Revenge of the Hungry American
edited: Saturday, April 16, 2005
By Bob Holt
Rated "G" by the Author.
Posted: Saturday, April 16, 2005
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Some fast-food restaurants are trying to take a hungry, yet diet-crazed country and lead it back to the buffet table.
Summer will be here soon, and it's time to start getting into shape. Most people want to lose a few pounds so they can look their best for vacations, and the time they spend at their local beach.
Wait a minute. According to my highly reasoned and well-thought out calculations, there is just one minor, technical flaw in the above statements.
They're a load of bull.
In case anyone hasn't noticed, there's a movement going on in this country, and it's headed in the direction of the all you can eat buffet table. America is hungry, and it's not going to take it anymore. We're sick of Caesar salads, and we're trading them in on Little Caesar's. South Beach is closed for the summer, and word on the subway is that it's time to let that freak Jared's pants out again.
Pioneering this new movement are our friends at fast-food outlet Burger King, who have literally taken that load of bull by the horns and made a monster out of it. They have come to realize that today's standard breakfast menu of two lettuce leaves and eight ounces of low-fat, Atkins approved water is just not all that filling anymore.
They've unleashed the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, which consists of one sausage patty, two American cheese slices, two eggs, and three strips of bacon. This comes to 730 calories and 47 grams of fat for one huge sandwich.
The Burger King people say that this sandwich is designed for those people who still enjoy a hearty breakfast. These people will eat more by 8 AM than most people do all day. And there is little doubt that the customer will be full by the time his paramedic returns with the check.
But the fact that they reportedly sold 750,000 of these sandwiches during its first week seems to indicate a favorable response, and that no cardiologist's child will be left behind this year when it comes to a big college fund.
Meanwhile, Burger King wasn't even the first company to realize that America had been verging on anorexic. Last November, Hardees broke out the Monster Thickburger- two one third pound slabs of Angus beef, three slices of cheese, four strips of bacon, and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun. Angioplasty is served separately.
The Monster contains 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat-about the equivalent of eating a supermodel. The home company of Hardees- CPR-I mean CKE Restaurants, Inc. seem to feel that they're filling a void in customers' stomachs which has been left by current health food trends. They understand that the annoying, pain in the ass ninety pound girl who works in everyone's office, is always dieting and only eats one lettuce leaf for breakfast could scarf down about three Monster Thickburgers at one sitting. You know she could.
Granted, these sandwiches have the ability to clog more arteries than the New Jersey Turnpike at rush hour. But it's a well known and proven fact that any food which is scientifically proven to be good for you tastes nearly as good as fresh, but yet rancid rat-infested garbage. Only good food contains more calories.
Even those stupid reality shows have gone in a heavyweight direction. The past few years have seen the additions of My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancιe, Fat Actress, Fat Bachelor, and still in the planning stages, America's Next Top Fat Obnoxious Bastard.
What does all of this mean? Well, maybe we worry too much about our health these days. I've seen people jogging in the rain or in twenty degree weather. This is not a runner's high, this is delirium. We diet, count our carbohydrates, and try fruits and herbs like ginseng, whatever that is. No one knows what it is. But we're supposed to try it. It may be of no more nutritional value than our own home remedies which usually involve Jack Daniels.
And we spend hours a week on the Stairmaster, and become anxious about our appearance. And the last time I checked, anxiety was unhealthy, then we have to ask our doctor about Zoloft. People are often afraid of what their doctors will tell them, because your doctor has access to a rectal thermometer and is not afraid to use it.
Not everyone has the temperament to work out and stay in the best possible condition. But if your home is filled with chafing dishes containing leftover Monster Thickburgers you've been bringing home and you're feeling unhealthy, chances are you've been using the dishes wrong.
Then again, if someone rolls you back into the ocean when you're lying on the beach and harpoons happen to be involved, you might want to think about the occasional salad. But you shouldn't be too upset because we're also told that too much sun is unhealthy, and the shade you provide other beach patrons will be a valuable community service.
And contrary to popular belief, the best diets in the world won't make us look like Demi Moore or Jessica Simpson on the beach. Although Michael Moore and Homer Simpson may just be within reach. And a whole lot more fun. Just one word of advice: don't let that freak Jared beat you to the all you can eat buffet.
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|Reviewed by Darlene Caban
|Grossest thing I've ever seen at a buffet: WHOLE crawfish! I thought I was back in Biology class!
Those lettuce-leaf eating idiot women also belong to gyms... in case they drink more than half the can of Slim-Fast for lunch and feel bloated, they spend 3 hours on a treadmill after work. I wave to them as I walk next door to the buffet... life is good! :)
|Reviewed by Cynthia Borris
I love the line about the Cardiologist's kid having a robust college fund. You served this intellectual meal to perfection. Two thumbs up, Bob!
|Reviewed by Tinka Boukes
|Now all this food talking/reading made me so hungry I can eat everything Ed was talking about...geeeeez have mercy on a overweightheart!!
|Reviewed by Ed Matlack
|This coming from a skin and bones type of guy, at least from the picture on your bio...personally I have always asked for the sandwhiches where when you eat them you can just hear your arteries hardening, wet and wild cheesesteaks with fried onions and double extra cheese and BBQ sauce, and to top it all off a diet pepsi, of the 2 liter variety!!...now thats a meal...LOL! Who started all this diet stuff anyway, lets take him or her out and shoot them with a lettuce cannon...As always, Bob, I enjoyed this no end...go to WAWA in the lunch hour and try their Pepperoni and Cheese sandwhich, it is delicious, I have eaten two for both lunch, then again dinner...Ed|
|Reviewed by Regina Pounds
|Well put, Bob. Seems few people remember the golden rule...the meaning of the words 'natural' and 'moderation.' Then again: it's all about business, isn't it?
Great article, as always.