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arizona n hawkins

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arizona n hawkins

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A Little Talk With Myself
by arizona n hawkins   
Not "rated" by the Author.
Last edited: Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Posted: Tuesday, May 20, 2008

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about making the right decisions

Yesturday was a weak day for me. It started out very early and I guess I was just still tired from the weekend. We had to go to Alexandria to Tony's appointment very early and when we got there we found out that he has to go from taking one shot a day to taking 4 shots a day. Then we ended up having to use our truck note money to pay the doctor bill. After all that was done we were hungry because Tony had to fast for the test so I didnt eat either and we went in a few places to eat and no one would except a check and we forgot to get some cash before we left Jena. We finally ended up going to Walmart and getting something out of the deli.

  Anyways on the way home I let things start building up in my mind. What do we need to do here? What if Tony needs to quit working? Can I make enough to support our family? Can I even make enough to buy his insulin and the supplies? and stuff like that.

  When we get back we go talk to medicaid and seems there just isnt much they can do right now but they did give me some pointers. She suggested that I should go back to school, maybe nursing, and get a degree to prepare incase such happens. But in my mind I'm still thinking... who will watch my kids? what if he has to quit before i can finish? How will we get insulin? How will we even afford the kinds of food that they want for him to eat? How will I pay the truck note so I will have a way back and forth to school? I can't go to school at Rod Brady because I made a mistake and quit and now they won't except me back. I have to go out of town for school. How will I pay for the gas as hi as it is? Just a million questions overloading my itsy bitsy little brain.

   Well we leave the medicaid office and head back towards home. Tony goes to pull out and this car comes racing down the road way over speed limit and nearly hits us. Then she keeps getting on our tail and hollering out window, flagging us to stop, and shooting the bird. Tony pulls over and she slides in behind us nearly rear ending us. She jumps out the car and gets in Tony's face hollering. I get out of the truck initially to break the fight up.

  This is where my day really got bad... When I start telling Tony lets just get in the truck to leave, she starts rambling off a buncha of stuff that makes absolutely no sense, making gestures at me, and starts saying that I'm a whore and ...well alot of stuff like that. Ofcourse that ticks Tony off so he & her start argueing again and I end up telling her she is crazy and she needs to get in the car and leave. Tony picks up the phone and starts calling the cops and she just keeps just calling me names .............

  My brain just totally spaced out and before I knew what was coming out of my mouth I was starting to argue back with her... right there on the side of the road. I don't even understand myself.. Usually I can handle this kind of stuff. I hardly ever get mad. But point is I did this time. She finally gets in her car when she realizes Tony is calling the cops but just as she gets onto the road she slows down real slow infront of me, throwing her hands up with her middle finger pointed at me, cussing, and spins out just enough to act like she was bad. And I gestured her back.

 I left there so mad... and not at her. All the different ways I could have handled the situation just kept running thru my head. Then on top of that I started thinking about why she would act like she acted. I'm almost positive this girl isn't feeling bad about how she acted... This is something that is pretty usual for her. But I also know that people that act like that have been thru things in there lives that have led them to act like that.

I feel like such a hypocrit. I'm the very one that is always telling people to consider what there enemies have been thru and why they would act the way they do. I'm the very one that tells people to slow down and think about these thing before you get mad. I'm the very one who says that if you show someone kindness even when they arent being kind that things will ineviitably turn out for the better.

  Yet I am the very one who did not slow down and take my own advice and it shames me. Most anyone I would talk to about this would probably say.. well I would have said more.. I would have kicked her butt.. or something along that line... or there may be others that would console me and say something like well everyone has there moments and you did the best you could...

  But none of that is right! I could have held my temper. I could have said I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I could have done a million kind things that would have been right. I could sit here now and defend myself and blame it on the way she acted. But the way others act should not define the way I act. I could say well I had a bad day and dah dah blahhhhhh! So what ! Bad days come and go all the time, if I can't control myself on a bad day then I can't control myself. Anyone could handle themselves better on a good day. What makes a difference is when you can shine your lite no matter the circumstance.

What if that was a test? What if I had only respnded differently? There is a possiblility that had I approached the situation differntly that at some point that girl would have actually thought about her actions, and possibly corrected herself.

Not only that I could have gained much more from kindly settling the dispute than I have gained from losing my temper. Not in anyway did me acting foolish make me feel like a bigger woman. By losing my temper I have lost all the way around.

Love... love ... love... I pray that I will think of this next time I start feeling overwhelmed.. I hope that I can remember at that very moment that God is watching me. But most of all I pray that someday I can approach that same girl with an attitude and compassion that will lead her out of whatever ails her instead of just deeper into it. I am the one who knew better... and the one who could have made things different.

Lord forgive me and teach me Your ways for I know they are the ways that lead to peace, joy, & love! They are the ways that lead me to You! Amen.



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