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Sue Hess

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The Art of Pleasing Women
by Sue Hess   

Last edited: Tuesday, May 21, 2002
Posted: Tuesday, May 21, 2002

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I have to admit, men try so hard at times to understand us, to please us and even though they also try to do it without giving up their beer night, they sometimes try to make us happy. Its a shame they don't have a clue, isn't it ladies? So here is a few pointers that may help on the road to understanding the women.

Its amazing how they donít understand us, isnít it ladies? It is all so simple; I have never been able to figure out how men consistently miss the whole thing when all the while they seem to be trying so hard to get it.

Okay, maybe I can explain it all and solve this problem once and for all! Women are very easy to understand, gentlemen, we want it all, we want it now and we usually donít like it and want to change it as soon as we get it. We want a man who will die for us, who will open doors for us, who will be there for us, fulfilling our every desire and if you donít mind, weíd like for you to do that without being a doormat. Because make no mistake, we will walk on you if you lie down and allow it to happen. So I guess we really donít want a man who will fawn over us, after all.

So that means we want a strong man who will not be used, who refuses to be manipulated, who lives his own life the way he wants to live it, right? In your dreams! And maybe in ours too, but if we find one, it will immediately become a womanís goal in life to break him, to make him knuckle under, to whip him into shape.

Strong men are out, then. We want a man who can cry with us, who is in touch with his feminine side, who wants to see Steel Magnolias again on Saturday night. But not in our bed, Iím afraid. Thatís why gay men make wonderful best friendsÖthey have all those qualities and you still donít mind when they see your make-up run. Right! We really donít want a weak man either.

We want an affectionate, passionate man who sweeps us off our feet and into bed at odd moments and with amazing regularity and unbelievable stamina. Of course we do, and you know we will never complain that all he wants is sex, will never say that sex while dinner is cooking is not what we had in mind and Ďwould you please quit poking me in the back with that thing, Iím trying to sleepí will never pass our lips. Sure, fellows, and if you believe that, I have another one for you. We say we want spontaneous sex in oddball places but try to make love in the guest bedroom at her motherís house and see what happens. All of this usually comes out after the wedding license, I might add. We may be inconsistent, but we are not stupid!

Ahh, I forgot the romantic man, the one we are all looking for. The one who always brings a dozen roses on our birthday and sends poetic cards on every occasion. When we find him however, it becomes immediately obvious that roses are an easy buy rather than taking the time to pick a gift and if he is sending cards, he is obviously not there for the special occasion and is probably doing something he feels guilty about. Add that to the fact that he is a terrible spendthrift to pay the price that a dozen roses cost these days so he is probably not husband material.

Which brings us to the point of this whole thingÖwhat do women want? We want it all, we want it now and we want it our way. We want to be boss without you being a weakling, we want sex appeal of Brad Pitt but only when we are in the mood, and please donít mistake our signals; we want Donald Trumpís bank account as long as you donít have to work long hours to get it; we want the faithfulness of our Labrador without you sniffing every crotch you see; and the creativeness of Spielberg without you interrupting our routine any more than necessary. Is that too much to ask?

So donít say that women are impossible and can never be pleased. It just isnít so, just keep these little needs of ours foremost in your mind at all times and we should all get along wonderfully.

Reader Reviews for "The Art of Pleasing Women"

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Reviewed by D. Wayne Dworsky 10/18/2007
I have to admit, you have said it well.

Reviewed by m j hollingshead 3/22/2007
well said
Reviewed by x x (Reader) 2/27/2007
I've never pleased a lady Sue, I guess I'll just have to try again and again and again and... Very much enjoyed!:-)
Reviewed by Malcolm Watts (Reader) 8/5/2005
Hi Sue. I love your article - insightful yet also funny in places. In all seriousness, I think many men are confused about how to please women and finding that balance of strength and caring can be difficult. Malcolm
Reviewed by Debra Conklin 2/26/2004
I want the guy in the Stetson cologne commercials, but I'd like for him not to a bull rider. I think a mustache would look great. I'd rather he jump my bones, instead of me jumping him and oh yeh, I'd rather he use Old Spice cologne instead of Stetson. Yeh, that same exact guy with just a few changes. ;-)
Reviewed by nevine Al Seidi (Reader) 6/19/2003
Sue, this is very good and true.. but you still need to elaborate more on what sex, what makes us tick, and what makes us call it quits.
Reviewed by Matthew Wright 6/26/2002
Reviewed by Fritz Barnes 6/25/2002
Who doesn't have a clue? I figured all of this out long ago!

Great job admitting to it--uh, I mean writing about it, Sue!
Reviewed by Alain Gracio 6/7/2002
hey don't forget the wet spot!
Reviewed by Scada (Reader) 6/3/2002
Oh dear, this is just like that conversation we were having. I'm glad to see it's not just me, and no one else really gets what she wants either... except of course for Janet, lol. I love this and I love Ed's comment.

Reviewed by Ed Lupinacci 6/3/2002
Ok so lets see you want a psychopath with multiple personalities.
No she doesn't
yes she does
Oh shut up!!!!!
Reviewed by chander keswani (Reader) 5/27/2002
You have let us know very right points.You should be ready & courageous enough to sustain a blind slaught.Keep up your likes & dislikes boldly.....chander keswani
Reviewed by Lori Moore 5/27/2002
Reviewed by Sandi Schraut 5/25/2002
Ah yes, Sue this is the first time I understood what it is I truly wanted lolol... love this write >>>>>>Sandi
Reviewed by xainab dadabhoy (Reader) 5/22/2002
Reviewed by Sandie Angel 5/21/2002
Hhhhhmmmmm.....sounds like the perfect solution, isn't it?

Yeah, how come only we ladies are reading this? Where are all the men? Don't they want to know?

Sandie Angel :o)
Reviewed by Tiana 5/21/2002
I Loved this Sue! I have that man in Mundo! I am so blessed and so fortunate to have him. He keeps me grounded. Sometimes giving me enough rope to hang myself and catches me before it's too late! lol I've met my match! Loved the write, girl!
Reviewed by Janet 5/21/2002
I'll let ya know, NOT! hee hee, though he'd probably love it. Every man's dream, I mean both of us. ;)

Love, Janet xoxoxoxo
Reviewed by Sue Hess 5/21/2002
the hell with brad, janet, if you let him get away, i want alan!!! i don't suppose you want to share do you?
Reviewed by Janet Caldwell 5/21/2002
Amen!!! I must confess, If I had a combo man with Alan's understanding, love-making skills, intelligence, tenderness, and that wonderful sense of friendship AND Steve's bank acct., my world would be perfect. LOL PS. I didn't say that. ;)

Love, Janet xoxoxoxo

PSS. He's loyal as anyone that I've ever seen, never leaves me 'out' puts me first and is no damn doormat. He can certainly tell me no and mean it. Ahhh, a bit of domination but only a bit. ;)

Yea, gonna keep him. ;)and should he leave me, you and I will find Brad. LOL
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