Orginally posted April 29th at www.dcs-svt.com
As I was going through my edits, and working on things related to the book, the times that past me were incredibly synchronistic. 12:12, 1:11, 2:12, 2:22. Insistent little taps on my shoulder. You can find my number glancing strange, however, its a lot more subtle than hearing voices or seeing things go flying around the room by some unseen force. Besides numbers have their own mystical quality too, ever heard of scared geometry? Cool shit.
I didn’t need those reminders, but I liked to see them. I keeping pushing myself to trust more, worry about the little shit less. When I release and just go with it, it really does work itself out. I keep my intent on what I desire the outcome to be, and wallah. I experiment with it everyday, and I’m proven right every day but sometimes in those crunch moments it can be hard not to slip back into old patterns. Every now and then you just wanna wallow in the grouchyness. I’ve decided so long as I’m not throwing it at anyone else, and I clean up the space after all is well in the world.
I’m God, I make the rules anyway. Sides, I’m only really grouchy when I’m PMSing.
The blockages I have left to work through though, their tough little fuckers. I suppose it’s no big mystery a woman who likes to live up in her head has continued issues staying grounded. I don’t worry about my safety but I do about my health. I have no need too, I’m probably as healthy as I’ve ever been. Ascension can be a bitch on many levels though, changes to your physiology is one of them.
Every now and then the whole idea of my current journey and all it’s ramifications bugs me the fuck out and reality threatens to stray. I’ve pretty much got this one down pat though, a little grounding and I’m good. I still can’t do the dark by myself, cannot walk through a dark room, cannot stand there with the lights off around me. I haven’t really tried to push through this one yet, one at a time I figure.
These little things are a slight frustration though. I want it over with already. I don’t mind the struggle to keep the chakras open and balanced, but I’m really damn tired of my fears still bugging the shit out of me. Like a gnat at a barbecue.
I’m still working on asserting myself more. Expressing what I want. Half the time I don’t know, the possibilities are endless. Other times, I know I don’t want to slip into a neat role in my relationships. I know that while I’m not lonely by any means which is awesome (and I spend quite a bit of time with just myself), I want to be held more. I know that I’m still patiently waiting for a connection that matches my sexual intensity. I’m well aware of the force of my own gaze, in certain moments. I can feel it, sitting on me like a blanket that I’m slowly extending. I want that embrace grabbed with a force that matches mine.
I should set a date. Put myself on a schedule of my own making to work through the last few blockages. So, by November 19th, 2008 I will be a fully activated, fully conscious, fully awake body. We have a goal, score. More things to intend…
I’ve gotta get more into Book two as well. It’s so funny how I write. Sporadic scenes, pieced together like a puzzle. I have a very light idea what I want to happen in the second book. Individual conflicts I can see clashing in my head. But there are a lot of details to fill in those gasps and that’s going to require more research.
I love the research, but it’s real easy to spend days on end wandering through it because everything is fascinating instead of focusing on what’s needed for that particular scene.
If you were in my head right now you’d be ducking and dodging the rapid fire thoughts I’m stacking up of things that need to be done. And the only problem with me and my prioritized to do lists is that well, I don’t always follow them.
I really think sometimes I have ADD.
More meditation is required. It’s work to get my mind to quiet.