Mz. Conduct's House Of Sin #87 A Religious Experience
edited: Tuesday, July 29, 2003
By mz kimi
Posted: Tuesday, July 29, 2003
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Aside from sitting in dog crap and accidentally vacuuming up my last tampon, what a wickedly wonderful hurricane this last month has been for this happy hoyden! As promised, my report on the second annual Masturbate-a-Thon is here! With around two hundred and fifty folks in attendance, it was one raging party. Just like the last year Thon, it was hosted by the fabulous Darklady herself (www.darklady.com), but instead of being held at a dungeon, this year an enormous old church provided a home for the festivities. Say your Hail Mary’s and get down on your knees, baby!
I attended the shindig in drag, as I wanted to get a different perspective on things. I got rid of my omnipresent eyelashes and lipstick, slicked back my hair, and wore a vintage men’s green suit. Big Bald Bouncer went with me, dressed in leather from head to toe, and looking quite dashing. Upon our arrival, we saw lots of naked men sauntering around, some with their appendages just flapping in the breezeless night. Many of these men were gay, but most were heterosexual boys showing off their stuff. It was also a night to celebrate selected people’s birthday fantasies, such as; kisses by both sexes, spankings by leather-gloved men, drag queens blowing other men, and lots of flogging devices on red-assed girls.
Blue Sky Boy and his Southern Bella Donna were there. She put on a strip show and displayed her unique erotic artwork and he went to peruse and support. They are always fantabulous together, regardless.
There was a Spit-or-Swallow contest where people were blindfolded and fed anchovy paste, hot sauce, and marshmallow crème, and challenged to see if they guessed correctly. A big blue tarp sectioned off the ‘anything goes’ area where bare butts bounced and slapped, and bodies received more floggings. A tasty little redhead whipped up two men into a foamy frenzy. A very long line of girls formed for the Thrillhammer Orgazmatron trying their best to break porn star, Corina Curves’, record of something like fifty-seven minutes. Big Bald Bouncer got blown by a Dominatrix while watching some hot tamale hump the stuffing out of several guys, and he was one elated leather daddy! Pyrex dildos and porn tapes were given as prizes for various games and absinthe was being poured down everyone’s gullets.
Dr. Carol Queen (www.carolqueen.com) was the guest of honor. She was constantly surrounded by fans all evening, and I didn’t get a chance to talk with her, but I’ll not be in drag this weekend when I do get my opportunity at Darklady’s Parlor of Passionate Prose night. I kept myself incognito through the rest of the evening and slithered out right after midnight.
The Yum Yum Boy, Homer K. Simpson and I were hanging out at the Boom Boom Club on karaoke night, when to my delight, they got up and sang Tom Jones’ “It’s Not Unusual” to moi! Bring it on, boys! Needless to say, many cocktails were under their belts by then, and no offense to their voices, but under their belts is where my attention remained.
We have two new roommates that rule the rockin’ world. The Georgia Peaches are two sweet and naughty girls (a requirement of course) that have backpacked their way across the states and landed their pretty butts in our house for a spell. We’ve been tooling them around town in our not-so-new ’61 Ford pick ‘em up truck. I promised to take them to all the best lesbo clubs in the city and I intend to fulfill all my promises… and soon!
My friends, the UNTYD band (www.untyd.com), almost won a gig at a huge music festival, opening for Korn, but lost out to some shoddy adolescents that voted more than us, damnit all to hell and back. UNTYD is still numero uno in my book though!
The Yum Yum Boy and I backpacked in the mountains for a few days in search of some rumored hot springs. After miles of uphill climbing and hours of hardcore hiking, we finally discovered the amazing place deep in the woods. We stripped off our gear and our clothes and filled a hollowed out log, with boiling mineral water. While it filled, we hiked down the mountain to a cold-water creek, scooping up buckets of ice water and dumping them in the log-tub to make a comfortable temperature. At last, it was purrfect and we slid our naked bodies into the steamy log. Heaven. A group of Asian Lutherans were in some of the other tubs, grinning from ear to ear, but I couldn’t help drooling over the Yum Yum Boy’s ample erection. I egged him on until he could stand it no more and he boned me right there under the blue sky and pine trees…and Asian churchgoers! I think I heard them praying as we left. All I know is that it was a religious experience for me! We hiked back up to our campground and cracked open the beverages and made a bonfire next to the river.
Then right after I decided that I felt confined with pants on, two flashlights came into view. It turned out to be a couple of handsome hiker boys that had made their way from the Mexican border and were looking for some company. We welcomed them into our campsite and after indulging in various vices for a while, we all got in the tent. I ended up screaming like a whore on nickel night, through the forest and louder than the ravens, all night long, honey!
The next day, we shoved off, and hiked (or in my case, swollenly hobbled) back to the truck. We drove up the mountain until we happened onto some friends that were at a makeshift shooting range. I got my first chance to shoot a .44 and a 9mm semi-automatic rifle. Let me tell you, after a lifetime of having a fear of guns, it was a very powerful experience and I loved it like crazy. One of the targets was a picture of Osama Bin Laden, taped to a cardboard box, and I shot the left cheek right off of him! Not bad for a skeptical neophyte.
We had a big, sacred celebration on the fourth of July, a big-ass BBQ at my house. Dozens of people toasted the Yum Yum Boy and I, long into the night. He was the barbeque master, and I, of course, was the hostess with the mostess. Everyone fell at least once. Only two chairs were broken. I designed a spread of food that will be talked about for a long, long time. Lights were strung all over the yard, and the Closet Queen played his dulcimer. Oh, I absolutely looove parties!
Dear Mz. Conduct,
I lost my sexy, gorgeous soul mate to nightlife: martinis and the bright lights.
How do I bring a lost lamb back to the fold?
Three years ago this month I meet this wonderful, wild and passionate woman, a princess she is and, well you can guess the challenges. Myself, a know-it-all, demanding but very passionate man is having a difficult time. We have had two years of ups and downs and back and forth about career, lifestyle, goals and objectives. Sex was always great and passionate but I always felt that my gal could be bisexual. Recently this seems to become more real for her but I know that she wants her man (me?) because she is at heart a princess who wants her prince.
How do I convince this princess, whom I adore, to return to the nest for love and babies? How long can she do the nightlife and martini scene without going too far? Do I pretend that I don't care for her and see if she comes back? Well that's not easy because she seems to be living out her 20's again with a different man or woman on her arm every night. I am not going to wait much longer for this girl to wake up and grow up.
I think you should get off your high horse and pull your royal head out of the steed’s ass. It seems your princess is doing what she wants to do and you want to control her lifestyle. And martinis, nightlife and dating aren't just for twenty year olds, honey, it’s for anyone secure enough to know that they want it, and she seems to. She doesn’t want babies and she doesn’t want you. You cannot ‘convince’ this princess to be anything she doesn’t want to. Perhaps you are just two different souls, and you should leave it alone. If she decides it is indeed you that she wants (and I wouldn’t hold my breath), then she’ll return on her own. Or maybe she’ll figure out that you’re really more like a frog than any kind of prince she ever dreamed about.
Dear Mz. Conduct,
I was thumbing my way through an SFX magazine and read your column. It was interesting reading. After a 12 year relationship/marriage that recently ended in divorce and me with the shirt off my back (no children), I find myself, ready and eager to please and explore another relationship(s). The thing is I cannot seem to meet a woman that I really want to have fun with sexually. Also, I haven’t yet found a good place to hang out and meet potential "dates". I sometimes find myself just wanting a beautiful woman's company, smell and taste without the baggage, say for an evening or two. Can you help?
Getting Back on Track
Christ on a crack whore, cry me a river and then drown yourself in it! Of course you want to bang as many beautiful women as humanly possible, you just plopped out of a very long relationship. You’re chomping at the bit and getting all frisky. A real relationship takes time and you’ll meet someone compatible when the universe and the Goddess of Guttersluts are good and ready for you to. But I don’t think that’s what you want right now, so keep thumbing your way through SFX magazine (www.sfxmag.com) until you find the escort section. Ring up an expensive call girl and be happy with your pitiful self.
© 2003 Kim Alvarez all rights reserved.