So—my humour is said to be questionable. Here’s a collection of things I find funny. We’ll begin with the cartoon. It was the first piece of paper attached to a broken-down cigarette-vending machine in the tea-room at the Marine Studies Group, way back in the 1970s. The vending machine was used as a notice board. I’ve no idea who drew the cartoon so I can’t attribute it—but I think it’s incredibly funny.
Comments about me - Dave Field: Lew Matthews, when upset by me as his boss—“He’s a pedantic Pommie prick.” Steve Taylor, in admiration at the way I’d shown someone to be wrong and insulted them in a single sentence—“You’re always at your best when you’re making a **** of yourself, Dave.” Ron Blackmore—“He’s a liar, a drunk and a womaniser.” My mother, making an accurate prediction about me—“You’re a dreamer and yer’ll ALWAYS be a dreamer!” Graeme Lacey, fifteen years after we’d first met—“When I first met you I didn’t like you at all.” Rick Barrow, when I’d given the Big White Chief of the Marine Studies Group a great deal of angst—“I don’t think you’re the blue-eyed boy here any more, Dave.” My mother, making an almost-accurate prediction about me—“You’re like yer bloody father—yer full of bloody good ideas but yer never make any bloody money out of ’em!” Peter Garone, on being asked about me by someone who was considering offering me a job—“He doesn’t suffer fools gladly...” Lynton Fritz—“You’re the most level-headed **** I know.” My partner Margi Hine on a special occasion—“Oooh! If I hadn’t had me tubes tied that woulda gotta baby!”
Comments by Dave Field: Admiring a lady’s bosom—“You wouldn’t get many ’er them in a pound.” Hearing a car being driven very fast along the road outside his house—“It’s all ’e’s got, you know.” On being advised by a lady that she is with child—“Have you found out what caused it?” On being advised by a lady that she is once more with child—“Haven’t you found out what’s causing it yet?” On being asked his opinion about the footy—“The only people more stupid then those who play football are those who watch ’em doing it.” On being asked his opinion about the cricket—“The only people more stupid then those who play cricket are those who watch ’em doing it.” A footnote added to letters and postcards—“Boils lanced while you wait.” Holding a dead cat up for a neighbour to admire—“If you leave it to dry out for a week you can use it for a bookmark.” While watching a lady in need of better chest support—“Looks like two small boys fighting under a blanket.” Shouted into a crowded menswear shop while in a cubicle trying on new clothes—“I can’t get it to flush!” Consoling someone who was depressed—“Cheer up, mate. It’s not your fault you’re an arsehole.”
Fascinating one-liners: Billy Connolly—“The best thing John Howard does for Australia is show us what Harry Potter’s going to look like when he gets old.” Condoleeza Rice—“I wouldn’t describe sending an additional twenty thousand American soldiers to Iraq as an escalation.” John Howard—“No, there’s no way a GST will ever be part of our policy.” Don Palmer—“He’s as appealing as a turd in a glass of milk.” Shane Hine—“She’s as ugly as a bag of broken spanners.” Bill Clinton—“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
Funny Lines: From “Open All Hours”: Granville—“Jamaican ginger cake! I bet it’s never been anywhere near Jamaica.” Arkwright—“I don’t see what that’s got to do with anything. We sell Mars Bars.” From “The Morecambe and Wise Show” Ernie Wise—“Why’ve you got a stamp on your tongue?” Eric Morecambe—“Oh! That’s where I left it.” From “Porridge’ Lennie, speaking about Fletch—“He unwraps 'is Bounty Bars under water so I can’t hear he’s got one.” From a stage performance by Les Dawson—“There was a knock at the door. It was the wife’s mother—I knew it was ’er because the mice were ’urlin’ ’emselves at the trap.” From “The Last Goon Show of All” “Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.” From a stage performance by Peter Cooke (or Dudley Moore)—“I once knew a bloke who had the worst job in the world. He was the bloke who had to pick the lobsters out of Jane Mansfield’s arse while she wuz asleep.” While working on a boat in Darwin Harbour, immediately before demonstrating his new-found skill, Steve Taylor—“I’ve found the most disgusting way to eat an apple is...” In the tea room of the Marine Studies Group, everyone having silently watched an extremely well-endowed female technical assistant announce there’s no milk, then wander off to buy some- Nick Holmes, marine biologist—“’Ow a girl with tits the size of ’ers can say there’s no milk is beyond me.” From the film ‘The Last Boy Scout’. Actor Bruce Willis: “He’s a mean bastard—the kind of person who’d shove an umbrella up your arse ’n then open it.”
A joke: A burglar vaults over a fence and into the garden of a house, and makes his way on to the verandah. He hears a high-pitched voice squeak, “Jesus is watching you.” He stops, nonplussed, then moves forward again. The voice squeaks once more, “Jesus is watching you.” He looks around, and in the faint light sees a parrot on a perch. “What’s your name?” he asks. The parrot replies, “Clarence.” The burglar laughs and asks, “What kind of idiot calls his parrot ‘Clarence’?” and the parrot replies, “The same idiot who calls his Rottweiler ‘Jesus’.”
Another joke: A man is walking down a street when suddenly he realises he’s outside a house where he attended a party and got very drunk. The only thing he can remember about the event is that the house had the most amazing plumbing. He knocks at the door and it’s flung open by an evil, aggressive-looking woman. “Yes?’ she states. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I attended a party here recently, and I couldn’t helping noting that yours was the only house I’ve ever visited where there was a golden lavatory.” The woman eyed him for a moment, then turned and called out, “Arthur!” There was a muffled reply. And she called out again. “I’ve found the bloke who shit in yer tuba!”