Lesser-Known Prophecies of Nostradamus
edited: Monday, June 17, 2002
By Nomde P. Lum
Posted: Monday, June 17, 2002
Become a Fan
He that still hasn’t paid me the money he owes me
Shall one day regret it
Because I shall be a terror to my debtors.
If you don’t pay back the money
I shall introduce you to new worlds of pain
For I am Cosa Nostradamus.
As the Second Milennium begins
A white Southerner in a suit
Who belongs to a prominent political family
Will become the President
Of the country south of Ontario.
His opponent will also be a white Southerner in a suit.
The President will be fellated
By a naive fool who idolizes him
Until the President says,
“Get up, Dan, and let the other reporters have a chance.”
And Dan Rather will say: “That’s not fair, George, you let Michael Kelly have a longer time than me.”
He who puts prophecies on the Internet
Claiming that I wrote them
May think he is being funny
But he isn’t.
In the House of Justice
The Nine Oracles of the Law will pronounce their decisions.
They will decide, by a five to four margin, that up is down.
The four dissenters will say that up is sideways.
Do not presume to say that the law is clear and understandable
Because the Nine Oracles will twist the law into pretzel shapes.
To the Nine Oracles, “no” will mean “yes” and “yes” will mean “no.”
No wonder Thomas didn’t think he was harassing Hill-
He thought she really wanted it
And that when she said, “stop,” she meant “go.”
Thus shall it always be with the Oracles of the Law
Their implausible legal interpretations will be a source of much merriment.
He that puts his money on Detroit
Will have his wager returned to him many fold.
But he that wagers that some other team will win
Shall surely gain nothing but frustration.
Remember, put your money on Detroit.
I should have been a bookie instead of a prophet,
I would have made a f______ fortune.
Country and rap are inherently incompatible
But that won’t stop some idiots from trying to combine the two genres.
Soon there will be a country/rap album
Called, “NASCAR as They Wanna Be.”
And what’s with all these “reality TV” shows?
Can someone explain this to me?
It is a mystery beyond the ken of the wise
Why this kind of crap is so popular.
And I’ll tell you another thing that really aggravates me: Air travel.
I know that air travel is pretty tense now because of the terrorist threat,
But terrorism isn’t an adequate excuse for how much air travel sucks.
After all, air travel sucked *before* 9/11.
It starts with the crowded airports, the late flights, the awful in-flight move that you already saw four times,
And now you have to worry about terrorism.
And the people protecting you from the terrorists are a bunch of minimum-wage federal employees
At the security checkpoints. At least they’re armed!
But what about the pilots? No, you can’t arm *them,*
It would be too dangerous. Please! I’ll take my chances with the armed pilots.
OK, where’s my beer?
If I the bartender doesn’t bring my beer, I predict some major misfortunes all around.