If you're like me, you can use a few laughs right now. Hope this tickles your fancy. If so, alert the media.
Cuss, as in Snort
May I ask you a personal question?
Do you cuss?
I am not talking about cursing or swearing. I mean old-fashioned, let-your-hair-down-stomp-on-the-ground-and-flare-your-nostrils-like-a-bull-on-steroids. Good enough for our forebears, good enough for me.
Pretty sure it was the grammar police who are responsible for the demise of cuss. You know, those .&*^#%!+*%#*!. – er, I mean sons-a-guns – who have us pretending that we can wrap our mouths around, “Were I to do that” and “With whom would you like to speak?”
‘nough t’make a person cuss.
Problem is, not everybody appreciates a dirty mouth. Even I have my limits. For instance – .&*^#%!+*%#*!. Excuse me, but this .&*^#%*!g key keeps
There, that’s better.
“Potty mouth,” people have taken to calling it. Me, I never warmed to the expression. Seems juvenile. Cussin’ is – or should be – an adult sport.
Only it isn’t a sport. It’s a safety valve. Like, if you couldn’t spout off, you might haul off and deck your poor dog this side of Christmas.
Small cats who have been declawed are perfect, I find.
.&*^#%!+*%#*!. I went and told on myself.
Before you call the ASPCA, please know I am joking. I am too much of a .&*^#%!+* coward to smack anyone. If they are big, forget it. I have seen too many boxing movies not to know what it would do to my knuckles. Shape I’m in, probably come away with a broken arm.
I mean, I have watched Westerns. One little tap on some whiskery coot’s chin and you are flying off a balcony onto a table where three very large, very angry-looking men are drinking very strong liquor from very large tankards when they aren’t polishing their very, very, very large guns.
I have wanted to use adverbs for such a long time. Hope you don’t have Editor Anal Nitpick on speed dial (after ASPCA?).
Actually, I would like to clean up my language. Not to the point where I sound like a .&*^#%!+g Sunday school teacher or like I’m in the middle of a .&*^#%!g interview for a job that there are like 5,000 other .&*^#%!+*ing applicants waiting in line to interview for. (Catch the ballsy preposition-hanging-off-the-end?] Just, you know, spruce up a bit.
Mother and one of my grandmothers kept Lava soap handy for such occasions. You know, that .&*^#-brown bar that was smooth as heavy-grade sandpaper and tasted worse. Like “number two?”: God, I am old.
Trouble with most cuss words is, they get more wear than a prayer mat the day after an Elks’ convention. Take the F word.
Hollywood has some very talented writers. Sometimes they even get work. Unfortunately, the Money Men prefer monkeys with typewriters. (Why is it always Men?} Monkeys love to type the F word. It doesn’t require any awkward and tiresome stretches to letters such as. . .wait a sec--.&*^#%!# %! - Q or - excuse me again – &*^#%! *g B. And it can mean many different things.
Same with dude, only it’s easier to get anger and frustration across with the F-word.
“Doooooood” not only sounds playful, it implies confirmation. “Dude?” implies puzzlement, or in certain cases, fear. “DoooooOOOD!” clearly signifies Way t’GO. I have heard stand-up comedians come up with a surprising number of variations. But the F-word says it all.
Or so monkeys with typewriters think.
Someone give me a word for think that doesn’t mean think.
Need to get to the point, you say?
You mean there is one?
.&*^#%!+*%#*!. I forg–. . .oh, yeah.
In my very considered and very, very erudite and very, very, VERY important opinion, we need to bring back some of the slam-bang-ring-a-dingers our aforesaid forefathers used.
Here is a short list for your consideration:
Your mother’s uncle [Scratch that. It is $*%$! embarrassing.]
Law’s-s-mercy [mild to the point of milquetoast, but has its place]
Shit in yer hat [slipped. . .SORRY]
Holy Toledo [see Your mother’s uncle]
Bah humbug [only to be used between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. Preferably in Philadelphia.]]
SheZAM [see DooooooOOOOD]
Gosh, darn, durn, goldurn, goldurnit, h-e-double-toothpicks, shucks, etc.
You are a: lizard, creep, roue, satyr, nympho, person of low character, lowlife, turkey, buzzard, turkey-buzzard, swizzlestick, wimp, loop-de-loo, loon, wingnut, melon head, weirdo, politician, sore head, knot head, lawyer, stick-in-the-mud, horse’s neck, horse’s patoo, yesterday’s news, stinker, pain-in-the-(neck), flimflam artist, meal-mouth, menace, apple-polisher, yes-man/woman, worm on a hot rock, nit on a gnat’s (gonad), pencil pusher, snake-in-the-grass, viper, asp, private body part, public body part, freeloader, souse, teetotaler, egghead, dunce, fancy-pants, bum, ne’er-do-well, hoity-toit, tattle-tale, rat, rat-fink, dawg, cheapskate, skinflint, spendthrift, wastrel, arty type, poet.. [Complete list for $99.95 plus $109.95 postage and handling.]
Supercalifragicali–. . .whatever the rest of the dang thing is.
Baloney OR hogwash. Don’t push it.
Swell, goodie, right-e-o, and words of that ilk [may be accused of being a sissy – prob’ly are, but that is a fish of another kettle.
Jiminy Crickets [ditto]
H E L P [where did that come from?]
Lots more from which to choose, as the grammar police say I have to say.
How do you spell raspberry? Tempted to tell them to shit in their. . .whoa. Ain’ talkin’ ‘at way no more.
“Go away” doesn’t have much of a ring.
©) peajay /ln Phyllis Jean Green, September, 2005
All Rights Reserve “Inquire with– .&*^#%+*%#*. -in.” :)