AuthorsDen.com   Join Free! | Login    
   Popular! Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry
Where Authors and Readers come together!

SIGNED BOOKS    AUTHORS    eBOOKS new!     BOOKS    STORIES    ARTICLES    POETRY    BLOGS    NEWS    EVENTS    VIDEOS    GOLD    SUCCESS    TESTIMONIALS

Featured Authors:  Marie Wadsworth, iWilliam Wright, iPier Tyler, iBrad Bathgate, iMark Lichterman, iAntoine Raphael, iT. Cline, i

  Home > Humor > Articles Popular: Books, Stories, Articles, Poetry     

Kathy Armijo

· + Follow Me
· Contact Me
· Articles
· Poetry
· Blog
· 233 Titles
· 4,434 Reviews
· Save to My Library
· Share with Friends!
·
Member Since: Aug, 2007

Kathy Armijo, click here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.




Featured Book
Chinese puzzle chinois - photography by Albert Russo
by Albert Russo

Photo book on China with texts in English and French by Albert Russo, Eric Tessier, Daniel Michelson and Sébastien Doubinsky..  
BookAds by Silver
Gold and Platinum Members



Mixed up Bible History - children's essays
by Kathy Armijo   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Saturday, November 17, 2007
Posted: Saturday, November 17, 2007

  Print   Save    Follow    Share 

Recent articles by
Kathy Armijo

New Pledge of Allegiance (Totally Awesome)
           >> View all

This was sent to me via email. I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I did. Out of the mouth of babes ....

-----------------------------------




Mixed up Bible history

  A book titled Little Wonders, by Mary Hollingsworth, has stories concerning children. 

This one was contributed by Todd and Jedd Hafer.

In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

**********************************************************
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.  Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat, and put his family and some animals on it.  He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.  God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten Commandments.  These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say, but my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor they father and they mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was!")

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.  Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.  But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands, instead.

Anyway, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.


Reader Reviews for "Mixed up Bible History - children's essays"


Want to review or comment on this article?
Click here to login!


Need a FREE Reader Membership?
Click here for your Membership!


Reviewed by Regis Auffray
A delightful sharing, Kathy. Thank you. Love and peace to you,

Regis
Reviewed by Joey Lawsin
This is really cool! This article shows how "children" are so creative that they find life to be fun...Keep smiling....AOUIE
Reviewed by Susan Smith
These are really funny. Tim Allen must get his material from children like these.
Reviewed by Mary Coe
Very interesting write.
Reviewed by Larry Lounsbury
This is such a funny story of bible history. It had me in stitches from begining to end.
Reviewed by Cynthia Hepner
This was so cute...I needed to laugh today!- Cindi
Reviewed by David Hightower
Kathy - I needed a good laugh today and you gave me several. My favorite is the one about Noah - "He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check." - David
Reviewed by Michelle Kidwell Power In The Pen
This is to cute, I am so glad you shared this children have a way of making me smile
God Bless
Michelle~
Reviewed by George Carroll
Reviewed by Felix Perry
Cute Kathy after being Santa all day and listening to some of the things the little ones say...this topped my day. Still smiling.

Fee
Popular Humor Articles
  1. The 2000 Year Old Man
  2. Dateline Orlando
  3. Lost C. Burnett Skit
  4. Merry Atheistmas
  5. Silverstream Made Goddess Status
  6. Conniving My Retirement
  7. Well, There's a Power Struggle
  8. It's the Old Spice Guy: Look at Him, Now L
  9. The Entry
  10. Like Grandma, Like Grandson and dealing wi

Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age by Beverly Mahone

Whatever! is an inspirational and humorous look at growing older through the eyes of a self-proclaimed diva and baby boomer. Topics include weight gain and menopause, middle age d..  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

Poisoned By Yew by Janice Scott

A collection of all the short stories featured on my pages here at Authors' Den...  
BookAds by Silver, Gold and Platinum Members

Authors alphabetically: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Featured Authors | New to AuthorsDen? | Add AuthorsDen to your Site
Share AD with your friends | Need Help? | About us


Problem with this page?   Report it to AuthorsDen
© AuthorsDen, Inc. All rights reserved.