Its amazing how they don’t understand us, isn’t it ladies? It is all so simple; I have never been able to figure out how men consistently miss the whole thing when all the while they seem to be trying so hard to get it.

Okay, maybe I can explain it all and solve this problem once and for all! Women are very easy to understand, gentlemen, we want it all, we want it now and we usually don’t like it and want to change it as soon as we get it. We want a man who will die for us, who will open doors for us, who will be there for us, fulfilling our every desire and if you don’t mind, we’d like for you to do that without being a doormat. Because make no mistake, we will walk on you if you lie down and allow it to happen. So I guess we really don’t want a man who will fawn over us, after all.

So that means we want a strong man who will not be used, who refuses to be manipulated, who lives his own life the way he wants to live it, right? In your dreams! And maybe in ours too, but if we find one, it will immediately become a woman’s goal in life to break him, to make him knuckle under, to whip him into shape.

Strong men are out, then. We want a man who can cry with us, who is in touch with his feminine side, who wants to see Steel Magnolias again on Saturday night. But not in our bed, I’m afraid. That’s why gay men make wonderful best friends…they have all those qualities and you still don’t mind when they see your make-up run. Right! We really don’t want a weak man either.

We want an affectionate, passionate man who sweeps us off our feet and into bed at odd moments and with amazing regularity and unbelievable stamina. Of course we do, and you know we will never complain that all he wants is sex, will never say that sex while dinner is cooking is not what we had in mind and ‘would you please quit poking me in the back with that thing, I’m trying to sleep’ will never pass our lips. Sure, fellows, and if you believe that, I have another one for you. We say we want spontaneous sex in oddball places but try to make love in the guest bedroom at her mother’s house and see what happens. All of this usually comes out after the wedding license, I might add. We may be inconsistent, but we are not stupid!

Ahh, I forgot the romantic man, the one we are all looking for. The one who always brings a dozen roses on our birthday and sends poetic cards on every occasion. When we find him however, it becomes immediately obvious that roses are an easy buy rather than taking the time to pick a gift and if he is sending cards, he is obviously not there for the special occasion and is probably doing something he feels guilty about. Add that to the fact that he is a terrible spendthrift to pay the price that a dozen roses cost these days so he is probably not husband material.




Which brings us to the point of this whole thing…what do women want? We want it all, we want it now and we want it our way. We want to be boss without you being a weakling, we want sex appeal of Brad Pitt but only when we are in the mood, and please don’t mistake our signals; we want Donald Trump’s bank account as long as you don’t have to work long hours to get it; we want the faithfulness of our Labrador without you sniffing every crotch you see; and the creativeness of Spielberg without you interrupting our routine any more than necessary. Is that too much to ask?

So don’t say that women are impossible and can never be pleased. It just isn’t so, just keep these little needs of ours foremost in your mind at all times and we should all get along wonderfully.