A Letter of Apology---
edited: Saturday, June 01, 2002
By Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado
Posted: Saturday, June 01, 2002
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I wrote some things yesterday I shouldn't have said; for this reason, I am doing this, a letter of apology...
To the Readers at AuthorsDen:
I may have offended some people yesterday with my comments on certain topics, and I am taking the time to write out my apologies.
First of all, yesterday was a VERY BAD DAY for me, emotionally. It ISN'T often when I go "off the deep end", in terms of my depression, but I was feeling angry about stupid stuff, and in my anger, I said some NASTY things I shouldn't have EVEN said, in particular, those comments aimed towards the Latino population.
If there are any Latino readers out there, I want to apologize for my rude comments. It's just that I'm NOT used to being around non-English-speaking people. Where I come from originally in Ohio, I lived in a small village where most everyone spoke English as their primary language--unless I went to a bigger city like Cleveland or Columbus--and that wasn't very often. Plus I was mad because I can't communicate with my co-workers in the BOTH (Back Of The House) at the restaurant I work at, and it frustrates me. BIG time. Plus they speak "Tex-Mex" Spanish whereas I learned "Castillian" Spanish (the "correct" Spanish). The difference between the two is quite obvious, plus it's been over 20+ years since I took Spanish in school.
It DIDN'T help being raised with a racist family. My mom wasn't TOO bad, and neither was my dad, but my grandmother was the WORST. She HATED Jews, Blacks (she called them "Niggers"), Mexicans, and "Chinks" (Chinese) and "Japs" (Japanese). She wouldn't let Karla or me associate with a Black girl in our neighborhood just because of the color of her skin. She threw our friend out of the house and told her never to come over again.
Because of this, my mind was poisoned to some degree (although I NEVER had any trouble with Black, Jewish, Oriental, Native American Indian, or whatever--the ONLY ones I had ANY trouble with were the Latino people--and MOSTLY because they didn't speak English). (I have to work EXTRA HARD to overcome these past racist beliefs and TRY to accept ALL people, REGARDLESS of WHERE they come from and REGARDLESS of WHO they are.)
And that is NOT a crime, not speaking English. It's just you are used to your mother tongue and it's easier. And that is okay. I'll just have to learn to live with it--and ACCEPT it.
Latinos have AS MUCH RIGHT to be here as I do. And if I offended y'all, I can understand if you don't want to accept my apology. But at least I tried. And now you also know the reason behind the nasty words I put down yesterday. But Jesus really got sore at me, and I was feeling guilty because I knew I screwed up big time; so this is why I am apologizing to y'all now.
Plus the catastrophic events of 9-1-1 have altered me emotionally. I am VERY angry, especially towards those who perpetrated the crimes, and especially towards the FBI, who KNEW ABOUT IT BEFOREHAND and then DIDN'T WARN US OR TAKE THE NECESSARY PRECAUTIONARY STEPS IN PREVENTING IT FROM HAPPENING.
In other words, 9-1-1 DIDN'T HAVE TO HAPPEN.
I am also angry because The Twin Towers are no more, and being a twin, the events of 9-1-1 REALLY hit me HARD. I had something in common with the World Trade Center Towers. If it weren't for those cowardly terrorist jerks the World Trade Centers would STILL BE STANDING TALL AND PROUD--and thousands of lives would have been spared.
Those people DIDN'T HAVE TO DIE THE WAY THEY DID.
I am also frustrated because of my being poor and disabled and NOT having a car. It is NOT FUN walking in a rainstorm with lightning and thunder--on a METAL CRUTCH, yet. (Talk about an INSTANT "lightning rod"!)
But--I have NO CHOICE. Therefore, I walk, even if it IS on a crutch.
I wish the weathy in society could live in the shoes of us poor people, especially the "working poor". How we have to struggle to make ends meet, how we have to scrimp and save what little money we have left over--AFTER paying our bills. Or how some, like my twin sister, for example, CAN'T pay outstanding bills that are past due because the majority of her checks go towards rent ($200+--and THAT'S FOR LOW-INCOME, DISABLED at a GOVERNMENT-SUBSIDIZED APARTMENT COMPLEX!!) and electricity ($75+ a month). I often have to give Karla some extra cash out of my OWN CHECK so as to "help her out" a little bit. Or how we can't hardly afford to feed ourselves and have money left for our most basic needs--and if we DO want to do something we have to save money in advance and depend on others for transportational needs--like, for example, if we want to see Loretta Lynn at Billy Bob's Texas, go to Fossil Rim in Glen Rose and see the cheetahs, or go to the zoo). We don't cook but very little (we HATE to cook), and we'd much rather go out to eat if it's cheap. If we have ANY extra money left over we're ALWAYS AMAZED!!
Do rich folk think we ASKED to be "poor"?
Do rich people think we poor "won't amount to anything?"
Do rich people think we poor "are a burden to society?"
That's the impression I'M getting...
If the rich saw how we "working poor" lived maybe, just maybe, they would see just how BAD it is!!!---
And LORD help those who are poor AND disabled, like my twin sister and I happen to be...
It's even worse.
We are denied medical care because we have no insurance, "we have a pre-existing condition", and Karla happens to be fat and smokes (HER choice, NOT mine).
We are also denied jobs because we use a cane or a crutch for walking; nobody wants to hire the disabled because "we'd be too much of a risk for the company" in case something SHOULD happen and then they'd be held responsible. We are also denied jobs because we happen to be older, like what happened to me at Wal*Mart.
I was denied a job I'd wanted because I was disabled and I was "too young"to be a "greeter"; I had to "be a senior citizen".
I was fired from my job because I wasn't a senior citizen and I was also handicapped. They said "I was 'too slow.'" I ended up being a cashier, and that really rankled me because they KNEW I walked "with assistance" upon being hired; yet they did NOTHING to get me another job I was more capable of doing.
In other words, the manager at the local Wal*Mart up and told a boldfaced lie to me. I was discriminated against in the worst possible way. I was fired for being disabled and for being too young for the job I had originally applied for.
I'll have you know something: being fired absolutely DEVASTATED me.
While I'm on the subject, now it is the senior citizens' turn for an apology from me. I was angry because of the situation described above. Being fired absolutely DESTROYED me. Plus my grandmother WASN'T THE EASIEST PERSON in the world to deal with. She was demanding, she was cantankerous, and she was highly racist. She demanded a lot of my time in her later years; I was the one who took care of her and her needs, even when she wasn't being nice to me (and I'm sorry to say I didn't exactly treat her nice either; I was frustrated a lot of the time, and I often got angry at her)--until she ended up in a nursing home because her needs got to be too overwhelming. Because of these above examples, I tended to lump ALL seniors in a "box" and blamed ALL seniors. If you don't want to accept my apology, I'll understand the reasoning behind your refusals, but I am taking the first step in admitting that I was wrong, and taking the second step in apologizing for my transgressions. So here is my apology to the senior citizens.
Thank you for allowing me to share these thoughts with you. This letter WASN'T EASY AT ALL for me to write, but I now know that this was the best thing I could possibly do in releasing any bad feelings I have been experiencing lately, and for understanding my words and why I wrote them and now realizing that I was wrong in writing the hurtful words I did. This letter will benefit the ones I hurt with my cruel words, and they will understand that I am NOT usually this way. I am a good person, a person who just happens to have problems. Once in a while, these "problems" tend to overwhelm me and I react in an unpredictable and inappropriate way. I DON'T LIKE BEING THIS WAY; it's just how my depression affects me. (I sometimes wonder if I'm crazy...) I wish I could talk to my remaining family members about what I've written down here today, but the truth is I CANNOT.
We are NOT close; the only ones who ARE are my twin sister and myself. (We CAN talk to one another; we act the same way at times; she has her depressive moods, and I have mine; we can usually understand where each other is coming from MOST of the time because our moods are so similar.)
In the meantime, please keep me in your thoughts and especially in your prayers. God knows WE BOTH can use them!!!!!
Thank you all! God bless each and every one of you, and again, PLEASE forgive me of my nastiness yesterday!!!!!