LOVE AFTER MARRIAGE ( OTHER THAN THE PARTNER)
by uppalapati Lakshmi Prasanthi
edited: Sunday, July 14, 2002
Posted: Sunday, July 14, 2002
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If anyone falls in love after marriage with some other person, what should he/she do? If he/she have any kids, then how to proceed? This is a topic of discussion in another site. I expressed my response in this way.
This kind of feeling arises only because of lack of understanding and interaction between the couple. If proper respect and mutual love is there, then also they need to communicate properly and reserve some time in a day only for themselves so that they can spend quality time together sharing their feelings. It is not important how much you provide or serve the other person, the only thing that matters is how much care and concern you show. The pampering is required. We need not express our love before everyone and all the times but we should express it when we are alone and whenever we are alone.
When will the question of love on other persons arise? When any of the couple are sentimental, emotional and the other person overlooks their feelings and remain casual. So the person naturally feels emptiness. There are some people who wait for such an opportunity and cleverly traps the other person. In most of the cases, this is only the reason.
Ofcourse we shouldn't suppress our feelings or desires, we can't cheat our own heart, but there is a sacred factor in marriage, a holy relationship. Marriages are made in heaven. This is very much true . If there are any differences, we should try to overcome them, settle it, but shouldn't think or search for another way.
Once you are married or agreed to marry a person, then their dreams and desires will be directed towards us and they make us a part of their lives. We shouldn't break the confidence of them on us. There will be no great love than that of a life partner.( I very much agree, most people do not live as they are expected, as they promise at marriage time).
The important possible reasons for the quarrel : If we or our partner love someone and unfortunately couldn't marry. In this situation, we should live alone if we wish so. If we agree to marry another person, then we should share it(do not keep it as a secret) and you should be devoted to your partner only. Both should try to adjust with the sentence of God for they can't escape HIS decision.
The second reason may be, if the partner is so rude and harassing type and if no one can convince him/her, then you should try for divorce and then can think of second marriage(or love whatsoever). If we have children, then we must be careful and responsible. We should teach them morals and our behaviour and attitude will have a strong impact on their mental development.
If separation is inevitable, then only we can think in that way. Even then also, we first need to know whether we are acceptable to the other person with our children or not. We should consider it very carefully.
Anyway, Feelings when our mental state is not normal are not final or proper. So we shouldn't take any decision based on those feelings. We should respect the institution of marriage.
Mutual love and understanding, commitment and respect leads to a very happy and conjugal marital life. Whether it is love or arranged, we should try to work for this understanding. My feeling is Youth must be given freedom to chose their life partners.
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|Reviewed by rohini kumar
|Love After Marriage is just a thought in a fools mind to have beleif in a wrong person.
It just happens with people who don't have common sence.
|Reviewed by chander keswani (Reader)
|I have enjoyed your arguments..........chander keswani|
|Reviewed by Arla Q
This is a very complex question that has no straightforward answers. The concept of marriage arose out of specific needs of human society (most other species do not have this concept). It is not an instinct. People marry for many reasons, not everyone marries for love. It is a contract between two people, and just as in any other contract, as long as you are in it, it is not ethical to have an affair. But love is not usually bounded by this kind of rationality. Falling in love in not wrong by itself; you still have a choice of acting on it, you still have control.
I am glad you expessed your views on this matter. I don't believe in many absolutes myself, but I do agree with you that youth have to have freedom of choice, it makes things so much easier.
|Reviewed by jai-baba
My Dear Udai,
Absence of love in marriage leads to the path of non-human behaviour.Kindly try to understand and experience the fruits of love in life.If you still believe that marriage rests with other than love then it is better to lead a bachelor's life.
|Reviewed by Navin Pathuru
A few words of Swamy Vivekananda which i feel are related to this context, i will express my opinion at the below.
A householder should be devoted to God;
the knowledge of God should be the goal his life. Yet he must work constantly, perform all his duties;
In India marriage is thought of as a bond thrown by society round two people, to unite them for all eternity. Those two must wed each other, whether they will or not, in life after life. Each acquires half of the other. And if one seems in this life to have fallen hopelessly behind, it is for the other only to wait and beat time, till he or she catches up again.
Chastity is the first virtue in man or woman.
A good, chaste wife, who thinks of every other man except her own husband as her child and has the attitude of a mother towards all men, will grow so great in the power of her purity that there cannot be a single man, however brutal, who will not breathe an atmosphere of holiness in her presence. Similarly, every husband must look upon all women, except his own wife, in the light of his own mother or daughter or sister.
My thoughts Prashanthi:
Talk to your mother,husband,brother,sister, children and then offer the best of it to your society. Can you advise your daughter who is ready to be getting married about your opinion? Our youth today has a lot of distractions already. What is needed is to point them in the right direction. I personally feel Great Sages like Swamy Vivekananda and Gods like Sri Rama Krishna Paramahamsa and SHIRDI SAI BABA is the direction and destination.
When a child is born, a mother does not know about the child won't they live together for the rest of their life. When a man marries a woman whom he does not know so will he also live with her for eternity. If a small child can live why cannot a man or a woman live? That is the greatness of my Motherland. A notion which rest of the world will even tremble to imagine is a fundemental in my Motherland. In your body there is one place for heart and there is one place for waste, offer the heart to the world. Forgive me for my rudeness.
|Reviewed by Sridhar
|I don't like this -ve thoughts....|
|Reviewed by Uday
|Most Indian marriages to date are still very much arranged. This happens in all classes (upper, middle, lower) and castes, modern (aka "cultured") or not. Particularly in educated and some somewhat more modern guys and girls, there is always some kind of expectation about their respective life partner, a lover, which they dream about. Now if they are arranged married, it is quite possible that their dream wasn't fulfilled. I think this represents a significant population, most of who live in eternal compromise.
My question: Does marriage, by its idealistic definition, forbid them [married people] to fall in love with a person other than their partner? I suppose so. Same time I don’t see any sense in saying, “marriage requires two people to love each other”.
I want to be very clear here when I say, "fall in love". I make no reference to what really will or can happen as a result of falling in love. It is the happening alone that I'm asking, is forbidden or not. Because then I ask, if I am responsible towards my partner, kids and other family members, in all ways as is expected of me, excepting that I do not love my partner as much as I love this other person, am I still moral and ethical?
I do not bring in any reference to religion, culture or law here. When love is universal, so is marriage that is founded on basis of love. When marriage is not formed from love, Can it demand love as requirement?
|Reviewed by Masarat Daud (Reader)
|Interesting piece you got here Prasanthi. There has to be a two-way good communication or else the person wanders off.|