even Cupid gets a heart-on!
“Never let a domestic quarrel ruin a day’s writing. If you can’t start the next day fresh, get rid of your wife.” Mario Puzo
Even Cupid gets a heart-on! Shoot me your arrows o’ love baby, and tell me what’s on your mind! Write to me from my website www.mzconduct.com or at; guttergrl69.hotmail.com and prepare for the Goddess of Gutterslut’s tumultuous truth!
Virgins on a Vespa, the holidays are over and we can all concentrate on a brand new year! Christmas brought me joy though, I must say. The Yum Yum Boy not only gave me a gorgeous garnet ring, but an orgasm marathon day as well. Not often does a girl get a garnet and a pearl necklace all in one snowy afternoon! Ahhh, the boy does know how to turn on his carnal charm. His gift from me was a pair of long-awaited Chinese dragons tattooed on both his forearms -- and the fact that I allow him in my bed each night. The fabulously sexy and talented Paul Zenk, at Infinity Tattoo [www.infinitytattoo.com] did the work. He’s done several tattoos for both of us and we are continuously loyal and amazed. Bend over Pauly, we love you!
On New Year’s Day, not only were my pink flamingos covered in lovely fresh snow, but also a local radio show called to tell me I had won their Sexy Artist contest. I had never entered this contest, but sure wasn’t going to open my mouth about such trivia now! I suppose someone else entered me and my website, and for that, whomever you are, I appreciate your faith in me and am grateful. It seems my prize is a much needed massage and a dinner at a swanky joint downtown. Ooh la la and shish boom bah, what a nice little surprise to bring in 2004.
Okay, so as Valentine’s Day approaches, I hope all of you are going to proceed accordingly. Some women adore flowers, such as I, but being a florist for eight years, I know that it is the absolute worst day to buy them. Prices are tripled and the quality usually isn’t quite up to par. If you’re a wealthy sort, then have at it, but for the working class, try for something different. This is, of course if you want to keep the best piece of ass you’ve ever had!
Here is Mz. Conduct’s Top Ten Sexiest Ideas for Valentine’s Day (based on my absolute most favorite things the Yum Yum Boy has done for me, which is why he’s still around… get it? Good!);
1) $$$ Take the little woman to an art gallery and clandestinely buy the piece of art she likes the best – This should guarantee a damn good meat massage.
2) $ Surprise your sweetie with a new piercing and a six-pack of Guinness – Good for a grope and a burp.
3) $ Surround the entire house -- and run a bath -- with candles and rose petals awaiting her. Champagne helps greatly – prepare for tears of joy and anything you want.
4) $$ Most cities have a horse drawn carriage that you can always finagle into spur of the moment ride… preferably with the destination of a swanky restaurant in mind—The reverse cowgirl should be more than happy to ride her stud after that.
5) $ Chocolates are nice, but not the discount drugstore drabsters. For the love of labia, invest in a nice box of Godiva or something equivalent. It matters, believe me. If we’re going to delve into the week of feeling bloated and beyond, we at least want it to be worth it! – Be content with a hug and maybe a big smooch.
6) $$ A surprise getaway to a favorite beach or mountain cabin with no communication whatsoever. Hot tubs are a plus and the animal in her will more than likely let loose!
7) $$ Tickets to see an upcoming show, i.e. Sandra Bernhard or Elvis Costello, and never you mind if it’s not someone you want to see! Attach the tickets to a bottle of wine and lay it on the bed with an always-phallic anthurium (that’s a tropical flower, genius!) -- Appreciation, gratitude and a handjob in the parking lot before the show are a shoe-in.
8) $ A favorite CD and a handmade card can go along way, really. It’s sweet for the po and you’ll get laid on general principle.
9) $$$ Lobster dinner, a new pair of leopard heels, and one long-stemmed rose…sigh. Her mouth will be searching for that bouncing beautiful boner, baby!
10) $ Last but not at all least, a heartfelt poem, being extra nice to that obnoxious friend of hers, doing the dishes and making her a coffee table with your own manly hands. – A good recipe for everyday and a sure-fire way to always get sex and lots of it!
Granted, variations and different tastes must be taken into account and if you’re paying proper attention, you will make it your business to know her interests. Get creative and when you get naughty, do it right, honey! Now, I must go, as the Yum Yum Boy has been leaning over my shoulder rubbing my neck, and in my peripheral vision I see that his pants resemble a pup tent. So, off I go to hone my sword swallowing skills, not that I need it, but a girl must practice practice practice!
Dear Mz. Conduct,
I have been trying my best to avoid a woman who is stalking me and it just isn’t working. I dated her three times and realized she was very needy and shallow, so I broke it off. I never return her calls (which come weekly by the way), and in no way have I shown any more interest. A neighbor told me he has seen her car outside of my house on numerous occasions and I keep finding (not so) anonymous balloon bouquets and such nonsense on my porch. What is with her and what can I do?
The skin-crawling subject of stalkers, ugh! I welcome any of my readers to comment or share suggestions on this, as I too, feel the need for input from others who may have shared a similar experience. I had an insane Dominatrix threaten my life a few years back, claiming I stole her husband, and after I called the police, that was a done deal, but now I seem to have an unstable woman living half way around the world who can’t seem to get it through her head that the man she wants, wants me. She is obviously mentally unstable and unable to decipher reality from fantasy and hopefully by bringing this to a public surface, she will retreat. I have only compassion for these people, but contempt brews eventually, doesn’t it? Indigence is so unattractive, and ironically in some cases, such as mine, the more the stalker pursues, the closer it brings my lover and I.
I can’t even fathom how the mind of a stalker works. When one makes it clear that they don’t want anything to do with you, how can one humiliate one’s self by making themselves a nuisance to their so-called heart’s desire? Why would anyone in his or her right mind do that? Well, that’s what we need to remember; these people aren’t in their right mind. Here are some descriptions that could be fitting:
Schizophrenia is the most severe of the major adult psychiatric disorders and interferes with the ability to think clearly, separate fantasy from reality, manage emotions, make decisions, and relate to others.
A personality disorder must fulfill several criteria. A deeply ingrained, inflexible pattern of relating, perceiving, and thinking serious enough to cause distress or impaired functioning is a personality disorder. Personality disorders are usually recognizable by adolescence or earlier, continue throughout adulthood, and become less obvious throughout middle age.
The National Mental Health Association website is; http://www.nmha.org/ in case you feel the need to understand your stalker’s disorder, as I did. I realize this is not a solution, but it helps sometimes to know just what you’re dealing with. In your case, I don’t know how long this is been going on, but obviously ‘avoiding’ her isn’t working and confronting her may be what you need to do. You may need to be brutal and direct and if that doesn’t work, the police in most states will convey your message to her, acting as your agent. Then if she continues, they can arrest her. Restraining orders are also there for a reason, honey!
Dear Mz. Conduct,
First of all, may I say that I met you once at a magazine party, and you are one of the sexiest women I have ever met. The way you carry yourself and your smile were the biggest turn-ons for me. Anyway, back to why I wrote you.
How can I get my wife to masturbate? She thinks it’s naughty and dirty, etc. I’ve told her that I would love to watch and even participate in playing, but she refuses and gets very upset with me. Dirty talk is out too because she gets equally upset. I’m seriously thinking of playing around with someone else. I’ve been married eight years to my wife whom I love dearly, but I am so frustrated! Do you have any suggestions?
Pent-up in Portland
Thank you for your flattery. It will get you nowhere, but meanwhile back on the ranch, you are in a frustrated fix now aren’t you? This is a frequent subject with men, especially. It seems that when you marry someone, all of your standards, sexual ones as well, must be met, but for some reason some people think their significant other will change or that they can deal with certain inhibitions in time. Not a reasonable state of mind, as it almost always comes to this.
I’ll bet my strap-on that she’s had some sort of sexual trauma making her feel uncomfortable with her own body. Perhaps she’s been raised Catholic and hasn’t recovered from that yet, as some of us have. In any case, I suggest that you sweetly sit your wife down and seriously tell her that her sexual inhibitions are ruining your marriage. Maybe some counseling would be in order, if she were willing to try that. There is also a wonderful book called “The Clitoral Truth” by Rebecca Chalker that she may benefit from. Susie Bright has a swell site www.susiebright.com and if that’s too much for her, then a tame and informative site can also be found at; http://lovingyou.com/.
So, before you tangle with infidelity and canoodle another clam, deal with these issues directly with your wife. If she loves you and wants your marriage to work, she’ll get some much needed help, for her sexual health as well as yours.
© All rights reserved Kim Alvarez