Expressing Feelings; More on Self Empowerment

            [thoughts from    ~burning woman~   Sha’Tara]

Have you ever felt the heart-tug to express your deepest, most sacred or frightening feeling, perhaps to someone you think to trust, or to a blank piece of paper or on a computer screen?  So you prepare, excitedly, to do so and realize you cannot translate the feeling into words that make sense, words that won’t make you look stupid, ignorant or betray a deeper aspect of yourself you cannot expose to the world?  Words that would make you shrink within when what you need is to expand by sharing your joy or your sorrow in that moment?

So what do you do?  Hold the feeling and watch a TV sitcom or talk show, buy a book, find a song or cut and paste some ‘feel good’ ditty from the internet that expresses a bit of what you felt and settle for that.  Settle for someone else’s would-be experience instead of your own.  Once more the spectator, once more the victim, once more unfulfilled. 

There is this great sadness about the life we live, that we are all somewhat aware we are more than we dare express but we feel inadequate, or afraid, to express ourselves.  When we gather the courage to do it, it’s likely through groups, or crowds, and feelings expressed that way are even worse than those never expressed.  As William Hazlitt said, There is not a more mean, stupid, dastardly, pitiful, selfish, spiteful, envious, ungrateful animal than the Public.  It is the greatest of cowards, for it is afraid of itself.   Let’s call this ‘Willy’s Theorem’.   By joining ‘the public’ to express ourselves we become even less than what we started with because by observation ‘the Public’ is made up of bullies and slaves ruled by the most ignorant among them. 

What do I need to do in order to find the courage to express ‘me’ as me and not as a part of the herd, or as something ground out of pop psychology or pressure groups? 

The answer is obvious:  self empowerment. 

Well there you go.  So now all I need is go buy a bunch of books on self empowerment (S/E),  or magazines with S/E articles in them, watch videos on S/E, attend seminars given by S/E gurus and begin to feel good about myself as I pour this New Year’s Resolution cocktail into my brain.  That is until the American Express bill comes and I realize how much seeking S/E is costing and how nothing else in my life has changed.  With the bill unpaid and less than half the books read; the magazines in the bathroom library; the ditties shared with friends and all you got in return were a couple of jokes about the red-neck trucker, life returns to normal: I’m poorer, less ‘empowered’ than ever. 

Does self empowerment come from taking Alpha courses or watching movies called ‘The Secret’ and reading stories of those who overcame dreadful handicaps to become rich and famous, or at least notorious?  From reading ‘Conversations with God’ or watching the latest conspiracy video on ‘9-11’?  Does it come from joining meditation groups or some newly invented ‘health wealth and happiness’ religious movement?  From keeping fingers and toes crossed and touching wood while buying lottery tickets?  By supporting the local hockey team with time, tickets, screaming and swearing?  From buying a new house on a mortgage that couldn’t be paid in two lifetimes of earnings?  By playing feel good hopscotch with drugs and alcohol?

No.  But basically that’s all the System will ever offer, and ever condone.  The status quo fears the self empowered and will go to any lengths to prevent anyone from discovering the source of this power.  Yet without S/E we will never, ever, evolve beyond the grind and tick tock.  Beyond wasteful and mindless competition and beyond wars.  Without it we will never be able to live on this world without eating it up and destroying it.  Why?  Because without self empowerment there can be no understanding.  No true vision.  No power to bring any vision to fruition.  Any vision “accidentally” acquired by the non-empowered is immediately entrusted to a group—the Public, via the media and existing institutions.  As long as the vision is guaranteed not to create empowerment and not to cause any undue change within existing conditions it can become a best seller, netting the ‘visionary’ a Pullet Surprise… Back to Willy’s Theorem.

Self empowerment comes out of self-discovery.  The old adage, ‘know thyself’ takes on a whole new meaning.  I have to look at myself, just as I am, all of me, all I can remember, and I have to do a personal, private inventory of that mess—and if I’m truly searching that will be an unholy mess, never mind the face I presented to the Public.  Nothing can be hidden here.  Here I discover why earlier on I could not share my deepest feelings with anyone: much too dangerous.  If the self-righteous and fearful ‘public animal’ could see this ‘me’ it would tear it apart in an instant: the proverbial scapegoat.  No one can see this me, only I. 

The first step in self empowerment is to dare look at myself, not just in the mirror, but at face value.  To hold that image and accept it as  is.  The next step is to develop a process whereby that image is reworked, as if I were re-painting on an old canvas.  Now begins the horror show of painstaking and delicate work.  I need all of my energies and more to do this.  Finally when something good emerges, not part of the group-think or group mind, I too can then emerge and begin the most difficult task of all:  making this work in a world totally at odds with everything I’ve made myself into. 

The self empowered is not only an alien in an impossible world, but one who can function with power, certainty and purpose in that very world looking for but one excuse to destroy this alien force.