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Phyllis Jean Green

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· Carrboro Poetica

· Above and Below

· Spinning Straw: the Jeff Apple Story

Short Stories
· Scrawny Kid Clerked at Thrifty

· Euceless Laughs, Y O U Laugh {Capice?}

· This is Your Lucky Day by Euceless Liesalot

· Christmas Fax for da Broads in da Audience

· Flashing

· Owner Will Repair Kitchen Floor {flash humor}

· Courting Able

· Amnesty International Pressing for More Anti-Rape Legislation

· Bullying has no Place in a Democracy

· Calling Dr. Mengele, Calling Dr. Mengele

· Show and Tell by Karen Vanderlaan - Review

· Valley of the Shadow by Sybil Austin Skakle - Review

· Courage in Patience by Beth Fehlbaum -- a Review

· Heart Attack Symptoms Differ for Men and Women -- Read and Share!

· If you Have Been Kidnapped or Abducted --A Letter from Someone who Cares

· RICO for Kids - Help Missing Children, U.S.A.

· Reason to Celebrate! {re O N E's impact re suffering in Africa}

· Listen to Your Muse, Then get up an' do Your Thing

· Poem an Inside Job

· Vicks, Flannel, and Great Expectations?

· Rumor January 19, two Thousand Thirteen

· Snow Night with Bird

· Gunned Down

· Shape Shifter

· Fought Tooth and Nail, I Know You {for Ellie}

· Night-Light

· We are Here to Tell You

         More poetry...
· Featured in Creative Thinkers International!

· Second Appearance in Leann Marshall's Sketch Notes

· New Appearance in The Yarn Spinner

· Bullying has no Place in a Democracy Featured at Creative Thinkers Intnl

· Poem to Appear in Sketchbook

· Poems to Appear in Sensations' 21st Century Issue

· In Richard Lee King's The Price of Freedom

Phyllis Jean Green, click here to update your web pages on AuthorsDen.

If you're like me, you can use a few laughs right now. Hope this tickles your fancy. If so, alert the media.
'Pea':)<3 :)

                                              Cuss, as in Snort
             May I ask you a personal question?   
             Do you cuss?
              I am not talking about cursing or swearing.  I mean old-fashioned, let-your-hair-down-stomp-on-the-ground-and-flare-your-nostrils-like-a-bull-on-steroids.     Good enough for our forebears,  good enough for me.
              Pretty sure it was the grammar police who are responsible for the demise of cuss.  You know, those .&*^#%!+*%#*!. – er, I mean sons-a-guns –  who have us pretending that we can wrap our mouths around, “Were I to do that” and “With whom would you like to speak?”
              ‘nough t’make a person cuss.
              Problem is, not everybody appreciates a dirty mouth.  Even I have my limits.  For instance – .&*^#%!+*%#*!.  Excuse me, but this   .&*^#%*!g   key keeps
.&*^#%!+*g sticking.
               There, that’s better.
              “Potty mouth,” people have taken to calling it.   Me, I never warmed to the expression.  Seems juvenile.   Cussin’ is – or should be – an adult sport.
              Only it isn’t a sport.    It’s a safety valve.  Like, if you couldn’t spout off, you might haul off and deck your poor dog this side of Christmas.  
              Small cats who have been declawed are perfect, I find.
              .&*^#%!+*%#*!.   I went and told on myself.  
              Before you call the ASPCA, please know I am joking.  I am too much of a .&*^#%!+* coward to smack anyone.   If they are big, forget it.  I have seen too many boxing movies not to know what it would do to my knuckles.  Shape I’m in, probably come away with a broken arm.
             Broken everything.  
             I mean, I have watched Westerns.  One little tap on some whiskery coot’s chin and you are flying off a balcony onto a table where three very large, very angry-looking men are drinking very strong liquor from very large tankards when they aren’t polishing their very, very, very large guns.
            I have wanted to use adverbs for such a long time.    Hope you don’t have Editor Anal Nitpick on  speed dial   (after ASPCA?).
            Actually, I would like to clean up my language.  Not to the point where I sound like a .&*^#%!+g Sunday school teacher or like I’m in the middle of a .&*^#%!g  interview for a job that there are like 5,000 other .&*^#%!+*ing applicants waiting in line to interview for. (Catch the ballsy preposition-hanging-off-the-end?]   Just, you know, spruce up a bit.
           Mother and one of my grandmothers kept Lava soap handy for such occasions.  You know, that .&*^#-brown bar that was smooth as heavy-grade sandpaper and tasted worse.  Like “number two?”:  God, I am old.
           Trouble with most cuss words is, they get more wear than a prayer mat the day after an Elks’ convention.    Take the F word.   
           Hollywood has some very talented writers.  Sometimes they even get work.  Unfortunately, the Money Men  prefer monkeys with typewriters. (Why is it always Men?}   Monkeys love to type the F word.  It doesn’t require  any awkward and tiresome stretches to letters such as. . .wait a sec--.&*^#%!# %! - Q  or - excuse me again – &*^#%! *g   B.  And it can mean many different things.
            Same with dude, only it’s easier to get anger and frustration across with the F-word.
            “Doooooood” not only sounds playful, it implies confirmation.  “Dude?” implies puzzlement, or in certain cases, fear.   “DoooooOOOD!”  clearly signifies Way t’GO.   I have heard stand-up comedians  come up with a surprising number of variations.  But the F-word says it all.
            Or so monkeys with typewriters think.
            Someone give me a word for think that doesn’t mean think.
            Need to get to the point, you say?
            You mean there is one?
            .&*^#%!+*%#*!.  I forg–. . .oh, yeah.
            In my very considered and very, very erudite and very, very, VERY  important opinion, we need to bring back some of the slam-bang-ring-a-dingers our aforesaid forefathers used.
            Here is a short list for your consideration:
            Shufferin’ shuccotash
            Jumpin’ Jehosophat
            Your mother’s uncle   [Scratch that.  It is $*%$! embarrassing.]       
             Law’s-s-mercy  [mild to the point of milquetoast, but has its       place]
            Shit in yer hat   [slipped. . .SORRY]
            Holy Toledo    [see Your mother’s uncle]
            Bah humbug     [only to be used between Thanksgiving and      New Year’s.    Preferably in Philadelphia.]]
            SheZAM     [see DooooooOOOOD]     
            Gosh, darn, durn, goldurn, goldurnit, h-e-double-toothpicks, shucks, etc.
            You are a: lizard, creep, roue, satyr, nympho, person of low character, lowlife,  turkey, buzzard, turkey-buzzard, swizzlestick, wimp, loop-de-loo, loon,  wingnut, melon head, weirdo, politician, sore head, knot head, lawyer,  stick-in-the-mud, horse’s neck, horse’s patoo, yesterday’s news, stinker,  pain-in-the-(neck), flimflam artist, meal-mouth, menace, apple-polisher, yes-man/woman, worm on a hot rock, nit on a gnat’s (gonad), pencil pusher, snake-in-the-grass, viper, asp, private body part, public body part, freeloader, souse, teetotaler,  egghead, dunce, fancy-pants, bum, ne’er-do-well, hoity-toit, tattle-tale,  rat, rat-fink, dawg, cheapskate, skinflint, spendthrift, wastrel, arty type,  poet..   [Complete list for $99.95 plus $109.95 postage and handling.]
            Crimenetly  [crime-in-ET-lee]
            Supercalifragicali–. . .whatever the rest of the dang thing is.
            Baloney OR hogwash.   Don’t push it.
            Holy Katzenjammer
            Swell, goodie, right-e-o, and words of that ilk [may be accused of being  a sissy – prob’ly are, but that is a fish of another kettle.           
             Jiminy Crickets       [ditto]
             H E L P      [where did that come from?]
            Lots more from which to choose, as the grammar police say I have to say.
            How do you spell raspberry?   Tempted to tell them to shit in their. . .whoa.   Ain’ talkin’ ‘at way no more.
           “Go away” doesn’t have much of a ring.
©) peajay   /ln Phyllis Jean Green, September, 2005
All Rights Reserve   “Inquire with– .&*^#%+*%#*. -in.” :)

Web Site The Moonwort Review

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Reviewed by Cles Wilson 10/12/2005
Well hush my many ways can you cuss? A gem of a write.
Reviewed by Ch'erie de Perrot 9/28/2005
This was a bonafide ripsnorter mate!

Cussing, yeeehaaaw, the garden shed is the only place your'e safe doin it.

Reviewed by m j hollingshead 9/27/2005
Reviewed by Carmen Ruggero 9/26/2005
You must forgive me for being so*%#.& late but then last night I couldn't *&56&# sleep and turned on my *&.#% PC and started reading this(&$.& here thing and now my *&%^ sides hurt from *#.% laughing! Loved it!

Carmen :-)
Reviewed by Carole Mathys 9/25/2005
What an absolute hoot, took me back ....

peace and love, Carole
Reviewed by Felix Perry 9/25/2005
lol got mt to smiling butnot a cussing lol
Reviewed by Debra Conklin 9/25/2005
Criminy, jeez, biawtch are some of my favorites.
Reviewed by Jerry Bolton (Reader) 9/25/2005

Reviewed by Tinka Boukes 9/25/2005
This was fucking good....thanks for sharing this Snorty posting!!

Love Tinka
Reviewed by Tami Ryan 9/24/2005
I love this, Pea! Only you could write this and make me laugh me-self silly. Thanks.

Hugs to ya,

Books by
Phyllis Jean Green

Carrboro Poetica

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Signed copy!

Above and Below

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Signed copy!

Spinning Straw: the Jeff Apple Story

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Signed copy!

Humor Articles
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  2. A Chuckle For You
  3. Merry Atheistmas
  4. 2014 and 2015
  5. They Were warned!!
  6. A Penny For My Thoughts?
  7. Stuff I Just Don’t Get On Facebook
  8. J. Carson as R. Reagan
  9. International Talk Like William Shatner Da
  10. Lost C. Burnett Skit
  11. Consequences
  12. The Entry
  13. The 2000 Year Old Man
  14. Impromptu: Very Funny
  16. FIRE IN THE HOLE Molly's Reviews
  17. Calling Dr. Mengele, Calling Dr. Mengele
  18. Psychology of Panties
  19. Marinating on my TV
  20. New Cleaner for Kason

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