Satire By John W. Lillpop
Are we "verily, verily" in the last days?
Judgment day, Armageddon, and the Apocalypse rolled into one awful day of human agony and misery?
One of the Biblical signs that the last days are nigh is earthquakes and rumors of earthquakes. Other dooms day precursors include famine, increased storm activity, war, and $4 a gallon gasoline!
Earthquakes are now happening with such regularity in Reno, Nevada that some gamblers have actually repented--by moving to Las Vegas! Quakes are also breaking out all over California with scientists now forecasting a near 100% probability of a major shaker in the next 30 years.
The world food shortage, highlighted by problems with rice, has been well documented and sounds like the makings of a full-scale famine.
In terms of storm activity, hurricane Katrina and the scores of tornadoes raving the Midwest and southeast seem to fulfill Bible prophecy concerning weather.
Add to this mix of dreary warnings the global warming crisis, a woman in charge of the U.S. House and another running for the White House, and the ascension of the anti-Christ (Barack Obama) and you have one awful summer staring back at you.
What can one do to ward off the end, for at least one more summer?
Start by barbecuing those luscious steaks inside with all the windows closed. This will cut global warming by 50% by July 5, provided that Al Gore cooperates by grilling his New York steaks inside the servant's quarters instead of on his three acre front lawn!
Better still, big Al, give up meat altogether and switch to Soy burgers. That will really help because PETA types will have no need to drive out to your mansion to protest your heathen lust for dead animal meat; thereby saving all those noxious fumes emitted by vans and Lexus SUVs driven by PETA types.
Next, volunteer to block Nancy Pelosi from being reelected to any office higher than village idiot of San Francisco, a position for which there will be fierce competition from many, many local liberals.
Then work to pass immediate legislation that would mandate that any candidate for the presidency must pass an IQ test which, at a minimum, requires proven ability to comprehend and operate an ordinary coffee machine accessible to the unwashed public.
That will send Hillary back to New York with her haughty law degree flopping in the wind!
Next, vow to never vote for a candidate whose middle name is Hussein and whose "Christian" pastor makes Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sound reasonable and Pro-American by comparison!
With that vow in place, Barack Obama will be free to return to the U.S. Senate in order to misrepresent the great state of Illinois, or to study suicide bombing in Pakistan, whichever he is ordered to do by Jeremiah Wright.
Last, but not least, in order to quell the quakes, storms, and famines and put the anti-Christ out of business for at least a season, vote for Dr. Chuck Baldwin to be the next president of these United States.
Chuck is a Bible scholar, an ordained pastor, and a real conservative who was among the first to know for sure that GW Bush is NOT the anti-Christ.
Dr. Baldwin is familiar enough with Revelations and other scripture to know that the anti-Christ is described as intelligent, cunning, and silver tongued--now, honestly, does that sound like George W. Bush to you?
Visit Baldwin's web site: http://www.chuckbaldwinlive.com/