HOST: For those of you just tuning in, we here at the Weather Channel just finished a riveting, uninterrupted 65-minute segment of random local forecasts for every city in the United States except yours, accompanied by riveting light jazz that is only attractive to senior citizens and sarcastic, college-aged newspaper columnists.
As riveting as that segment is, we now turn our attention to Hurricane Lloyd. As we reported earlier this evening, Lloyd has been heading for a direct collision with the Gulf Coast. We now take you live to the scene with the same reporter that we always send out because he likes to stand out in the wind.
REPORTER: As you can see because I am standing out here in the middle of the street, Hurricane Lloyd is beginning to come onto land, bringing strong winds and torrential rain.
If you look over to my left, you can see that stop sign shaking violently in the wind. This proves what a macho reporter I am, because if that baby got loose it could potentially fillet me like a trout. But does that bother me? Does that make me want to take off this flimsy rain jacket and put away this microphone with the Weather Channel logo and foam mouthpiece and go inside? No way! Because I plan to stay out here all night and continue to report on the progress of this storm.
Back to you in the studio.
HOST: Thank you. Continuing our Hurricane Lloyd coverage, yesterday Gulf Coast officials ordered a mandatory evacuation of all citizens in the Gulf Coast area. Naturally, that is why every shelter in the area of the storm is currently full of citizens who decided to ride out the storm.
We now take you live to one of those shelters, where we will have a live interview with a harried, crabby, slightly dumb woman who felt that the mandatory evacuation didn’t apply to her.
WOMAN: I was watchin’ the TV when they come on and says that we was supposed to leave. But, I mean, they always sayin’ that kind of stuff about them hurricanes. So I just taked my kids and came down here to this here shelter.
I been looking out the window, and I ain’t never seen nothing like this before. I mean, goodness sakes, the winds blowin’ and the rain’s justa comin’ down, and trees are cracking…
It’s getting pretty bad out there. If them officials knew anything, they’d have made sure us folk were outa here long before this storm come through. I mean, whoowee, this is just awful. Yeah, they’s shoulda made sure we all left.
HOST: Thank you. We now take you just across the studio to our real meteorologist, who, unlike us hosts who are just actors hoping to get a break and appear in a movie with Angelina Jolie, actually has a degree for weather forecasting.
METEOROLOGIST: As you can see on this computer-animated screen behind me, Hurricane Lloyd is moving very rapidly onto the shore of the Gulf Coast. Right now it is a Category 3, but by the time it reaches complete landfall, it has the potential to be a Category 4, or even 5, depending how dramatic we want to be. Heck, let’s just say that Lloyd’s going to end up being a Category 6! That’ll boost ratings.
Ahem. Anyway, this map behind me is showing the probable progression of Hurricane Lloyd. As I click through the slides with my wireless controller, you can see it moving inland, further, and further, and further, and—whoops! How’d that picture of my car get in there? Anyway, you get the idea.
Back to you at the main desk.
HOST: Thank you for that forecast. We now take you back to the scene, live with our intrepid reporter, supposing a road sign hasn’t diced him into stir-fry.
REPORTER: Boy howdy, look at this! The sea level has actually risen so much that there is 6 inches of water on this road. Night is beginning to fall, and the sight of the glowing stoplight swinging in the wind and rain behind me is so dramatic that I’m sure I’ll be winning an award for this report.
Anyway, prior to Hurricane Lloyd moving in this evening, local citizens have been working to prepare themselves from the storm. For the next 30 seconds, we will show you video clips of people nailing boards over their windows and hoarding necessities at stores. These are the same clips we’ve been showing you for years, but they are still dramatic.
OK, enough of that. Back to you at the studio.
HOST: Thank you. We now have breaking news from the New Orleans area. Apparently the levies, feeling guilty about not bursting during the last hurricane in the area, burst out of a sense of duty in response to the storm in the Gulf Coast.
Officials are invest the situation, and are currently describing the situation as “only a situation a sarcastic, college-level newspaper columnist could come up with.”
We now go back out to the scene with our reporter, who is reporting live.
Reporter: (Seven-foot-deep water with a foam-topped microphone floating in it is the only thing visible in the shot.)