to
deal with. They are constantly
juggling responsibilities and
trying to make everyone happy.
Sometimes unfortunately that results in everyone else being satisfied but them. Relationships are hard but doable. Focus, commitment and prayer are the tools needed to get us through our daily journey.
So many things cause good people to make bad choices. I can’t explain why some people choose to cheat, deceive, manipulate things or lie. I know that when the decision is made to finally end a relationship it is overwhelming
and disheartening. The breakup is
devastating.
I lived through one. Several infidelities are what drove my first marriage apart. I stayed in the relationship and I tried but the
“third” affair was all I could take.
Often times we focus on the adults during the break up, since that is the relationship that is dissolving, often the family as a unit is ignored. When a marriage ends the entire family is affected, everything changes.
Women tend to get custody after most
divorces, making them the main caretaker of the children. Some women are using that sacred role of mother to get revenge. Some have been treated poorly, dealt with indiscretions or endured other issues. Others
have perceived wrongs where none took
place. The result is the same; some moms are angry, hurt, and confused.
We, women, know how we can get when
we’re mad. There is little thinking taken place. Pain has taken the place of logic and how hurt you are is the only song you play to yourself. We can be inconsolable. You look at your ex and in your eyes he is living
his life. He even looks care free. “How
dare he look like that”, you say to yourself. Eventually you figure out that the kids are his weak point. You start devising a plan.
You throw everything you know that is
good, right and Godly out the window.
You want revenge. He calls to speak to the kids and you are “on the other line” and he has to call them back. You were not on the other line and before he calls back you turn
the ringer off. Even worse he comes to visit the kids and you are not home. You “forgot”he was coming. Some of you have even stooped so low that you told the kids that daddy doesn’t love you anymore.
You barely recognize yourself. You are on autopilot. You get up get the kids ready for school, go to work and cry yourself to sleep. You put that fake
smile on your face when you see friends
and family. You assure them that you’re fine. When they ask about the kids you keep the lie going, saying they are doing well when you know they miss their dad.
Revenge is a lot of work, it is exhausting. You are tired. Doing everything yourself is taking its toll. You could have help with the
kids but you are too busy punishing your potential “help”. He would love to take the kids for a weekend but you aren’t through making him pay for your heartache. When you finally take a look at your depressed kids, they look hollow. They ask why dad doesn’t love them any more. They look at you longingly and say, “What did
we do wrong?” You gasp. Look at what
you have created. In your rush to crush him you have crushed your child’s spirit and self
esteem.
You are not lost. You can overcome this. Go into your room and get on your knees and pray to God for forgiveness. Pick your Bible up and go to Matthew 6: 14-15 and Romans 12:19-21. Read it out loud. In the
New International version it states:
[14For if you forgive men when they sin
against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. [15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.,
[19 Do not take revenge, my
friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord, [20] On the contrary:“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is
thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. [21] Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
That is what I kept saying to myself
when I was tempted to get back at my
ex. “Vengeance is mine”, saith the Lord.It was rough at times but prayer and God’s infinite strength got me through it. I prayed a lot. My ex was not always engaged with the kids but I stayed focused.
He eventually evolved into a caring
father and my kids are better for it. I
tell you, God is truly amazing!
Show your kids that when mommy makes
a mistake she corrects it. Apologize to God, your kids, your ex and yourself. God is a God of forgiveness but it makes no sense for Him
to forgive you and then you won’t even forgive yourself.
Don’t keep looking back; look up when you need direction. You can overcome anything with God’s help and just in case you hadn’t noticed, Jesus has been carrying you for quite a
while now. For if you look down you will only see one set of footprints in the sand. He carried me through it and I know He will carry you as well. My soul looks back but I don’t
wonder, I know how I got over. Come join me.Your kids are waiting, your ex is waiting and your soul is waiting.•
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