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Bob Pladek

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I Just Love the Internet, But not Warts
By Bob Pladek   

Last edited: Friday, January 03, 2003
Posted: Friday, January 03, 2003

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My God. Will the madness never end? Hope not. What would there be to write about? I did 900 words, here. And it was EASY.

I don’t know why anything surprises me anymore. With all the crap I’ve read about making money to curing warts naturally, to (naturally) making money curing warts naturally, one would think I’d have about as much ability to marvel about online nonsense as Lot’s wife did to do anything but preserve bacon.

Yet, just this week, in my very own inbox, two items told me that the bottom was nowhere near being reached. I have chosen to quote rather liberally, if not libelely(?), from the self-offending scripts, since I’m incapable of paraphrasing and remaining so (naturally) hilarious. Never think it is NOT a gift to be able to make people laugh, one made all the more valuable by not knowing you HAVE the gift.

Well, here. You tell me:

………..

“Novelty and the Wave Harmonic of History

Jonathan McGregor Bethel & Michael Scott McDaniel

Scanning the Mayan 13 baktun cycle- wave harmonic of history, it
becomes apparent that specific points along the timeline vibrate
with innovation, change, and synchronicity. Terence Mckenna and his
TimeWave Zero has definitively shown the resonant qualities of
specific periods of increased novelty. This ingression of cosmic
ingenuity is speeding up and moving toward the apogee of infinite
complexity, the dawning of the Techno New Jerusalem, or Cyber-Zion.
It cannot be overstated that this novel conscrescence, this omega
point, will transform our species into something completely
unimaginable. With the advent of nanotechnology and further advances
in cyber tech, in addition to the acceleration in various other
fields, the possibilities for our future existence now have no
conceivable limit. The empire of pure information, unfettered by the
inertia of the neophobic herd, will enable the primate human to
transform into Homo Sapiens Cyberneticus, the divine man. This
Techno-Ubermench was first glimpsed in the misty imagination of
science fiction writers and the philosophical promulgations of the
existentialists. The heralding of this man-machine symbiosis, this
birthing of the omega man, will not be readily accepted amongst the
masses. The slow progression of the herd mind's evolution, the
status quo, is only jolted into the acceptance of new paradigms -
various modes of thinking and models of innovation - by these
moments of increased change, and synchronicity…..”[1]

……..


Believe me, it doesn’t end there, but I think you get the point: people that think and write like this need more frequent bowel movements, and to watch a couple episodes of the Simpsons. A hot dog and a Pabst wouldn’t do ‘em any harm either. Of course, I could have this all wrong: maybe read backwards, or from the side, it makes real sense.

So much for our future mystic spirituality. I know I feel better knowing that Omega man wasn’t just another bad Charlton Heston film, but a harbinger of other aging actors thinking they can get away without wearing shirts.

Or…..did I miss THAT point, too?

On the business side of things, which of course is what you are really interested in, as proven by the facts (1) you’ve stayed with me long enough to get TO that side; (2) you subscribed to this newsletter----albeit unknowingly----in the first place; and (3) you’re hoping, at the very least, to pick up another email address from this article for one of your astounding downstreamin’ success formulae, I give you this: one man’s opinion on how to create whiz/bang sales copy using 3 simple steps:

(1) “Create a Problem;
(2) “Agitate your audience;
(3) “Offer a solution.”{YOURS}[2]

This is deep if unsettling stuff. If we return to our WARTS example, a preferred approach might proceed as follows:

(1) YOU HAVE A WART. THAT IS DISGUSTING. AND EVERYONE ELSE THINKS ITS DISGUSTING, TOO;
(2) WARTS GO CANCER ALL THE TIME, AND YOU WILL DIE. IT’S A HORRIBLE DEATH, PLUS YOU’RE UGLY THE WHOLE TIME. PEOPLE WILL FIND THAT (UGLINESS) DISGUSTING, TOO;
(3) WELL, LOOKEE HERE!!!….WOULDN’T YA JUST KNOW IT?? I SELL WART REMOVER. PEOPLE WILL LOVE YOU AGAIN. YOU WILL BE BEAUTIFUL. AND YOU WON’T DIE. FROM WARTS I MEAN.

I mean, who can resist? Once hooked, I see no reason stopping with existing warts. Hell, we both know that if you apply Bob’s Beauty Blobs to NON-wart infested areas, and do so continuously, you won’t give any new warts an opportunity to take root! Better offer to sell it by the quart jug. Better yet, give ‘em the first jug free, but rest their agitated little minds by assuring them in small print that they’ll get monthly refills automatically. Don’t have to do NUTHIN. Heck, you’ve already GOT their credit card number. That itself gets you an entirely NEW problem to tackle, on their behalf. Say, in about a year. “Free” initial credit reports should do the trick.

[1] Jonathan Bethel and Michael McDaniel are both specialists in
esoteric studies and futurist thought. Visit their site for more
informative articles on this subject at, http://www.omegapoint.org
or mailto:editors.omegapoint.org
[2]Al Martinovic is the owner of I Need Smokes.com. I guess THAT figures

©2003 Bob Pladek
http://juriscomic.com
http://mydeas.com
Bob Pladek has been in big business, little business, and
many businesses inbetween. A lawyer with acquisition,
marketing, and PR experience, he is a published humorist,
cartoonist and folk singer. He lives with his wife of 25
years, two smart daughters, and too many animals. Bob is the
Bill Allen of myDeas.com. Or the other way around.










Web Site: juris



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