edited: Friday, November 29, 2002
By E M Bernales
Posted: Sunday, July 14, 2002
Become a Fan
For countless times, I convinced myself I was over him. But when our paths crossed again, I knew right there and then that it wasn't yet. I was just in a state of denial.
All the while I thought I would be just fine when I went up to the top floor to make my grand entrance as someone who has resurrected back from the dead. I thought it was going to be A-OK finding him seated beside her and that I wouldn’t even care less if they lock themselves up in a rib-cracking embrace right before my very eyes. For me they were nothing but some invisible particles comprising the hairy carpet I was treading on. I have so much garbage in mind to keep me busy rather than keep a probing eye on them.
Because the moment I saw the glint of light from his glasses, I melted. Confusion struck me and I retreated back to the towering shelves and descended back to the ground floor to catch my breath that almost escaped me. I was distraught.
This is the place where we used to date. The familiar sights and sounds. The smell of brewed coffee. The rains. They bring back all the memories I had for him which I thought I booted out a long time ago from my memory chip. Everything stops as I started becoming conscious of his presence like gravity pulling the tides. I hear asteroids clash at the mere mention of his name. What more of hearing his infectious laughter? The voice that was like music resounding on my head?
Cold sweat ran across my forehead. Darn. The letter.
“Dear Puppy Love,
You would be glad to know that I’ve changed my mind and decided to put an end to this one-way street madness. I loved you okay but that is past tense and I don’t care a chicken-shit about you anymore. Go on with your life and enjoy her presence until you puke in each other’s arms for all I care.
I wrote him this letter wanting to be brave and famous, convinced in any way that I was giving justice to myself and to the world we live in. But no matter how I dress up reality in a make-believe noble purpose, I still ran after someone who didn't even laid his eyes on me. The irony of it. But no matter how embarrassing the act was, I felt I was relieved of some burden that haunted me for months.
It posed some challenge to show my face and appear unaffected in front of the two love-birds. But no matter how sugar-coated the meeting was, I feel tensions hanging thick on the air. My mind was thrown in chaos, being seated beside him and her. What the heck you would say. The scene can pass for a good family picture of girls number one and two and the perpetrator in-between. Yuck. What was I doing there anyway?
The picture didn't seem fit and I have to cut my self out of the frame. I didn't want a showdown of some sorts.