Why I Cut
edited: Tuesday, February 26, 2002
By fionnagh oaks
Posted: Tuesday, February 26, 2002
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A reason for why I cut myself.
People have asked why I feel the need to cut myself. So I thought
perhaps now would be a good time to explain. I do not cut because I
want to die; in fact I am not suicidal. I cut, for several reasons. To
relieve the pain and shame I feel inside. To remind myself that I am
still alive when I am feeling numb. To punish myself for wrongs I feel I
have done. And perhaps because the physical pain is better than the
Sometimes the pain I am feeling, the emotions are so great that my mind
goes on overload and all I can think about is ending it. Dealing with
it is more difficult, so I take razor to flash and watch as the
emotional pain drains away. The razor slices small thin cuts that sting
and bleed by drips. Sometimes the numb feeling comes back while
cutting. When that happens I end up cutting more, sometimes deeper.
Never enough to warrant stitches, but it's a shot in the dark sometimes
whether or not I will be found out and have need to go to the emergency
Sometimes when I argue with friends and family I am feeling so shocked
inside that I know I must punish myself. Only then will I be able to go
on. I know its a cop-out sometimes instead of actually dealing with my
issues, but I have been using the cutting as a coping mechanism for more
than 10 years. I have had therapists try to threaten me with
hospitalizations or with my family leaving me. Threats do not work.
And I highly recommend that anyone who has therapists try that, walk
away as fast as you can. Because a counselor that wants to help should
not try to tear you down.
It has been over 6 months since I have cut the last time. But the want
to cut is still there. Whenever I get upset and want to harm myself, I
do try to find someone to talk with. Sometimes its a friend I can call
or someone I can talk with online. There have been times that talking
about cutting and why has been enough to stop me from doing it. There
was a time though that I would cut mostly at night when my husband was
asleep, he would wake in the morning and I would be asleep and covered
in blood. He has always wanted me to wake him up so we can talk, but I
have never wanted to inconvenience him. I know he has to work in the
I try not to cut now
. I make an effort but I do not make empty promises
about my ability to not cut. That just ends up hurting everyone
involved. The shame ends up being a two-edged sword. I cut because I
feel shame but afterwards the shame is greater because I have not been
able to keep myself from cutting. I end up feeling like I have let
everyone and including myself down.
Finally, cutting for me has positive and negative drawbacks. Some have
likened it to an addiction like alcoholism. I am not sure if that is
true for me. I am not addicted to feeling the slicing of a razor nor
the clean up afterwards. I cope the best way I know how. And yes I
know I may not make the right decisions at times, but all I can do is
try. Maybe I should be punishing the men who have hurt me in my past
instead of hurting myself.
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|Reviewed by shannon Smith
I know exactly what you mean..congratulations on the 6month mark by the way!! thats great!!the feeling might never go away but im sure it will fade...it may take a while but it will fade.
|Reviewed by Kathy Ewbank
|Another place on the quilt of life we touched together... the same... for me it was that the pain from the cuts would for a moment or two be greater than the emotional pain and I could get on with the business of feeling normal. Then negativity would take over and once again, I'd cut. Back in the 90's in a treatment center when they took away all the cutting items I felt as if my way out had left me. I only found new ones, but by the time I left there - recovery came with healing being a forgiveness of all the things I had done to cut others up - instead of forgiving what others had done to me. The year before that while in treatment I had forgiven them. So now it has been since 1993 that I have inflicted self-punishment. I hope this writing you have submitted is about what you used to do and have been able to stop. I'll pray for you. I agree with the other writer - please write instead of harming yourself any longer. We appreciate you!..... Kathy|
|Reviewed by Kathy Ewbank
|Well, I have thought about that myself suddenly, but very rarely, just as I think of jumping when I am high, but in my case it is just the usual "antithetical" thinking - the other side of the coin comes up, the suppressed, feared side.
I don't believe I would act on the "wrong" side, but I have always believed one never knows. For intance, somewould might suddenly do something - and everyone would say, "He wa such a nice boy..." Or, "Gee, he seemed fine yesterday, quite content..." But I am no longer afraid of losing my grip that way. I was when I was youngeer.
Anyway, my cuts are pretty much limited to paper cuts. Perhaps you can use your writing as your knife to cut through the surface. There's not much substance underneath, but the operation is much safer.
Warm regards, David
|Reviewed by Sarah Cole
|though I hope you are able to withstand the temptation to ever do it again, I know all to well how hard it is. Your victory is hard won. It's been several months since I have done it as well. Thank you for having the courage to share this to help people understand.|
|Very informative. I've read and heard a little about cutting. I always find it fascinating to discover how each of us chooses to cope. Wishing you Peace & Light~|
|Reviewed by Theresa Koch
|You really touched my heart with this. I wish you Many Blessings and Healing Light~`*|