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S. M. Tucker

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Between Mars and Venus
by S. M. Tucker   
Rated "R" by the Author.
Last edited: Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Posted: Tuesday, July 31, 2007

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Who invented PMS? The same people who invented pantyhose, girdles, high heels and perms. Men!

Yes, Venusians, we are aliens trying to exist in a Martian-oriented culture. And the Martians invented PMS to further identify us as 'other'.

There are days when I'm just plain bitchy and days when I'm an asshole. Since the doctors stole all my female organs decades ago I don't have any 'cycles' to blame for those days. Strangely, despite the lack of a menstrual cycle, they continue to arrive although not with any rhythm or regularity.

Hormones do not govern my mood. The news can turn me into a clone of 'Grumpy'. So can an hour in the mall. Or just reading my bills. Or listening to my sons pick at one another. Are these events female-specific? I don't think so. And what excuse do men use when they're having a grouchy day? This entire concept raises my blood pressure. Aside from genitalia I'm no different physically from any man. My heart pumps blood through the same veins and arteries, my brain processes thoughts with the same chemicals and electrical impulses, my stomach uses the same enzymes to digest my food. And I still put my pants on one leg at a time even if I stuff my feet into high heels once they're on.

And every time I hear a woman plead 'PMS' I want to scream at her for giving men more ammunition to use against us. Come on, women. Use your brains instead of making excuses. Just say 'Sorry, I was having a bitchy day' and let those Martians eat your dust.


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Reviewed by Tom Hyland

Yes, Martians are to blame! Not only for those items you mentioned, but probably many more. Whether rightly, or wrongly, MALES have dominated everything, everywhere, in just about all recorded history.

My best guess is that whoever coined the phrase PMS may have been merely attempting to be "politically correct?" Had HE simply called it the "MONTHLY BITCH CYCLE" -- his WIFE would probably had served him BOILED GONADS for breakfast ... HIS!

You are also correct about MARTIANS experiencing BAD HAIR DAYS also ---but --- MOST GET OVER IT! The ones that don't -- are simply GRUMPY RAT-BASTARDS! AVOID THEM AT ALL COST!

And finally, to my limited knowledge of such a profane topic (he says, tongue-in-cheek) a
BITCH was technically a term applied to a FEMALE DOG IN HEAT... she wanted WHAT she wanted, WHEN she wanted it, and HOW she wanted it... and usually GOT IT!

I was only married for 34 years, but DAMN that sounds familiar!

In current times, especially in BARS, where I shoot pool 3 times a week, it is patently obvious that young women in their early 20's and 30's, use the word BITCH much more frequently than we poor schmucks from MARS do! Whether they are just 'playing' with one another, or seriously DEFAMING another VENUSIAN, because of the "green eyes of ENVY" ... the word is bandied about almost as much as the "F" word, or "MF" or "CS" ...

Bottom line? We Parents and Grandparents have reared a GENERATION of "FOUL-MOUTHS" that would make an old SALT... BLUSH!

If you haven't read my 2 pieces - "PMA or PMS" and "How Do You Make A Hormone?" you might get some more AMMUNITION to consider VENTING! LOL.


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