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David Vogel

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Toilet Paper Fairy Makes it to College
by David Vogel   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Monday, September 29, 2008
Posted: Monday, September 29, 2008

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Vogel describes his first few days of college life. Originally published in the Hillsboro Free Press Septeber 2, 2008.

I am happy to report that the Toilet Paper Fairy has followed me to college.

This was an area of major concern for me the days before moving into my dorm room. At home, when the toilet paper tube was empty, I made it my practice to just leave it there. Then, sometime between then and revisiting the bathroom a couple hours later, the Toilet Paper Fairy would have magically replaced the empty tube with a brand new roll.

I think the Toilet Paper Fairy is directly affiliated with the Tooth Fairy, who magically changes pillow-covered teeth into cash while one sleeps.

I’ve always wanted to sleep with my head under the pillow to see if the tooth fairy would exchange all my teeth for money. Unfortunately, I have a feeling it wouldn’t be enough to cover the price of a false set of teeth, so I’m a little leery to experiment.

But getting back to my original thought, I had visited the single toilet in my dormitory in the morning to discover that the toilet paper roll was empty. Not sure of how to proceed, I took action under the directions of “The Man’s Guide to House­keeping,” which is to do nothing.

As I found out later that day, I had no need to worry; a brand-new roll was in the bathroom.

This makes me feel a lot better about college.

Actually, I haven’t found a whole lot to be worried about yet.

After all the freshmen moved in last Friday, Tabor College swung into full Freshmen Orientation Mode. Freshmen orientation has a very low stress level. As far as I can tell, it’s basically a way for the college to ensure that the new students don’t get into any trouble between moving in on Friday and starting classes on Tuesday.

The orientation sessions include a lot of sitting and listening, which doesn’t require a whole lot of anxiety, but it does ensure that the day feels like it’s taken forever and makes a person very sleepy.

So naturally I’ve stayed up until after 1 a.m. every night. I like to think of it as acclimating myself to the college lifestyle.

As of now, this strategy has been working pretty well. I have a feeling, however, that once my 8 a.m. classes start, it’s going to be a little bit difficult to handle.

That’s why I’ve ensured that the refrigerator in my room is stocked with Mountain Dew.

Mountain Dew is the funner (or, as we English majors like to say, more fun) but less healthy version of coffee. It gives students the energy boost we need to get to class on time so that we can be sound asleep by the end of lecture.

The other benefits of Mountain Dew are that I don’t have to brew it, it tastes a lot better than coffee and it’s a neat radioactive color.

And speaking of my room, I think I have almost finished moving in.

My desk space is a little 3-by-3-foot surface that is squeezed between my closet and the exterior wall.

The optimistic word for it would be “cozy.” The realistic word for it would be “how-am-I-supposed-to-get-my-homework-on-this-thing?”

All I have on the desk so far is my laptop, iPod speakers, a small trash can and some file organizers. When it comes time for homework, I’ll probably end up actually doing it outside of the room.

But I do have my textbooks on the shelf above my desk. I think they cost about half of my total student loan, so I am seriously considering just leaving them in the shrink wrap so that when I resell them I will get the best resale price.

Of course, I am kidding (at least for now). In all seriousness, though, my room is about as habitable as it’s going to get.

The advantage of going to college in one’s hometown is that it is possible to go home at any time. On the flip side, though, is that the motivation to pack is extremely low. At least, it was for me.

I knew I could come home whenever I wanted, so it didn’t seem all that urgent to me to get all of my stuff packed and moved. Over the past few days, I’ve made several trips back to my house to pick up things I’ve forgotten.

In fact, I still haven’t gotten my alarm clock. One of these days, that might come in handy. In the meantime, I’ll just be sure to stock up on Mountain Dew. And maybe some more tissue for the Toilet Paper Fairy, just to be on the safe side.


Web Site: Hillsboro Free Press

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