My daughter asked me a question one day about how I can help and heal others when I am not completely there and to that I answered....
How long does it take to 'get it right?' you asked me.
Well, that brought me to wanting to share with you a bit more about who I have discovered I am and where I came from, as I have only discovered missing pieces lately of myself. Part of my journey is NOT KNOWING most of my childhood and wondering if I needed to bring this forth or accept it was NOT SO GREAT and get on with living.
We all have stories and we learn from the tools we are given as children and adults. When you were growing up all I knew was that I never wanted you to feel the UNLOVE that I felt, and I tried very hard in some ways to love you enough for two parents and hug and kiss you all the time. I told you every day how much I loved you and how beautiful you are... but in other areas of relationships I did what I thought was right which was not the best that I could do but it was all I had.
It has only been lately that I learned that you cannot hold on to blame and hate and what if's, because they weigh you down and prevent you from loving yourself enough to grow and expand.
For years I was holding on to, and am still working on releasing; a tremendous amount of pain, hurt and anger. I now know that the bulk of my weight (body) is used in comforting myself from the fear of letting someone close enough to hurt me again. In realizing this the weight is starting to finally shift, but it is a process. Not knowing what pain and hurt I was dealing with and the extend of that pain, I now believe has held me back.
I wanted to keep this away from you because I wanted you to experience your Grandma and Grandpa through YOUR eyes, not mine. I was not allowed to get close to my grand parents, nieces and nephews and never learned the power of relationships in family. We were raised in alienation from most of the living world around us and that, I NOW KNOW; was because mom didn't want the world to know what living HELL we were going through. It was all she knew how to do to keep her sanity, and I forgive her and love her for that now. Again, these were the tools she had to work with and she is not to blame.
Who knows why my dad was the way he was and the pain he endured as a child to bring him to his oblivion, pulling away from his family, getting Alzheimer's. He is at peace now and I was very happy when he transitioned as I knew that all he really wanted was some peace and to know his family and now he does, even though he is not visible to us, he is here with us and loving us in ways he was unable to do on this earth.
I always saw my dad in good eyes and blocked out the pain he caused my mom because I had to have something to hold on to that was OK. I blamed mom for his pain and now realize that both of them loved each other the best they could, and enough at times to establish some good values in us as their children, but both came with heavy baggage from their life before me.
I have learned that my mom re-enforced most of my childhood, that I was not worthy. I was clumsy, dumb and would never amount to anything because all I ever did was daydream and live in the clouds. Why couldn't I get math. She had to hire a tutor to teach me and even then I didn't learn. Was it because she had convinced me already that it was impossible for me to be anything but stupid? She told me how if I only.....I could be ...... on a daily basis and denied me any friendships outside the religion, of which I had none. She was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me for 17 years until I ran away to Quebec and even for years afterward, would have the ability to throw me backwards when she called me and told me again how sad she was that my life was so bad, I could not find the right man, the right job, etc., etc.
When I married, she said he was an idiot and couldn't I do any better? She didn't even want to come to the wedding. When I came home from staying with my sister and had gained weight she cried for hours and said to me what happened you were such a pretty little girl and then.....
The physical abuse was severe at times and although I have blocked most of it out, the damage was also severe.
I am sure there are many, many stories but it is not about the stories as much as it is about my finally being aware of it and moving forward to forgiveness and letting go. Remembering, that we all come into this world for a reason. We are all special and perfect and successful in our own way. People we love come from different places, with different tools in their tool box and that comes from where they come from. so no one is to blame for where we find ourselves and all that we can hope to do is start collecting the right tools to move us forward and love ourselves enough or a little more each day to become our whole loving being and in doing so thereby help others to discover their greatness.
That is all that I aspire to do in this life now.
To take ourselves from loathing ourselves to loving ourselves, is a very long process of changing our frequency, and all we can do is start by telling ourselves that "I hope I can" and move towards "I can love all of myself, but for today I will love this about ME. I will love myself today for becoming the best that I can be and know that one day very soon, I will love myself totally, unconditionally and release all that weakens me. (thank you Louise Hay)
That is how I get through each day of discovering more about my past and learning to let it go without beating myself up for the failures as I perceive them to be, and KNOW that I am here to help myself, my family, and as many other people that cross my path, and that in my passion for learning and growing, it shall come about.
I am proud of my discovery over the past few years as it has taken me a lifetime to get here and as they say, "better late than never" If I wait till I am 'perfect' and have all my t's crossed, think of how many others that have suffered in the same or similar way I could have helped a little bit...
I am a beautiful woman exactly as I am and each day I get better and better. I am a teacher, a messenger, that Just For Today I will do the best I can and in doing so if I have helped even one other person in my path......life is good!
I love you my beautiful child so deeply and profoundly it is amazing. I am very proud of who you are and have become as a women of strength, and now a mother with the love I felt for you coming forth into the love of your son. You are exactly the kind of mother any child would wish to be born to.
Honour has chosen wisely, and perhaps that is why you gave him that name. As I hold him in my arms I feel the love he has and he will be a great force in this world as he grows.
Thank you for choosing me as your mother, Mom