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Kathy Armijo

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Mixed up Bible History - children's essays
By Kathy Armijo   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Saturday, November 17, 2007
Posted: Saturday, November 17, 2007

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This was sent to me via email. I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I did. Out of the mouth of babes ....


Mixed up Bible history

  A book titled Little Wonders, by Mary Hollingsworth, has stories concerning children. 

This one was contributed by Todd and Jedd Hafer.

In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.  Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat, and put his family and some animals on it.  He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.  God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten Commandments.  These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say, but my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor they father and they mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was!")

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.  Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.  But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands, instead.

Anyway, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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Reviewed by Regis Auffray 4/14/2010
A delightful sharing, Kathy. Thank you. Love and peace to you,

Reviewed by Joey Lawsin 8/16/2008
This is really cool! This article shows how "children" are so creative that they find life to be fun...Keep smiling....AOUIE
Reviewed by Susan Smith 8/15/2008
These are really funny. Tim Allen must get his material from children like these.
Reviewed by Mary Coe 2/23/2008
Very interesting write.
Reviewed by Larry Lounsbury 1/19/2008
This is such a funny story of bible history. It had me in stitches from begining to end.
Reviewed by Cynthia Hepner 1/14/2008
This was so cute...I needed to laugh today!- Cindi
Reviewed by David Hightower 11/27/2007
Kathy - I needed a good laugh today and you gave me several. My favorite is the one about Noah - "He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check." - David
Reviewed by Michelle Kidwell Power In The Pen 11/18/2007
This is to cute, I am so glad you shared this children have a way of making me smile
God Bless
Reviewed by George Carroll 11/17/2007
Reviewed by Felix Perry 11/17/2007
Cute Kathy after being Santa all day and listening to some of the things the little ones say...this topped my day. Still smiling.


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