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Henry L. Lefevre

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I Don't Want to be Skinny
by Henry L. Lefevre   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Posted: Friday, February 27, 2004

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Never risk being too full for the most important part of your meal.

The older I get, the more I believe that first things ought to come first. For example, I always eat my dessert before starting my breakfast. If I'm still hungry after eating my pie a la mode at six in the morning, I settle down to the nutritious things like strawberry shortcake or brownies and cream.

Those who don't really know me might think that I'm the early bird of the family. That's at least partially true . I have my breakfast before anyone else. Otherwise, my wife might insist that I start out the day with oatmeal, pancakes, or filet minion. I know. Every time I sleep in, I find a disgustingly healthy meal on the table.  Then, I have to forgo my favorite goodies like root beer floats or jam-covered pop tarts.

Being quite timid, I eat what I'm fed for the rest of the day -- except for the candy bars that I hide in my den or the hard candy stashed in my jacket. I start snacking on them about an hour before meals just to make sure that I have enough energy to get to the table.

Some people who read this might think that I'm fat. That ain't the case. I'm so cotton pickin' thin that my wife keeps trying to put some meat on my bones. 'Taint no use though. I have a straight gut. The only things that stick to my ribs contain lots of calories with plenty of sugar.

My folks used to say that it was tough to be old.  They were wrong.  It's tough to be young.  When I was a kid, I had to count every calorie that entered my body -- except when I played football or went out for track. During those seasons, I worked off my calories and sweat off the fluids. Besides, by the time I came home to dinner, I was too tired to eat.

I've been told that Nirvana won't last -- that I'm sure to pay for my gluttony and become as fat as a sow as soon as my metabolism slows down. Could be. However, I do take precautions like mever taking short cuts on the way to the fridge.  I also weigh myself four times per day to make sure that I'm not about to start gaining more weight than I need. Whenever I pick up fifty pounds or so, I quit making malts out of cream and forgo the desserts that I love to consume after dinner or at three in the morning.

There's only one drawback to my wonderful lifestyle. Whenever the grandkids come by, I have to hide in the attic in order to scarf down my pre-dinner snacks. My own kids want me to set the type of example that would encourage their children to build more muscle than fat. Otherwise, the kids might not win athletic scholarships let alone professional sports contracts. For them, "first things first" means grooming their kids to become filthy rich athletes or corporate kings.

I might support that worthy objective were it not for that fact that too many corporate executives get greedy. When they end up in jail, they have to eat what the're served. That seldom includes lobsters sautéed in butter or ten-layer cake and ice cream.


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Reviewed by Cynthia Borris
Hi Hank,

Four times a day! Wow! Send that idea off to Dr. Phil. Weight management by the hour.

Reviewed by Floria Kelderhouse (Reader)
HEH HEH HEH This is great Frank....funny thing....I love eating
desert when I am hungry....just love it...and don't really appreciate it much after a favorite....I would love to just eat that first and then dinner...but when all the kids are here for dinner I get yelled at...LOL....I am not fat either but we both are on low carb diets now to firm up a bit and I am just about ready to toss that book out and start eating again...first thing will be desert....this was so enjoyable to read.....floria
Reviewed by Debra Conklin
Oh, to have problems such as these!
Funny writing.
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