As fans gathered in Los Angeles to pay a tearful farewell to their hero, the self – proclaimed King Of Pop Michael Jackson (tickets $2000 each - no concessions) the mourners were shaken by the latest revelation from the Boggart Blog conspiracy theory investigators tasked with delving into the mysteries surrounding the death of the word’s greatest silly walks specialist. What our reporters learned shocked even the hardened journalists we had assigned to the story. They learned that not only is Michael Jackson not dead but even as they gather to bury their hero he is actually in Moscow negotiating a strategic arms limitation deal with Russian President Dmitry Medvedev.
Yes Michael Jackson and Barack Hussein Obama are the same person.
Once this fact is brought into the open it should be clear even to the most fanatical fans of both that it was only after Jackson’s career began to wane in the wake of child abuse allegations and increasingly eccentric and erratic behaviour that a new political star, Barack Hussein Obama began to register on the political radar. The clues that pointed to a massive conspiracy were staring us in the face.
The first and most obvious question doubters should ask themselves is: Have Whacko Jacko and Obama ever been seen together in public? On the face of it this might seem no big deal, were George W Bush and Amy Winehouse ever seen together? Was Bill Clinton ever seen with Jimmie Krankie? For people in the public eye to not be seen together is not unusual you might think. Look deeper. Can anybody name a world leaders Michael Jackson has not appeared alongside at some time. Is there any other showbiz celebrity Obama has not managed to be photographed with?
Now you see what we are saying in a different light.
The mathematically minded might suggest that Obama is considerably taller than Jacko. who, even in his personality lifts was only average height. But if Jacko had access to surgeons capable of turning the face of a cute black teenager into a pastiche of an ageing Hollywood drama queen, a Joan Crawford or Judy Garland lookalike, adding a few inches to thigh and shin bones would be no problem.
Physical characteristics can be faked but consider how the most notable personality traits of the two man overlap. Both loved change. Michael Liked to change his nose more often than many men change their underwear, Obama liked to change his past particularly if it involved some fantasy about the British persecuting his ancestors. His fear and loathing of Britain is well founded however, we’ve got his birth certificate showing he is a British subject born in Kenya locked away in a secret location.
It is not just that. Both Obama and Jackson had an unfortunate knack of making inappropriate friendships, Obama with terrorists, black separatist preachers and crooks, Michael with Uri Geller and assorted little boys whose parents cared more about the size of the out of court settlement than their child’s safety. Again, superficially there may not be much similarity but to be missing that gene whose job is to tell us “this is probably not a smart move” is an unusual trait.
Then in the case of both there is the mystery of the missing childhood. Looming large among the mysteries surrounding Obama is the utter lack of a back story. No college roomies have ever come forward to tell mildly embarrassing stories about Barry’s student days even though according to his CV he spent a decade as a student. No schools have proudly produced any records of Obama’s scholastic achievements or his minor misdemeanours such as carving initials on the desk or smoking behind the bikesheds. Michael Jackson, as we have all heard at least three times before breakfast every day this past couple of weeks was robbed of his childhood. Michael was thrust too young into the world of performing and celebrity. No surprise then that Obama’s childhood also disappeared.
Just how early Michael was involved in showbiz is truly amazing. It is a well known fact he invented the Moonwalk. Now I first saw the Moonwalk being performed by street entertainers in Italy during a family holiday in summer 1958, some months before Michael was born. The way these people would walk without getting anywhere fascinated me. Later, knowing that Michael Jackson must have been torn from the womb to teach those Italians the trick makes the memory even more magical for me but being a father myself I’m sure it is not a good way to bring up a child.
The clincher though, the final proof, if any is still needed, that Michael Jackson and Barack Obama are the same person lies in that combination of arrogance bordering on hubris and the extreme emotional insecurity that drives an insatiable need to be adored. That two men with delusions of divinity combined with a desperate need to be universally loved and adored could be born so close to each other in both geography and time is just too unlikely to be dismissed as coincidence. There has to be a conspiracy at work.
Or perhaps Obama and Jackson are just metaphors for our times, the products of manipulative media, exploitative marketing and the susceptibility of so many people to be trained like Pavlov’s Dogs.
And now for something completely different - a true loss to the world of music: A Tenor Less