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Duke LaRance

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Independence Day Homily
By Duke LaRance   
Rated "PG13" by the Author.
Last edited: Friday, July 01, 2011
Posted: Friday, July 01, 2011

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With (in)sincere apologies to Ed Matlack....

Independence Day Homily

 

While pondering the Great Mysteries of the Universe, I waddled into WalMart the other day. When I went to get a cart, a stupid looking couple with a stupid looking kid had pulled out a cart. Instead of moving forward an inch or two so other losers such as myself could get carts, Stupid Woman stood in the way trying to stuff Stupid Kid into the kiddy seat in the cart. The whole time, Stupid Man stood there with his stupid eyes closed and his stupid mouth open, a bit of spittle running down his chin, as if he were totally unaware of his surroundings.

Right as I was getting ready to give them all a big shove, Stupid Family finally started wandering out of the way. Before I could reach for a cart, Big Ugly Underdressed Woman, who had been lurking behind me reached in front of me and snatched a cart. It looked like she could grow a better moustache in a week than I could in a year. The hair in her armpits was long enough to braid. A three inch skid mark showed through the back of her shorts. I wanted to scream, “WHAT PART OF 6-3, 350 DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND!” I calmed down when I realized that the arthritic elderly woman “greeter” (HUH?) could probably kick my ass.

Surprisingly, the rest of my shopping experience went very smoothly, despite having to dodge one imbecile after another meandering mindlessly while I tried not to run over their booger-eating offspring. One item that I purchased was an American flag set, mounting bracket, pole and hardware included, some assembly required.

After I got home, I saw much to my relief that the banner was made in the good ol’ USA and that the unit was proudly assembled in this, our Native Land. Then to my disgust and horror I discovered that the wooden pole, the cheap plastic bracket and even the screws were imported from godless Communist China.

Toins out, the flag company is located in Joisey. As I sit here right now calmingly documenting my experience, it’s all that I can do not to go that company’s website and bellow,

“LIEBER GOTT!!! CAIN’T YEW FELLERS GIT NO WOOD IN JOISEY???!!! EVERY MAN JACK OUT HERE IN MON-TUNA SURE AS HELL CAN, AND I MEAN BIG WOOD, TOO!! ‘Ceppin’ for lil ol’ moi….”

Amen.

COPYRIGHT(C)2011/duke larance/ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

duke larance -- the drugstore cowboy poet

 

 


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Reviewed by Ed Matlack 7/1/2011
We have no more wood in Joisey...except in the Pine Barrens which is protected, so get your wood in Mon-tuna & quit yer bitchin' bout Joisey...;-)e


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