The insidious manufacturers of automobiles have finally hit the pinnacle with safety devices. If the overpriced chariots of today are designed for idiots they have evidently identified their market.

   In the interest of safety we now have, even on the most mundane vehicles, automatically canceling turn signals, automatic headlights, automatic stop lights, automated braking systems and a myriad of other devices designed to compensate for our lack of driving ability or education.

   Who needs those flashing lights on a stick? If you want to change lanes you only need to pay attention. There will probably be an opening you can dart into without involving the other drivers. After all, they need all their wits about them to drive and dial the phone, apply makeup, shave or comb their hair, and still get to work on time. Or, if you're the more cautious type, just move over very slowly, giving other drivers plenty of time to make room for you in their lane. Of course if someone does this to you, just honk the horn politely, strictly in the spirit of education.

   Another often-misused feature is the stoplights. Taping your brake pedal more than once can draw the attention of the drivers behind you, which again, can be a distraction. Remember, distractions are dangerous. And speaking of brakes; if you have those new ABS things, there is no need to start slowing down so soon. This slows traffic, creating a dangerous situation. With ABS you can stop very quickly with no skidding or loss of control. Anyway, if someone hits you from behind it is generally considered to be his or her fault.

   We all know about the three-second rule; that is, keeping that interval between you and the car ahead of you. By driving just three feet behind that car you can greatly enhance your fuel mileage.

Why should you be the one breaking wind?

Copyright © 2004 by Henry Custer. All rights reserved.