rock and roll me
“Porn star cowboy, you wreck my soul. One fine day I’m gonna dig you a hole, six feet down and two feet wide, my slim-assed baby, thin as a pole.”
Snarky affection from Mz. Conduct to the Yum Yum Boy
Make me an offer I can always refuse. Ask me anything your hearts and hard-ons desire on my web site; www.mzconduct.com or at guttergrl69.hotmail.com.
I’ve been selling everything in my house in order to move, and it’s been one damn fiasco around here after another. When people have gone ga-ga over the fabulous stuff I’ve collected and tell me they can’t believe I’d even think of selling it, I realized that it’s all just that. Stuff. Material possessions have no real value to me. I’ll acquire more ‘stuff’ in no time, as I have the knack it seems, but it sure feels good to purge one’s self of material items, i.e. thirty-six exotic masks, twenty-three lunchboxes (depicting childhood television shows), fifty-seven trolls dolls ranging in sizes and colors, dozens of framed pictures honoring ancient floggings, and more books than I could read in a lifetime. Things that really have no meaning other than to grab an unexpecting eye with a splash of color and an erotic subtlety. Another positive aspect, other than the cathartic ‘starting over’ revelation, is that I’ve met so many interesting people by opening up my home -- by appointment only, of course. Some days feel like Mz. Conduct’s Sale-O-Rama, I swear! Doubling my money, at the very least, off it all goes; to the little, black lesbian from Alabama, the East Indian family in a mini-van, the yuppie woman with the giant butt, the freedom fighting liberal girls with blurred stars and stripes in their academic eyes, the controversial cartoonist, and the newly-weds who dressed in matching parkas, to name a handful. An adorable old coot was ecstatic to not only buy my ladder but to find some garden tools as well. “Wow, I sure could use a good hoe!” he exclaimed when reaching towards the tools. I told him that most men feel that way. He either didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me altogether. Whatever, it’s all been a hoot!
Halloween was oh so scary this year! The Yum Yum Boy and I went as sixties porn stars, which wasn’t really a stretch for me. Unlike the boy, I was actually alive in the sixties, learning the fine art of, well, giving a blowjob, no doubt. Feeling his porn star oats, the YYB whisked me away on a midnight beach run, where we hiked along the rocks and threw pecked-out crab shells at the sandpipers that danced along the shadows. The sunset was like a ball of dark fire, as it seemed to set right on our skin. Hot stuff, baby and mucho romantic. Then we hit the arcade, where I kicked ass on the virtual shooting range and scored seven thousand little blue tickets. Valuable tickets that I could trade in at the prize counter for, say, a piece of purple bubble gum or a neon friendship bracelet made of string and plastic. Quite the decision to make, and as I detest gum chewing for more than two minutes and since I was in an ever-so-friendly mood at the time, the YYB got the bracelet.
We left the arcade and walked under the moonlit docks, checking out the fancy boats and dreaming one could be ours someday. One old codger was hosing down fish scales from a charter boat, and as we walked passed him, bidding him a lovely evening, we saw an amazing wood-grain sailboat all tucked away in the dark. Clandestinely, we strolled over for a closer look at this beauty. We couldn’t resist. Although we didn’t go all the way on deck, I sat on the YYB and we definitely felt the motion of the ocean, honey! It may seem that we’re having a run at just how many places we can exchange bodily fluids, but it’s really just our porn star souls shining through!
I was helping my ‘just walked out of a magazine’ son pack his belongings to move to a city in California, which just happened to be ablaze with several forest fires at the time. Great. I was thinking about all the foreign cities he’s been to and all the education he has and how raising a child never turns out quite the way you expect. Thank the Goddess of Guttersluts in this case. I raised my son in a cloud of pot smoke, driving him around in a VW bus that was painted up like a circus clown. I was always the ‘cool’ mom, flitting about town in my waste-long, purple dreadlocks and writing a fanzine for the underground subculture of poets and musicians. We lived at a recording studio for many years and while my son tried his best to do homework, we subjected ourselves to drum solos at midnight. So, as I helped the fruit of my loins fold and pack his designer label clothes -- and not the way he requested, of course – I noticed that he subscribes to the New Economist and had a letter for a job offer from some prestigious company down south. I joke about ‘where did I go wrong?’ but truth be told, I still want to be just like him when I grow up. It’ll never happen, I thought, as I adjusted my red, retro slip that showed perfectly beneath my tiny, black skirt and accentuated my lace knee-highs and biker boots. That’s okay, he’ll buy me a house someday, on an Argentinean beach, and I’ll be the eccentric, old, sex advisor who makes bongs out of seashells. And we’ll continue to respect and cherish each other’s spirits, as it always should be.
Dear Mz. Conduct,
I am a 45 year-old male with the normal ‘not enough sex’ problem! I am not married and don’t seem to know how to approach the subject when I do meet women I’m interested in. Any ideas, beautiful woman?
Why do I picture you in a polyester leisure suit, chartreuse, no doubt, with gold chains and a medallion hanging around your furry and exposed neck? Hmmm, it could just be me.
Finding a partner that shares the same degree of libido power can be difficult, but not impossible. It took me decades, honey, and what an exhausting search it was! I may have to mix up a batch of martinis just to rekindle the thought. Sex drive can be a topic to subtly bring up when you’re first dating someone of interest, but subtle is the key word here. People usually exude sexuality if they’re truly comfortable with their own. That’s a good first sign, but everything in life can be misleading, so proceed with extreme caution. Now, in your search, Christ with camel toes, don’t start yakking about your talents as a lover. It’s entirely subjective, Romeo, and we really don’t want to hear about how you like to please with your tongue and so on. It’ll send most of us running to the barf bucket on our way out the door. Remember that sexuality is powerful and doesn’t need to be sold.
When you find someone with a matching drive, hold on to it for dear life, and if the rest of the relationship can be good too, then do the work, damnit! Sex is as important as water, air and a lobster dinner. Things happen for a reason and when you genuinely nurture your own sexuality and are open and honest with people, it’ll happen when it happens.
Dear Mz. Conduct,
I am looking for a married woman to have a sexual fling with because I feel angry with my wife most all the time. She is almost always rude, disrespectful and distrustful. I know it sounds like I’m looking for a reason to do something wrong, but what do you think?
Marred in a Marriage
First of all, I think some men are under the misconception that canoodling with a married woman is somehow safer than the single set. Wrong! It’s just as easy, if not more so, for married women (who may also be unhappy) to get caught up in some emotional drama with a sneaking skunk of a married man.
Secondly, instead of going to the root of your problem with your wife’s disposition, you’re indeed looking a reason to find pleasure elsewhere. This will only make matters worse in the long run. Avoiding confrontation is not the answer, mister! If you want an open relationship, then discuss this with your spouse, and keep in mind that this would apply to her as well. If not, then I suggest you pay attention to your relationship at hand, the one you chose, and deal with whatever issues are making your wife the way she is. Most likely you and your behavior are involved. If you’re not happy in your marriage, either break your balls (what little left you have left) and buck up trying to fix it or get the hell out of Dodge!
© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez