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Open letter to the mother 'afraid of children who are not punished.'
By Phyllis Jean Green
Last edited: Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Posted: Tuesday, January 03, 2006



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Phyllis Jean Green

• Amnesty International Pressing for More Anti-Rape Legislation
• Bullying has no Place in a Democracy
• Calling Dr. Mengele, Calling Dr. Mengele
• Show and Tell by Karen Vanderlaan - Review
• Valley of the Shadow by Sybil Austin Skakle - Review
• Courage in Patience by Beth Fehlbaum -- a Review
• Heart Attack Symptoms Differ for Men and Women -- Read and Share!
           >> View all 23
Marcia Duning has published this at Angels That Care. If you find it worthwhile, I would appreciate it if you would spread the word. Not just about this piece, but about the great work that ATC has been doing. Invaluable forum it provides! Have a great new year. . .let's hope and pray that it is better for a lot of children across the world. Wouldn't it be wonderful if all children were cherished and respected? We owe it to them to help bring about the day when it is true. They are our most precious resource! ~~~ Your friend, Pea XOX


Open letter to the mother"afraid of children who are not punished."    

 

        The  children who present a danger are children who are being taught that love and punishment go  together.   In other words, it is good to be violent.    People who "love" you  h u r t  you.   It is "for your own  good."   You are bad.   Knocking you about teaches you a  lesson.  If it doesn't, you'll get worse.  The lesson you are learning is that it is no good trying to be good.   If you  want attention, you do wrong.    Got their attention now!    The beatings you get hurt, it hurts more to be ignored.  Big Lesson:    it is good to hurt those you love.  More than  that, it is your duty.   And if it's all right to hurt people you love, it is more than all right to hurt others.   All you  really want is for your parents (or whoever's in charge) to love you.   You want to love them.  Your life depends on it!   The only answer you can see is to act out.  Get punished, act out, get punished, like that.  When you grow up, you will be able to do the punishing.  Not only will you hurt your children,  you will find ways to hurt others.  Maybe you will  chain somebody up and make "love" to them with a whip.  Maybe you will become a stalker.  Maybe you will take things that
 belong to others.  May even get carried away and kill  someone.  You will probably be punished.  That is good.

 FACT:  Punishment doesn't discourage bad behavior.  It  e n c o u r a g e s  it.   Maybe the person being punished waits awhile before acting up again.  Maybe he or she will learn to do it in secret.   Very, very lucky children find someone who cares enough to help them find the good in themselves, and act on that. Those who are not so lucky take up a lifestyle that is based  on an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.  Look for someone smaller and weaker and take their  turn.    Study after study proves that punishment in the home creates a vicious circle.  A kind of "Catch-22."   Go on and hit.  Punch, kick, whip.  Scream, curse, call names.   It is  easy.   It is what a leader does.    Can't cure 'em, lock 'em  up or give 'em the gas.  Only what they deserve.    

        As you know, violence is increasing in countries all around the world.   It is not coming from children or adults who  were raised by parents who instilled discipline by  setting reasonable limits and enforcing them by non-violent means such as time-out and withholding privileges. It is not coming from people whose caregivers work to be consistent and spend quality time with them.   It is not coming from people whose parents provided step-by-step instruction to help them learn
 skills that observation shows they are ready to learn [or see that others do so}.   It is rare that it comes from people who received praise for showing improvement as they were growing up.   It is extremely rare that it comes from people who genuinely like themselves because they were shown love and appreciation as they were growing up.   It comes from people who, whether they know it or not, feel bad about themselves and helpless to
 change.   It comes from people whose parents did not take time to educate themselves about child development, learning readiness and ways to effectively manage behavior.  It comes from people who were given the idea that love means causing   p a i n.

        Simple equation: "I was hit, therefore I hit."    For hit, substitute hurt.    

        Children are not small adults. They learn by e x a m p l e.    It does no good to say, "Do what I say, not what I do." Being a parent is a challenge. It takes enormous amounts of  time and effort.  Research and careful and regular observation are musts.    Babies have to be self-centered and grasping. It is that, or die.  But somewhere between the age of 2 and 3,  the happy, secure child begins to want to help and share.   Children are very sensitive.  Only harsh treatment -- especially at home -- turns them bitter.    Bitter people hurt.   Hurt turns inward, suicide results [fast or slow, as is the case with alcoholism and other addictions.].  When it turns outward, we are all in trouble.

         If you were hurt as a child, and you have not had counseling - - whether formal or informal --, you are likely to be filled with bitterness and a desire to punish others as you were punished.   It will be hard not to hurt your children.  It will be hard not to want to lash out in other ways.  It will be hard not to project bad feelings onto others. Especially your children. Help is available. Reach out before it is too late.
                                                               
                               Phyllis Jean D. Green, M.Ed.  

 National Association for the Education of Young Children  {position on violence as related to children}    http://www.naeyc.org/about/positions/PSVIOL98.asp

 Regional Consultation on Violence Against Children
 opens with call for ban on corporal punishment"   
 http://www.unicef.org/media/media_27368.html

 Family Violence   http://www.dvinstitute.org/Family.htm

The mother's strong affectionate attachment to her
 child is the child's best buffer against a life of crime."    
 http://www.heritage.org/Research/Crime/BG1026.cfm

 Addition links available upon request.    Here is a better, safer year in 2006 one in which we all begin to work together to encourage peaceful resolutions to our problems, and by so doing, help to save valuable resources so they can be used to reduce problems such as poverty, physical, mental, and emotional disease,  violent crime, and the family disintegration that
 is often both effect and cause.

 http://www.angelsthatcare.org
 http://www.authorsden.com/phyllisjeangreen

N:  The above article may be re-published without special permission as long as it appears i n  i t s  e n t i r e t y. Any other use is a violation of copyright, with all the
consequences that such violation implies.  Should you desire to publish only select portions,  contact the author via the Author's Den message board or write in care of
Angels That Care.  Thank you.    Peace!

">http://www.naeyc.org/about/positions/PSVIOL98.asp href="http://www.naeyc.org/about/positions/PSVIOL98.asp" target=_blank>http://www.naeyc.org/about/positions/PSVIOL98.asp

 Regional Consultation on Violence Against Children
 opens with call for ban on corporal punishment"   
 http://www.unicef.org/media/media_27368.html

 Family Violence   http://www.dvinstitute.org/Family.htm

The mother's strong affectionate attachment to her
 child is the child's best buffer against a life of crime."    
 http://www.heritage.org/Research/Crime/BG1026.cfm

 Addition links available upon request.    Here is a better, safer year in 2006 one in which we all begin to work together to encourage peaceful resolutions to our problems, and by so doing, help to save valuable resources so they can be used to reduce problems such as poverty, physical, mental, and emotional disease,  violent crime, and the family disintegration that
 is often both effect and cause.

 http://www.angelsthatcare.org
 http://www.authorsden.com/phyllisjeangreen

N:  The above article may be re-published without special permission as long as it appears i n  i t s  e n t i r e t y. Any other use is a violation of copyright, with all the
consequences that such violation implies.  Should you desire to publish only select portions,  contact the author via the Author's Den message board or write in care of
Angels That Care.  Thank you.    Peace!


 

 

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Reviewed by Debra Conklin 12/3/2006
Phyllis, thank you for this. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I heard, "It's for your own good." I like to think I learned from my time in the hell (the place that I called home) and have never said those words to either of my children. Hurting is never good!

Debbie
Reviewed by Carmen Ruggero 1/3/2006
Great article and I couldn't agree with you more! I come from a family who believed in hitting. I am living proof that it doesn't help and hurts into adulthood. I've always had troubled relationships. And in more ways than one continue to punish myself; it seems that in the midst of something brilliant, my brain does a turnabout and I end up doing something stupid. I applaud this article. Good on you, Phillis, good on you!!!

Carmen
Reviewed by Betty Torain 1/3/2006
Thanks, for your article. My former-husband and many of my friends should read it. I only got one spanking in my whole life. And they swear that is what is wrong with me. Our father did-not believe in spankings. Well I'm too old now. My experience with children is if they are respected and given space to grow things work out better.
They know if you like them or not. I wish I could express my self better. Love, Betty



Reviewed by Marcia Duning (Reader) 1/3/2006
Thank you
Reviewed by Birgit and Roger Pratcher 1/3/2006
A great article and indeed well worth beeing passed on. Love is always the answer, and it does not come with hurting. The web site is great. Thank you for sharing.
Birgit and Roger

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