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Ruth Houston

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How Wives with Cheating Husbands Can Gain the Upper Hand
By Ruth Houston   
Rated "G" by the Author.
Last edited: Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Posted: Tuesday, March 08, 2005

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Wives with cheating husbands can work quietly behind the scenes to minimize much of the damage infidelity can cause and gain the upper hand.

Many wives with cheating husbands put up with their husband’s infidelity because they feel they have no other alternatives.  They may suffer in silence simply because they don’t know what else to do. If you’re in a similar situation, you might be surprised to know you have much more power and control than you think.

Don’t Be a Victim – Protect Yourself

You don’t have to sit back and be a helpless victim, or be swept along with the tide.  There’s a lot you can do to make the best of a bad situation. You can minimize much of the damage infidelity can cause.  There are practical things you can do to protect yourself mentally, emotionally, sexually, legally and financially.  Many things can be done quietly behind the scenes, and will help you feel empowered, instead of victimized.

Find Out Everything You Can – Here’s How

The first thing you should do is gather as much information as possible about your husband’s affair.  For the sake of your sanity and your marriage, you have a right to know.   This need not involve hiring a private investigator or buying expensive surveillance equipment.  Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs” can be a tremendous help. ( This $29 book contains practically every known sign of infidelity plus other practical advice you can use. Hundreds of signs are grouped into 21 categories to help you easily find the signs that apply to your situation and your mate.  Most women are amazed at how much information they can find out once they know what to look for and where to look.  The more you find out, the better equipped you’ll be to make intelligent decisions about how to handle the situation. 

What You Can Learn from the Telltale Signs

Do the signs indicate that your husband is serious enough about “the other woman” to move in with her or ask you for a divorce?  If so, you need to act fast. Is the affair still at the stage where marriage counseling can help?  Or does the situation call for damage control?  Do the signs indicate that it’s a workplace affair?  An emotional affair? A cyber affair?  A fling?  Based on the signs, can you find a way to short-circuit or sabotage the affair and get your marriage back on track?

How an Objective 3rd Party Can Help

Sometimes you may need input from an objective third party to bring clarity to the situation.  Someone who’s knowledgeable about signs of infidelity, cheating husbands and extramarital affairs can point you in the right direction.  As a personal infidelity consultant, I can answer your questions, assess your infidelity situation and suggest practical things you can do.

Act Now to Gain the Upper Hand

Don’t ignore the affair or wait to see what how things will turn out.  It’s the worst possible thing you can do.   If you let the situation deteriorate to the point of no return, you could lose the opportunity to gain the upper hand. Act decisively.  Even behind the scenes you can fight for your marriage, or prepare for the possibility that it may end. Start doing what you can right now to make the best of your situation. You can act in your own (and your children’s) best interests even if you don’t know yet,  what your final decision will be.  Take control.  There are practical things you can do.   Whether you stay with your husband or leave him, or even if you’re not sure right now, the suggestions below will help you gain the upper hand.

Make sure infidelity is the problem you’re dealing with.    

Problems like drug or alcohol addiction or gambling can sometimes appear to be infidelity because of similar telltale signs. Get solid proof of  his infidelity without spending a lot of time or money with, Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs.  This $29 book lists practically every known sign of infidelity, and will tell you what to look for, where to look, and how to evaluate what you find.  If your husband is really cheating, you’ll find multiple telltale signs in several categories all at once.

Face reality.  

Ignoring your husband’s infidelity will not make it go away.   It will only make things worse.   He could become so attached to his mistress that it will be impossible to get your marriage back on track.

Speak up and take a stand.  

If you know he’s cheating and say nothing about it, you're enabling his infidelity. Make it clear that you disapprove of what's going on and tell him you want it to stop. Not addressing his infidelity makes him think he has your silent approval or that you don’t know or don’t care what’s going on.

Let him know you know.  

Affairs thrive in secrecy.  If you’ve identified numerous telltale signs and have solid proof of your husband’s infidelity, decide when and how to tell him you know about his affair.  Sometimes just knowing his affair has been exposed will be enough to make him stop.

Realistically evaluate your situation.  

Consider your options.  Is your marriage worth saving?  Should you get a temporary separation? File for divorce?  What is it in your (and your children’s) best interest to do if your husband refuses to end his affair?

Identify the underlying issues.  

Try to pinpoint the contributing factors that led to your husband’s infidelity -  A life crisis?  Major character flaws?  Sexual addiction?  Dissatisfaction with you or with the marriage?  Some other reason?  Get to the root of the problem, if you can.  

Seek counseling for yourself and for your marriage.  

Get several recommendations now, for a good marriage counselor, and narrow it down to one.  You have a better chance of saving your marriage if you get professional help. You’ll be better equipped to deal with the trauma of infidelity if you seek individual counseling for yourself as well.

Build a support team.  

You need someone to confide in about your husband’s infidelity.  Don’t try to get through this alone. Surround yourself with people who care about you and have your best interests at heart.  

Protect yourself sexually.  

Your husband’s infidelity can have life-threatening consequences for you. If he’s cheating, your health is at risk.  You’re already a victim of infidelity. Don’t become a victim of HIV/AIDS too.

Find out your legal rights.

Consult an attorney who specializes in matrimonial law. Get a clear understanding of what you're legally entitled to (alimony, child support, division of marital assets) in the event of a divorce or separation.

Put your financial house in order.  

Get a realistic view of your current financial situation and make the necessary adjustments. Establish credit in your own name. Set up a separate checking or savings account.  Start putting money aside for a rainy day.  

Make sure you’re equipped to earn a living.  

Many women remain in adulterous relationships because they’re financially dependant on their husbands. Do what you can to make yourself employable.  Brush up on your skills.  Take some college courses.  Learn a trade.  If the worst comes, you’ll be in a position to support yourself. 

Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally.  

Accept the possibility that your marriage may end.  Don’t be caught off guard. Have an “Infidelity Game Plan” in place.   Begin formulating your strategy now, for what you will do if your husband moves out or asks for a divorce.

Focus your energy and efforts on the practical things you can do to make the best of a bad situation. If you implement the suggestions above, you’ll succeed in gaining the upper hand.

To receive a FREE Special Report entitled “5 Things You Shouldn’t Do If He’s Cheating on You”, send an e-mail to:  with "5 Things" in the subject line.


© Copyright 2005 Ruth Houston.   All rights reserved.



About the Author:


Infidelity expert Ruth Houston is the author of Is He Cheating on You?-829 Telltale Signs, a comprehensive guide which documents practically every known sign of infidelity.   This book, the first in a series,  is based on 10 years of in-depth research on infidelity which began when she accidentally discovered her now ex-husbands affair. Ruth has been quoted in the New York Times, the Toronto Sun, the New York Post, Cosmopolitan, the Christian Science Monitor, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Marie Claire and numerous other publications here and abroad. Ruth has also been a guest on Good Day New York, TalkAmerica, Telemundo, BBC, The Breakfast Club, Caracol Radio Network, ClearChannel  Network, the Mike Gallagher Show, and 1010WINS and over 100 radio and TV talk shows in the US, Europe, South America, and the Caribbean.

In addition to writing about infidelity, Ruth also conducts seminars on infidelity and does
personal infidelity consultations by e-mail, private chat (IM) or by phone.  To schedule a personal infidelity consultation with Ruth Houston, or to request information on fees or consultation times, send an email to with “consultation” in the subject line.  For more information on infidelity, visit



To interview Ruth Houston, please call 718 592-6039 or email Ruth at   For more information on infidelity, visit the PRESS ROOM at

Web Site: Is He Cheating on You?

Reader Reviews for "How Wives with Cheating Husbands Can Gain the Upper Hand"

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Reviewed by Gwen Dickerson 3/10/2005
Very well written and informative article! Your book should be required reading for all women, since cheating, unfortunately, is so common these days.
Reviewed by m j hollingshead 3/9/2005
good article!
Reviewed by Rosemarie Skaine 3/8/2005
Well done. R

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