Don't Count on It
edited: Thursday, August 29, 2002
By Bob Pladek
Posted: Thursday, August 29, 2002
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You say you want to get a counter for your website? Here's some advice: DON'T.
Don’t get a counter for your site. Especially don’t get a counter if you’re an addictive type. Or a neurotic one. Or you tap your foot. Or you fall asleep every night watching the first 10 minutes of the same movie. All kinds of bad things happen to you when you get a counter, beginning with this one: you count.
You count when you should be asleep. You count when you should be working. You kid yourself and tell yourself you will sleep, and work, later. But it gets later, and you DON’T work, and you DON’T sleep. You just keep counting……..and the count is never high enough. Maybe if you run Microsoft, or Enron, you’d get high counts. Maybe you get counts that are entirely too high for your liking. But most normal abnormal counters never are happy with their counts, seeing any count as of less account.
I’ve got your basic freebie counter, which for some reason can’t distinguish between my visiting (to count), and other people simply stumbling in. When you go to “detail---and all us closet counters do that about as much as they do the counting---its kinda depressing to see that you’re ahead of “all others” by a substantial margin. You could visit less, but then you wouldn’t know your count. Your current count. As of this second.
You could just get well. OR, you could dramatically increase the number of non-you hits to your site:
1. Make your site worth visiting by more than you;
2. Pay people to visit your site, which is another way of saying REALLY make it worth visiting;
3. Do something sneaky so that people visit it who had no intention of visiting it for what it really is. “Sex” stuff is ok for this. “Free” doesn’t work as well as it used to. “Viagra” is pretty well used-up. You could try “Free Viagra for Sex”---which is about the state of most political protest today, and/or which is mildly redundant. But its not like you care. So long as your counter doesn’t keep track of how LONG people stay, you’re ok.
If you are trying to sell something real besides your own incredible ego, you don’t have this to worry about, because your hits aren’t tran$latable into money. You can hit your site with impunity and impercuniousity both. And if you run a site filled with ads from associate programs, well, you don’t deserve hits, or links, or anything, because you’re boring and desperate and I tried this once and now all I get is a bunch of useless e-spam and offers to increase my penis size which is just fine, thank you or to make my tits bigger and they’re plenty big enough too THANK YOU AGAIN and I don’t know how to stop it and I wanna kill somebody.
Most of us are just trying to bring a little sunshine into millions of lives, especially that one wealthy eccentric with the bad ticker who might prefer you over his worthless nephew. To us, it’s real important to be noticed by more than ourselves. That is, after all, why we set up the site in the first place: the unshakable belief that somebody other than ourselves WANTS to notice us. We KNOW we’re good. We know we’re GOOD. WE know we’re good.
Well, I know I’M good, anyway.
So you’re too poor, or too cheap to pay people to witness your brilliance. You’re not as clever as other people in figuring out how to trick them there. God knows you don’t have a site the merits of which are going to spread word of mouth or word of link, wildfire-like. You’re going to have to do this:
Join a .com/mittee.
You will find these sad groups of people already out there, or you can set up your own sad com/mittee: a webring for people willing to sacrifice what remains of their pride in ritualistic play-acting. What all these sad people do is, first: agree to visit every other .com/mittee member’s site at least once a day, for their pledge to suffer the same agony with your site. This isn’t about quality. They don’t MAKE that kind of counter (lucky for YOU). This is the business of making those numbers spin. But there’s more. At least ONE of the visitors---per Part II of the .com/mittee pledge---must sign your guestbook. And such a glowing entry it is, too. Tailored to your specific psychoses, all as outlined in your .com/mittee profile. You are being rubbed just the right way; stroked precisely up or down, as required. You are the genius you need to be, because some stranger has confirmed it, and done so in a way that you will never really know, never REALLY REALLY know, whether th!
ere my not be a word of truth in any of it.
And that hope, on top of the thousand hits by your strange circle of countmore .com/mittee companions, is enough to get you to sleep.
At least at work.