Pseudo-expert Savannah Lawless explains the modern principles of feminism to a befuddled man.
I need a discerning woman's point of view. Lacking that, I'd like yours.
I'm dating a woman who is making what I consider to be unreasonable demands on me. She seems to expect attention from me when I am neither horny nor cold nor hungry! What's with this? I'll let her know when I need something from her. What can I do to shut her up between times?
Ah, the feminine mystique. Women can be such adorable, yet inscrutable, characters to men. It’s my pleasure to demystify this experience for you, Rick.
I hope you don’t mind that I shared your letter at last week’s meeting of the Scrub Brush Springs Feminist Action Committee and Bridge Club. It’s a small group of Santa Fe area socialites and seasonally-resident celebrities. Our mission is to educate men on the principles of feminism in friendly, non-threatening ways and to promote a politically-correct view of women. Past projects have included a state fair booth entitled “You’ll Never Attract a Man at that Weight” (educating women about the dangers of weighing more than 112 pounds); Sex-Appeal Scrabble (a traveling exhibit aimed at middle-school girls, who won prizes for spelling out words like “augmentation” on a giant puzzle board); and “She’s Not High-Maintenance: Exploding Feminist Myths” (a lecture series for men, outlining the three feminist fundamentals of equality [financial], reproductive rights [the ability to control one’s own body to trap a man by pregnancy], and liberation [the right to use sex as a tool of influence]).
By the way, the SBSFACBC is a registered 501(c)3 charity [note from Elizabeth: no it’s not] and accepts donations to further its mission. Just a little something to keep in mind when tax-planning season rolls around.
Now then, Rick, we passed your letter around during our last meeting and came up with the following determination: the problem is you. If your girlfriend is talking too much, making excessive demands on you, it’s because you’re not fulfilling some key need of hers. Here are suggestions from SBSFACBC members on how to improve the situation.
Rwana G.: The answer here is money. Just give your girlfriend a wad of cash and send her off shopping. That should give you the peace and quiet you desire.
Elaine V.d.L.: If you don’t want her pestering you, you’re going to have to give her something else to do. Membership in the local gardening club, ceramics classes, a trip to Maui with friends – that sort of thing.
Shirley M.: I remember, in a past life, that one of my boyfriends would give me a single red rose whenever I was getting on his nerves. It was his romantic way of telling me to shut up. I think I was a scullery maid and he was a crown prince. My memory’s a little hazy.
Bella d.S.R.-K.: I find that whenever my hubby gives me a new sports car, I like to take long drives whenever I can. Maybe that would work for your girlfriend.
Jane F.: Offer to pay for her facelift. She’ll be too swollen and sore to talk much. While you’re at it, why not spring for his-and-her liposuction? It sure beats exercising.
Vincentia T.: Tell her that although you’re not married, you think it would be a good idea for her to take one of these trendy “marriage sabbaticals” for a few months. Then send her to your summer home.
Courteney A.: This is so easy! Hire a pool boy.
Queenie C.: Give her a new platinum card.
Julia R.: Sometimes Benjamin told me I talked too much, so I went off and started talking to George Clooney instead. You can see where that got me.
Savannah L.: Three words: gin, vermouth, olive. Repeat. Frequently.
So there you have it, Romeo Rick! Ten ways to improve communication with your girlfriend in order for you both to have a fulfilling, loving relationship. The SBSFACBC is so pleased to have been able to perform yet another public service by solving your problem. If we can ever be of assistance in the future, please don’t hesitate to write!
Good luck, dear!
© 2001 Elizabeth Hanes