People have asked why I feel the need to cut myself. So I thought
perhaps now would be a good time to explain. I do not cut because I
want to die; in fact I am not suicidal. I cut, for several reasons. To
relieve the pain and shame I feel inside. To remind myself that I am
still alive when I am feeling numb. To punish myself for wrongs I feel I
have done. And perhaps because the physical pain is better than the
emotional overload.

Sometimes the pain I am feeling, the emotions are so great that my mind
goes on overload and all I can think about is ending it. Dealing with
it is more difficult, so I take razor to flash and watch as the
emotional pain drains away. The razor slices small thin cuts that sting
and bleed by drips. Sometimes the numb feeling comes back while
cutting. When that happens I end up cutting more, sometimes deeper.
Never enough to warrant stitches, but it's a shot in the dark sometimes
whether or not I will be found out and have need to go to the emergency
room.

Sometimes when I argue with friends and family I am feeling so shocked
inside that I know I must punish myself. Only then will I be able to go
on. I know it’s a cop-out sometimes instead of actually dealing with my
issues, but I have been using the cutting as a coping mechanism for more
than 10 years. I have had therapists try to threaten me with
hospitalizations or with my family leaving me. Threats do not work.
And I highly recommend that anyone who has therapists try that, walk
away as fast as you can. Because a counselor that wants to help should
not try to tear you down.

It has been over 6 months since I have cut the last time. But the want
to cut is still there. Whenever I get upset and want to harm myself, I
do try to find someone to talk with. Sometimes it’s a friend I can call
or someone I can talk with online. There have been times that talking
about cutting and why has been enough to stop me from doing it. There
was a time though that I would cut mostly at night when my husband was
asleep, he would wake in the morning and I would be asleep and covered
in blood. He has always wanted me to wake him up so we can talk, but I
have never wanted to inconvenience him. I know he has to work in the
morning.

I try not to cut now…. I make an effort but I do not make empty promises
about my ability to not cut. That just ends up hurting everyone
involved. The shame ends up being a two-edged sword. I cut because I
feel shame but afterwards the shame is greater because I have not been
able to keep myself from cutting. I end up feeling like I have let
everyone and including myself down.

Finally, cutting for me has positive and negative drawbacks. Some have
likened it to an addiction like alcoholism. I am not sure if that is
true for me. I am not addicted to feeling the slicing of a razor nor
the clean up afterwards. I cope the best way I know how. And yes I
know I may not make the right decisions at times, but all I can do is
try. Maybe I should be punishing the men who have hurt me in my past
instead of hurting myself.
~blessed be