The Queen of Freakin' Everything and her humble opinions
Time Flies and So Do Queen Bees
ďMaybe some women arenít meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with.Ē
Carrie from Sex in the City
Ask the Mistress of Mischief, Mz. Conduct herself, at: guttergrl69.hotmail.com
Maybe itís because of a big digit birthday on my doorstep (damn that welcome mat), or maybe itís a reflection of past experiences, past penises and the fact that having a queen bee complex simply complicates everything.
Queen bees love attention; our honey is by far the sweetest and we dare to have deviant double standards. Then we canít understand why people donít understand. We are not jealous or possessive until we find ourselves in a love thang, which we fight like hell to avoid. Sometimes it just creeps up and bites us on our beautiful, round asses. Because we get turned on even more by the pain of the bite, we feel as if weíve lost control. We will always gather back control, thatís not the issue. Itís the abruptness of the sting and the vacancy in the hive.
What is it that we queen bees want? Why is it that we need everyone to love us more than anyone else? We want brains, romance, nurturing and undying love, but we also want a man who is strong enough to put us in our place when need be. Personally I want to be banged in the library bathroom. I want strange adventure and uninhibited lust, anywhere and anyplace I so desire. I want flowers and surprises and to be told Iím a raging bitch when I am. I want to be slammed up against the wall and told how much Iím wanted. I want tenderness and humor and nasty exchanges all day long. I want sex in the morning and in the middle of the night and every chance in between. I want to be held when Iím crying and my hair stroked when Iím a blathering, drunken mess. Is that too much to ask? I donít think so. But maybe thatís why no man can handle me and stay sane or physically in tact for long. Men see me as a challenge and then fizzle out somewhere down the line. I wonder if any one person can alter your spirit within, or finally put a muzzle on the little green monster that shadows us from time to time. Is enough ever enough, and will I live long enough to know?
I thought back to third grade when David Madrigal was my boyfriend. He was sweet and very cute and hid lots of gifts for me in the big oak tree down the street. I loved it but wanted something more. Danny Fisher was popular and with his little overbite, I decided that I wanted him too. Eventually, and as the years went by, I roped him and then juggled the two pre-pubescent punks until I dumped them both for Eddie H. Eddie H. was a bad boy. Trouble with the law and the works and we were only in middle school. He threw rocks at me and was mean, but I knew he liked me because when he wasnít with his friends, he would call me at home and talk nasty. I thought, this was the boy for me. Well, until another one caught my eye, at least. He already had a girlfriend, but that was beside the point in my should-have-been-banned book, and when I finally got his undivided attention, I dumped him like a bag of week old trash. There is something about the unattainable to us all that remains so tempting and alluring. I just want everyoneís love, damnit. Hey, itís not like I donít make it a point to spread it around myself.
Anyway, my life has always been this way and I wonder why it is that we queen bees need more than simple girls seem to. The uncomplicated and simple girls that men end up marrying ... and then inevitably cheat on with us. Maybe because weíre wild, spirited and on fire in the sack, and can never be tamed.
So, the transient trollop called me, peeing her panties in laughter. She had called her voice mailbox and heard a panting sort of breathy sound but no message. Well, after getting all worked up and listening to it four times she realized it was her own damn voice. She had called and hit the wrong button an hour before and left herself the unknowingly, titillating message. Too freakiní funny. Since I was feeling unloved and rejected, she informed me, ďHey, at least I donít have anyone to reject me where as you and your whining self allows yourself a pasture full of boys to reject your demanding queen bee self.Ē I guess she has a point. She said if I complained further, sheíd kick my ass so hard that Iíd be wearing a colostomy bag. Then I could shop for shitty shoes to go with it. Point taken.
Dear Mz. Conduct,
I know this is an odd question, but would you consider stepping/walking on a man? Would you choose to wear shoes and if so what type? Is this a strange thing to ask?
Footing the Bill
Oh, itís not an odd question and in the mood Iím in, you betcha! Yes I would wear shoes, my shiny, black, stiletto heels and Iíd start marching away at your groin, honey, like I was putting out a fire. Donít take it personally though, youíre just a man.
Itís not that strange, as you have a foot fetish of sorts. You like to be demeaned by the opposite sex and have a definite submissive side to you. In actuality this activity would have to be planned a bit and discussed ahead of time with the woman who would do this. You may want to start with her bare feet and work your way up to heels of any sort. Afterwards, a nice massage and some intimacy are a must. You can always hire a professional dominatrix to do this too. She will know what sheís doing and inadvertently show you what to do with a non-professional for next time. Not a new fetish, and nothing to fret over. When I was a little girl I remember Nancy Sinatraís sex ridden voice on the radio as she sang ďThese boots are made for walking, and thatís just what theyíll do. One of these days these boots are going to walk all over you.Ē I used to get chicken skin just thinking how cool that would be. Of course it was a metaphorical verse in her case, but I always preferred the literal interpretation. If the shoe fits, wear it and walk on a man who loves it.
Dear Mz. Conduct,
Recently a woman told me I have an abnormal penis. She said it was too short, too fat and the head curves too far under. I have only been with a hand-full of women in my life and never really compared my erect penis with another manís so never thought anything was wrong with my little friend. I respect her opinion and wondered if you could help?
Panty liners for post-it notes, at least this woman was brutally honest with you, I commend her for that alone. From what you tell me, it sounds like you may Peyronies (pronounced pay-row-knees) disease. I found out about this when the Lilí Princess had a man with such a penis. Sometimes a penis with Peyronies is very short, abnormally so, say about three inches when erect. It also can be very thick and the head is severely curved up or down or to the side. It can make it difficult to penetrate a woman and can also be painful at times. There are surgical procedures that can help, but they are painful and sometimes shorten the penis even more. There are exercises you can do though, and if consistent, may also help and certainly be less painful without losing anymore length. It sounds like surgery would not be a bright idea for you, stubby.
If any of these things sound familiar then there is a site you can check out at;
www.peyronies.org which may answer some further questions. If not, then maybe you just have a mutant little stub of manhood and should go find a submissive little woman who will love you first for who you are then happily take whatever hangs between your legs.
Copyright 2002 All Rights Reserved Kim Alvarez