Flesh and Spirit...
Marriage is a sacred vow, a promise to God, and is not a "promise" to the person you love. When you have come to the realization that your marriage is falling apart and separation is evident, it is important to learn this concept, if indeed, you want to heal your wounds and move forward.
Learning how to make a fresh start, after separation and divorce is not an easy task but is necessary, in order to experience life in healthier and more productive way.
I decided to seek out a support group and program for people who are going through separation and divorce and found a divorce care program, through one of the local churches. This is the first step, in seeking a stronger and viable relationship with God, and in learning the basics of how to deal with the many emotions and real life situations that you are now facing as a "single" individual.
Most people, in general, have a concept of marriage as being a merge of two souls, two minds and two bodies, but how do you severe this merge of flesh? Separation and divorce is a delicate operation. If you use the wrong tools, it can leave severe, permanent scars and recurring, chronic pain. A bad divorce is as serious as a blotched operation.
Using vengeance and rage, as tools, are much like using a chain saw for an appendectomy. You have to learn what tools are best for this job. You need to learn the right vocabulary, study and work ethic to develop the skills and abilities to perform this operation in a successful manner.
By focusing your energies in a program, through a church in your community, you will discover the proper tools and gain knowledge for a successful divorce. By attending divorce care programs you will learn how to be affirmative, positive and productive as a newly, single individual.
One of the first realizations is to acknowledge your marriage was not a contract between two people, but a contract between a man to God and a woman to God, that bound yourselves as one flesh.
Although there are many people that would dare to debate this very concept, we must take into consideration; the word, marriage and its definitions.
Unfortunately, dictionaries do not indicate the sanctity and binds of marriage and "modern society" lacks a true definition and understanding of marriage as a commitment to God, and the word, marriage has been and is debased as a social, godless formality or legality.
Perhaps one reason for this, is how media has bombarded our society with romanticized ”Hollywood" marriages, divorces and divorce settlements and we have placed too many earthy values on our ideas of marriage and divorce.
Many people, in today's society, marry "out of convenience", for financial reasons or even such trivial and meaningless things as, medical insurance. This is not marriage, this is merely a legal contract, which has nothing to do with a spiritual and mindful union between a man and a woman.
I can not imagine how shallow and meaningless my parent's marriage would have been, if my father had my mother sign a pre-nuptial or either one of them hid their savings in private bank accounts. A marriage, according to my parents, is to trust, honor and respect another as much as you do yourself.
We have become a society that is numb to the real and holy nature of love and no longer give marriage the respect and honor of being a sacred union.
Since marriage is an awareness of holiness and is the means that provides us with a sense of commitment, of flesh and spirit in a physical relationship, through God, we must respect and honor its termination, and learn to grow as individuals, with strength. We must relearn how to live with an open heart and mind.
Divorce care programs put you in touch with others, who are experiencing the "tearing of flesh", the excruciating pain of pulling the heart away from the person, whom by marriage, became part of yourself.
Separation and divorce can be compared to a sudden death, in the sense that you experience great loss. Divorce care is a group of people brought to a place, where they can seek out and to come together, with those who are experiencing "the walk of the wounded".
There are many issues, problems and situations that need to be addressed, and can be resolved, by interacting with your peers - men and women, whom are facing the same mind boggling challenges of separation and divorce.
These people like yourself, have come together as a group to learn how to mend their minds, bodies and souls and want to learn again, how walk as one with God.
Although each individual has a different story and a different set of problems they also have different views, experiences and skills which are valuable and complimentary learning tools.
In my first session, with a divorce care group, I learned many people have similar feelings of loss, pain and agony. I learned they were just as weak, emotional and vulnerable, as myself, but through divorce care, they have slowly regained a sense of self worth and learned to not condemn or pressure themselves to "get over it" and move on. They are learning and developing skills that teach them how to deal with “the small stuff” first, and how to reinforce their confidence and skills by complimenting themselves for every small accomplishment.
If you are experiencing separation or divorce, I suggest you contact a similar group, perhaps you should try different groups until you find which one is best suited to your particular needs and comfort. This will put you on the path to spiritual, physical and mindful health.
Deborah Russell, © 2006
Image, Self Portrait, Morph - DRussell, 06