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Tom Hyland

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Books by Tom Hyland
3 H - P 8
By Tom Hyland
Last edited: Monday, August 31, 2009
Posted: Monday, August 31, 2009



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Tom Hyland

• LUCK ?
• TRANSPORTATION
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• GOOD PEOPLE vs. ARROGANT S.O.B's
• CONJUGATION OF VERBS
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• Fun With Some CON Words
           >> View all 378
COMMERCIAL:-

If you have not read Mr. Ed's Four part series - Journey North - please DO SO! As always, a sincere tribute to Life, critters, and Muv'va Nature!

We now return your screen to Hyland's Horrendous Hogwash ... we disavow any knowledge of having any knowledge of anything knowledgeable!








3 H - P 8

© - Tom Hyland - 08-23-09 to -8-30-09


RE: Debra Conklin’s - What A Line -

DEB - when I was a mere 17 year-old child I heard this line that I loved -

"Are you psychologically inclined to be properly osculated?"

Very few, if any sweet young Thangs had a clue as to what it meant. This line was usually only used if I thought that the Lass might be impressed by intelligence. Most of the time, I wound up explaining, or translating it -

"Are you fit or suitable to be Kissed?"

Usually, a Smile was the response - what girl thinks that she is not?

It was only an 'ice-breaker' - if she was kind, or open-minded, it usually opened a conversation.

If it didn't work, then - NEXT ...

Tom.

==================================================

RE: My - 3 H - P 7 -

8/24/2009
Mr. Ed

Can man get constipated by drinking Crazy Glue?

EDvard, Ole Brother

DEAR VARD-ARK ...

YES - but this condition can be quickly remedied with a double-dose of Epsom Salts, laced with fingernail polish remover ...

if this fails to get the desired results, try two quarts of Liquid Plumber ...

then, call PEEWEE in the morning!

Now you know why olde Brother Edvard wanders Sweden in that outfit, but I sure wish you hadn't advised him to call me!

Brother Pee Wee

8/24/2009
Georg Mateos

Tell John Martin I wasn't his Sergeant but his Lt. Colonel at the time if he not blind can see in the provided photo the long strips on my shoulder, maybe he was a the time on Marijuana Detail?

Now, how do you comment on the literary porridge above? one must write it with a spoon!

Georg

8/23/2009
John Martin

Just out of curiosity, Tom. Where did you get the picture of my old platoon sergeant and how did he end up in Sweden?.

Dear JOHN (the dogface ‘Boot’ recruit) -
GEORG (the picture poser) -
PEEWEE (the picture supplier) -

John - your old platoon sergeant got promoted to Lt. Colonel as a result of being chosen as “Poster Child” for a DEPENDS ad, and he was so popular over there, so he stayed in Sweden! And, if anyone was ever on Mary Jane Detail - it was HIM! The pic speaks for itself! More like about 2,000 WORDS!

Georg - EDvard - ‘Literary Porridge?’ Spoon Writing is a Lost Art - it was invented by a famous psychiatrist, named Freud, specifically for patients who were not allowed to have sharp objects, like No.2 pencils and quills - it was safer, and actually allowed the Indigo ink to FLOW easier. You should try it sometime, as it is very therapeutic, especially for people in the throes of senility!

Peewee - I only told Georg to call you, to get him off my back - he gets all a-twitter whenever you abandon him, and ignore him, just because you need to escape from reality by going to the Great North Woods.

He tends to revert back to his second childhood, whenever neglected. You know, that old - “Pick Me! Pick Me!” syndrome.

As soon as the “Joisey Devil” is up to it - you three BROS need to divulge another tall tale about your exploits in some exotic location, like maybe - SWEDEN - when youse guyz invented the original Swedish Meatballs ?- Georg’s pic truly exemplifies such a travesty of culinary delight!

Peace to All - and to All - Good Night! Cuz TomKat.

==================================================

RE: My - Bob Bell Nissan - True Story -

8/26/2009
Mr. Ed

Labor = $ 187.03

Hey, do you know how long it takes to pop in a new battery??!!
About 5 minutes, and add another 5 for sticking in that new air filter that your friend insisted they do (yeah, right). And My God, all that paperwork - that takes bunches of both time and labor!

ED - yeah, I know, you’re right - I also forgot about all that Care, Concern, and Desire to Please - that Dealerships exert towards all their customers, in order to properly - Analyze - Trouble-Shoot - and Correct - every possible minor flaw - while they have your Trusty Steed Captured in the O.K. Corral -

After all, the poor, starving, almost defunct Dealerships Do have to pay Dearly for all those TV Commercials - don’t they?

POOR LYING BASTARDS! Peace ... Tom.

Posted by Mr. Ed (author) at 8/26/2009 4:48:53 AM

Hi Tom Hyland: I really cracked up when I heard many dealers were backing out of the Clunker Cash deals because the gov. was taking too long to send them their $4,500.

And I've also recently read where many of these trade-in clunkers, which were supposed to be immediately destroyed, are already being re-painted, and re-sold as 'Fine, Dependable, Pre-Driven, Vehicles.'

What a country, indeed!

Hi Mr. Ed:

ED - another good point - well made - last weekend, I ALMOST went out and bought a new car - ALMOST !!!

Since early Spring, my A/C Compressor on my trusty PT Cruiser has not come on once - dealership wanted only about $1,537 to install 2 computer parts - so I've been driving in misery, right?

Down here, there is a LIBERTY FORD info-mercial that has been running for MONTHS now - like a half-hour ad - EVERYTHING is INLCLUDED - Life-time Tire Service, Life-time Warranty, PAY OFF your current Loan (no matter WHAT it is - in my case, about $7,000) - BAD CREDIT NO PROBLEM! NO CREDIT NO PROBLEM! - "Phoney Customers giving Testimonials that their Payment is LESS THAN $5 A DAY ( 5 X 30 = $150. mo.) - SURE!

Anyway - before jumping in the car last Friday morning, I thought maybe I should first go to their Website and take a Gander at some of the cars for sale, both New & Used -

When I got there, the DEFAULT system on their site was so SKEWED & SCREWED UP - that no matter what you tried to Click to change, it would NOT work - i.e. Default = Ford F-150 (which everyone knows is a Pick-UP truck) - Make - Model - Year - NOPE! Finally was able to choose SEDAN and actually came up with about 10 cars - all identical, except different colors - ALL the same PRICE - over $24,000 !

Although a Ford dealer, one might think you could at least look at some Lincolns or Mercuries, right? NOPE!

CHOOSE - Engine type - Transmission - Color - Features ? NADA!

Got just a tad PISSED, so searched the entire site for a CONTACT US BUTTON for EMAIL - NADA! Only method shown was a toll-Free 800 Number - dialed it - now this is BEFORE 7 AM - guy immediately answers, asks my name, phone number, etc. and is going immediately into completing a Credit Application Form - HELLO?

I said - "HOLD IT PAL - I'm calling to register a COMPLAINT - whereupon he says you have to call a different number, which he supplied - DIALLED IT - Recording - "WE'RE SORRY - BLAH BLAH BLAH ..."

Needless to say, I did NOT buy a new car - now, I'll wait til COLD weather gets here, so maybe my Trade-In might not get checked for A/C ?

And do it SOMEWHERE ELSE! Peace - Tom.


8/26/2009
Georg Mateos

Better Business Bureau, that's a place you should go, and print this story in full on a fly poster and put it on thees and cars around the dealership, send those to all the newspapers around, you will se how fast the dealership will run to tell that all was a tragic misunderstanding!

Georg

GEORG - Good suggestion - However ...

I gave up on the BBB many years ago, just another 'flunkie' of the 'Corporations' nowadays.

And, there once was a time whenever I had a 'bitch' about something, I would send an email copy directly to: The Consumers Advocate's Division of The Office of The Attorney General of the State of Maryland -

YEAH - ONCE ... then 'they' got wise, and changed their reporting system, so that no one would do anything until, and unless - you jumped through all their hoops!

Click on the Formal Complaint Form - Print out a copy on your own paper - and Physically Mail it to a Special Designated Address -

If so, and whereupon, someday - MAYBE - you might even get an email acknowledgement BULL-SHIT response.

If not, you would get an auto-generated form letter email telling you to go to their website and do as already specified above - IPSO FACTO!

Over here, in the States, we have been 'going to hell in a hand-basket' for about 50 years now - and no one in any prominent position or level of government gives a 'FLYING HORSE-TURD' about it!

SCORE THUS FAR:

CORPORATIONS -
$300,000,000,000 MILLION BILLION SKA-ZILLIONS -

CONSUMERS -
ONE DRIED-UP DEFUNCT HIND TIT !!!

GEE - do I sound cynical, or what?

Peace - my CUZ - Peace ... TomKat.

=========================================================

RE: My - Disclaimer -

8/28/2009
Mr. Ed

“Oh - you MAY have some Minor, Insignificant Side Effects -
Like - your Legs Fall Off - or you DIE!”

My spouse and I have gotten to the point where we ignore the TV commercial's actual drug pitch, and we listen to the often numerous and truly amazing side effects which very often sound far worse than the original ailment. Needless to say, we don't take the drug.

As for chiropractors, they are unsung heroes as far as I'm concerned, and one of them saved me from years of misery. I injured my tailbone in the military (you don't want to know how) and the resulting pinched nerve in my leg brought me absolute agony - I couldn't even put my pants on without help.

The military flew me to a hospital in Germany, and the surgeon smugly told me that they would be removing part of my tailbone. He also showed me the rubber pillow that he said I would now have to carry around with me the rest of my life to sit on. I immediately refused surgery, toughed it out, and sought out a chiropractor when I got out.

After a few months of chiropractor visits, both my tailbone and my leg were again fine - and I thank God for that chiropractor every time I see a rubber butt pillow!

ED - thanks for comments - what a terrific testimonial - this is exactly the kind of story that Congress needs to hear - if Chiropractic Care is not INCLUDED in the National Health Reform - it will be a Catastrophe for Patients and doctors alike!

Tom.

8/27/2009
Joyce Bell

GOOD ADVICE HERE THAT IS COUPLED WITH PERSONAL OPINION, WHICH IS RESPECTED AND INTERESTING. THANKS FOR SHARING AND BLESSINGS.
JOYCE * HIS INSPIRATIONS

THANKS JOYCE !

8/27/2009
- - - - - TRASK
AND:

Sucking Cell Phones Filthier (Brain Disease) Habit Than Sucking Cigarette!

Eatl: Only Good Honest Chiropractor I Know Is Dead...

TRASK...

8/27/2009
Regis Auffray

Points noted and accepted, Tom. You certainly are covering your ...er... assets. LOL Love and peace,

Regis
remove
8/27/2009
Georg Mateos
Now, that's a disclaimer! You sound like a real Congressman!

Georg


8/27/2009
J'nia Fowler

You are my drug of choice. lol, big hug, J'nia

8/27/2009
Karen Lynn Vidra, The Texas Tornado

I love your ramblings, TK; they make a lot of sense! So I proceed and read "at my own risk". You are a very smart man! :) You sure know your stuff about life! Well done!

(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in Tx., Karen Lynn. :D

8/27/2009
Lori Moore
Eat less, move more, and read Tom's ramblings... it might be risky, but some are actually good. I like 'em all, but I wouldn't tell Tom.



==================================================

RE: Kalikiano Kalei’s - Everything you know is WRONG -

KALI - your vocabulary and profundity far exceed that of mine. Accordingly, I had difficulty following this treatise on 'child-rearing' and its complexities. But, if I might attempt to summarize it, I chose the following citation:

"Individuals vary one from another in far too many ways to even attempt a valid quantification of anything even remotely approaching personal equality. Social classes exist as a hard, cold, and irrefutable fact; they shall persist, despite our best efforts to pretend that we in America live in a classless society in which everyone is neither better nor worse than anyone else. To think otherwise is the gravest of sentimental follies and an intellectual deceit beyond logical comprehension."

To this, I concur - and say - "Hear! Hear!"

Having just passed age 69 last Tuesday, 8/25, as I read this difficult piece I constantly thought of my own personal feelings - from the birth of our two children, through all those wonderful, but exasperating years of growth, to and through their adulthood -

one married, and a professional Chiropractor, running his own practice, with his wife daily beside him - the other, our daughter, who was once a successful Yoga instructor, running her own successful business - but, Alas! Lost everything - now suffering from Bi-Polar disease -

I realize that my Ex and I did a pretty good job - but - No One, No Parent, has a 'corner on the market' on the Future!

One can only do the best with what you have to work with at the current time - No More - No Less ...

Peace, Friend - Tom.

==================================================

RE: Mr. Ed’s - Journey North part II -

ED -

I THINK THAT I SHALL NEVER SEE -

A POEM LOVELY AS THAT OF PEEWEE!

"... by the shores of Gitchegoomee ..." TK.

==================================================

RE: Randall Davis Barfield’s - Pews & The Braindead -

AMEN RANDY - AMEN!

I could never STAND the red-nosed DRUNK!

And to avoid any possible hypocrisy, I purposely avoided watching any of it - and refused to even write any negative commentary - for fear of providing any additional unwarranted attention.

Peace - Tom.

==================================================

RE: MR. ED’S - A Survivor’s Tale -

TATER - WELL DONE!

PEEWEE HAS TAUGHT YOU WELL ...

YOUR 'NEPHEW' RUFIE N' UNCLE JOISEY
MIGHT COULD LEND A FEW POINTERS ALSO -
OR VICE-VERSA?

'CUZ' TOMKAT ...

==================================================

RE: My - EAT LESS - MOVE MORE!

8/30/2009
Kate Burnside

Action-and-information packed this write, Tom... enough to get the heart pounding and the appetite for health quickened at any rate! Can I, too, have a body like that one featured?! :)) Yep, we may try to theorise and invent many other failsafe ways to safeguard life-and-lean but, as you so convincingly write here, there is really only the one OBVIOUS solution. Spoken like a true convert! TY xx


DEAR MATEY KATE -

DARLIN’ - you did not look closely at the BELLY on that body featured - and it is being held in! A few years ago, this shot was taken by pressing the delay button on my digital, and rushing over for the pose - it was a joke for a Lady Friend, to model my New Drawers!

They are Tomy Hilfigers, and because of the narrow waistband on the sides, I
called them my version of a THONG! And, did you not notice that the ‘ten pounds of ugly fat’ are purposely cut off? Also tends to protect the ‘innocent’ from being identified.

Noticed a TV commercial just yesterday - Dr. OZ is going to have his own show soon! This guy has appeared on OPRAH many times, and I like him!
He tells it like it IS - and in layman’s terms - and shows real examples.

Peace - my Dear Woman ... Tom.


8/30/2009
Jackie (Micke) Jinks

So true those words of advice, Tom. Tips to help: use a salad plate rather than a dinner plate to eat from; start your day with cup of hot green tea with a lemon twist; never make a fast-food stop unless your walking half a mile to get there and half a mile to return home (LOL...that would stop the fast-food habit!)
Blessings and Love - Micke

MICKE - RIGHT ON - GAL! That’s 3 more good suggestions!

And ... you gave me another idea ... took the ‘visual’ of the plate size, combined it with Dr. Oz’s - fist Size ... Take your trusty digital camera, or cell phone and take a picture of your FIST ... Print that sucker out and PASTE it right on your refrigerator, next to the HANDLE!

A constant reminder NOT TO ‘PIG OUT!’

P A L ... Peace - Abundance - Love ... TomKat.



8/30/2009
Mr. Ed

Our nation is now filled with gigantic Milwaukee Tumors (have to rename them American Tumors) - as I wander all about, it's amazing to me that all ages now have them - from young tykes to old geezers. The Land of Junk Food, and Inactivity, and Vicarious Living on TV and Computer Screens.

I think the animated flick WALL-E has humanity's sad future down to a Tee - we humans get so obese, we lose the ability to maneuver on our own, and we just lie around eating, and watching a computer screen.

Gimme Those Good Old Days where Everyone Moved A Lot More - and out in the Great Outdoors.

PEEWEE - EXCELLENT OBSERVATIONS!

Case in point - just visited a niece in the hospital - she was always ‘heavy’ even as a child - now, in her mid-to-late Fifties - I guess she was about 350 pounds -
Because of inactivity and over-eating, wound up with pulmonary occlusion - water in her body stored up another 100 pounds - the heavy-duty hospital LIFT can not handle her! She does not have the power to even lift one of her legs!

Please say a Prayer or two ... Peace - Tom.

8/30/2009
m j hollingshead

i am thin, but read anyway. how true , we are becoming a nation of diet cola washing down 6 cupcakes. i teach first graders who huff and puff just to do a few jumping jacks, i'm doing them too at many times their age, i bend to touch my toes and have first graders who can't make it. when did our little people become couch potatoes?

my mom had a sure fire diet trick, and it works, eat what you like, eat less of it, and before every meal down a BIG glass of water and an apple, you will eat less, and remain nice and healthy.

my own diet addition: eat dessert first, it is something most people view in horror, however, no matter how big the meal and how stuffed folks may be, when dessert appears, it WILL be stuffed in, eat dessert first

enjoyed the read

MOLLY - thank you for such a detailed comment.

Yes, it is truly sad indeed - I’m guessing that we are looking now at 4 or even 5 generations of Obesity. What ever happened to the ‘Kennedy Years?’ 45 years ago, Jack & Jackie portrayed ‘Health & Exercise’ -

Eat Dessert First! I adopted that philosophy a few years ago, mostly as a ‘joke.’ Idea being - Life is too Short - Enjoy your Sweets Afore You Die!

Peace - Tom.

8/30/2009
Georg Mateos

Eating small hamburgers while driving at 95mph (eat less-move more) will it count?

Georg

DEAR ELDEST ED - as your other Brother ‘CURLY’ used to say ...

SOITANLY !!! And ... remember when you could buy 10 little teeny hambugers in a bag at LITTLE TAVERN for only about a BUCK? And I’ll bet all of them together weighed LESS than a SUPER SIZE!

Peace - CUZ - Peace ... TKat...


8/29/2009
Elizabeth Hobbs

Hi Tom
Oh my goodness! Now I really feel guilty. I'm just back from walking the dog, but let me tell you, I know it takes a lot more than that. Cheers! Liz

LIZ - thanks for reply -

but, I’ll bet you do that walk a couple times a day/night, right? And it is a chore/pleasure 365 days per year!

God Bless ‘Doggy-Do!’ Peace ... Tom.


8/29/2009
Regis Auffray

An apt and timely write, Tom. You'd be happy to know that I just came back from cycling around the mountain. LOL! Love and peace,

Regis

REG - GOOD BOY!

NOW - is your ‘cycle’ a BI - TRI - QUAD - or HARLEY HOG?

Peace - TK.

==================================================

RE: Mr. ED’s - Five Hundred Miles -

PEEWEE - As per usual, yet another astute observation...

Methinks the Acronym - HOMES - has suffered a vast decline ...

Huron - Ontario - Michigan - Erie - Superior ... is now ...

Hopeless - Oblivious - Miasmic - Eradicated - Septic !!!

Peace - BRO! TK.

==================================================

© - TKH

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Reviewed by Georg Mateos 8/31/2009
The Chiropractors do "it" with their hands! Bwaaaahahahaha!

EDvard, the nasty Ole Cuz

Reviewed by Mr. Ed 8/31/2009
Holy Smokes, Batman - A Free Commercial on A.D.!

Thanks so very much, my friend, and I might have to hire you as my P.R. Man!

And once again I must say: Chiropractors Are Unsung Heroes!!

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