Why Do Women Say No?
edited: Sunday, October 28, 2007
By Annette Hendrix Williams
Not "rated" by the Author.
Posted: Saturday, October 13, 2007
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These are my thoughts written after I wrote, "The Man That I Did Not Marry" at my site on Authorsden. It may be read in light of that and a relationships article by Gillis Triplett entitled, "40 Things Every Woman Must Know About Men, Love, Sex and Relationships" along with, "40 Things a Man Must Know About Life, Love and Women". Gillis is such an insightful author that I find him to be inspiring. However, to add to what he said about men with good intentions who are to be sought by women who want a satisfying relationship with a man and the men with bad intentions who are to be avoided by those same women, I have a few thing to say to the young about misunderstandings that arise between the genders which I dearly wish I could tell them how to avoid.
OK Class, today's assigned reading will be found on the internet at a site called Authorsden, "40 Things a Man Must Know About Life, Love and Women", "40 Things Every Woman Must Know About Men, Love, Sex and Relationships" by Gillis Triplet and "The Man That I Did Not Marry" by Annette Hendrix Williams in Relationships 101. These are short articles and a story about ourselves and the opposite sex which should give us a clearer understanding as we travel along life's journey. You will be expected to read these/this articles/story and report back to class what you have found the next time we meet.
To summarize what may be found in the articles by Mr. Triplett, please let me add that he addresses clearly what nobody I have ever heard before say so well concerning the differences of attitudes in males who are in hot pursuit of their lovely young female counterparts. He makes it clear that some men are good men who should be treated as such, and some men are just plain bad and should be avoided as such. He adds that the honorable men admire women who are not "easy" and the bad guys disrespect them in every conceivable fashion including, but not limited to, whining for sex from a woman that they know they have no interest in. He admonishes young women to say no to premarital sex. This is an excellent point and should not be taken lightly. I will add this bible verse:
Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls before pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces. Matthew 7:6.
Now that this has been said, I would like to call attention to the short story, "The Man That I Did Not Marry" written by me about an honorable young man who pursued the woman of his dreams,myself, and was rejected though he never understood why. I have found that this is a common problem expressed among the young. A young man wants a young woman who does not want him. I have learned in conversations with many people that are dismayed by the phenomenon. My own pastor advises young women to say "no" to young men that they want, to make themselves (the young women) more desirable to the young men. As he says this, he assumes that the young women want to make themselves desirable to the young men in question. It is good and absolutely true that young women should say no to premarital sex, knowing that it almost never leads to a permanent relationship, but the question arises, "Do the young men have to punish all honorable young women, by falling in love with whoever says no to them first and most persistently?" Does it not occur to the young men that common sense among young women dictates that "no" is a word used to reject unfavorable offers?
Let me illustrate. My son loves cake but does not love chocolate. So when he is offered cake in general he politely says, "Thank you" and helps himself. However, when he is offered chocolate cake, he politely says, "no" because he says that he does not like the smell. He is male and obviously understands the principle of declining something that is unattractive to himself. Yet many males forego this common sense reasoning when a young woman says "no" to their advances. It is common sense. Young women do not have to be taught much to understand this principle. Yet, there is a more complicated principle that young women have to learn involving the decline of even the most attractive offers because young men will think less of them, or they will not be as godly, or a baby might be conceived that the young woman does not want because she does not want the man. This is a cultural teaching and is not obvious to a young female virgin. Therefore, every young woman in our culture has to be taught this, but many are not; if they are taught anything at all, it is often to use birth control. Enough said.
So how is this a problem? Imagine for just a moment that you are a young man who is looking at a young woman who declines your offers of marriage, sex or whatever. You find this commendable, and indeed it is. After all, every one knows that young men who live by the double standard do not expect themselves to hold the same ethical standards that they expect from young women, and the young man who may not be a virgin himself thinks it is wonderful that a young woman is saving it for someone special, but why do you think that it might be you especially if you have not saved anything for someone who is special? Who told you that you were special if the lady is not saying that? So here is this young woman who has met your family and does not like them; she is politely telling you that she does not think this will work out. Why do you think that it is because she is on a much higher plane than most people? Perhaps she is, but why does that mean that you have to marry her? This does not mean that you are not special. It may mean that you really need to find someone else and be special to that other special someone who is on a higher plane also.
This brings us to a new problem. You are young and have all of these hormones flowing that you have never felt so strongly before and do not think you will ever have again, and you may be right, but you may be wasting them on a girl who does not see herself as your only true love. Why can you not leave her alone and find someone else?
"Oh, but it hurts so bad" you say.
Why don't you do this before you go. Examine the problem from every angle. Do not ask your friends, your family, her friends, her family, me, Mr. Triplett, the Queen of England, the man in the moon, the president of the United States or anyone else but your true love this question, "What am I doing that is wrong, and is there anything that I can do to change your mind about me?" Then listen very carefully to whatever she has to say and take it to heart. (There is no substitute for good listening skills in a man. This may be the only thing that is universal among young women; women love men with good listening skills.) It may be something you can change. I think that the guy I did not want could have learned to read and show up at my house clean; he could have learned to make interesting conversation also, but that is just my opinion. I will never know because none of this happened.
On the other hand, she might not be right for you. You can love again. Do not waste your hormones any further on a girl who does not want you. Even if you are perfect for her, she may never see it until many years later, and she is expressing her highest regards for the institution of marriage by refusing to marry you knowing that she will only divorce you later. Therefore, be willing to let her go.
There is still something that a praying man can do which was not mentioned until now. A praying man can pray and listen to Jesus just as well as that praying man was asked to listen to the woman. Furthermore, a praying man should find out what God's divine will for that young man's life really is. The words of our mouths express what we really think and in this scenario the young woman has expressed her dislike for you and/or your kind. She may not change her mind and the Lord might tell you to find someone else, or He might tell you what you can do to rectify the problem. My own suitor thought that coming back to my house covered in motor oil would do it. However, you will not know the answer to a question that is never asked. Yet know this when you come to Him with an important question. He says: "My sheep hear my voice and I know them and they follow Me." One cannot expect a fellow who gladly follows every wind of teaching to suddenly turn and be led down the right path if that one has not made up his own mind to follow the one who does the leading.
Before I close I would like to add this story about my grandfather. He married three times in his life. The first time he married was to my grandmother. Then she died, and he married another nice dear lady in our community. She died, and finally he married one more time. This time he died and left the last nice dear lady as a widow. Obviously he liked to be married. He was faithful to each one in her time spent with him. They were each very dear and special in their own way. I cannot believe that he felt about the latter two the same way he felt about my grandmother. If you really want to love again, it probably will not be the same as it was the first time, but you can do it again.
Okay class, that will be all for today. Until we meet again, take care and have a good day.
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|Reviewed by David Arthur Walters
|Thank you for this fascinating information. I am seeing a young woman, and when I asked her what kind of man she might love, she said he would have to be a generous man. After about a year she declared me generous, not in terms of material things but in terms of things spiritual, but I have not gotten to first base on the physical plane yet. I enjoy the relationship, but still! What should I do?|
|Reviewed by Georg Mateos
|Simple, because men say yes all the time to anything that moves in high heels.
The misconception of, from a rethorical "no" to the panicky "no!!!" lies not on cultures customs or starting from home education, it is solely the right or wrong divide which each individual knows and what he chooses.
Yes...why do women say no..........all the time?