Fools for Love
edited: Thursday, March 01, 2007
By Andrea L Conley
Rated "PG" by the Author.
Posted: Thursday, March 01, 2007
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Why Some Men Treat Some Women Like Doormats
Fools For Love
(or, Why Some Men Treat Some Women Like Doormats)
My name is not Joe Isuzu, but I think there is a message blinking on my forehead nonetheless. “Tell me your business” seems to be emblazoned just above my eyebrows, because people often want to ‘overshare’ about their personal affairs when I’m around. As such, I tend to find out a whole lot more than I ever want to know about the love lives of my friends, neighbors, co-workers and even strangers.
Well, I guess since I have to know these things I might as well take note of the valuable lessons that come out and, hopefully, help others along the way.
As women, we often wonder why men won’t commit to us. The short answer is: there are dozens of reasons. Some men are dogs. They want their cookies and milk and ice cream and cake and chicken and rice.
But a lot of men are not dogs at all. They have various reasons for their reticence to commit. Some of their reasons involve economics. “I’m not even close to being in the position to support a wife and family.” “I am not where I need to be in my career.” “I am too deeply in debt right now.” Some of their reasons are emotional issues. “My mom and dad fought constantly.” “My dad walked out when I was a year old.” “I was married before and she slept with the guy next door.” “My ex is a psycho and I want to wait until she is done stalking me before I bring someone else into my life.”
But a lot of times when a man doesn’t want to commit, the reason is directly connected to the woman who is trying to convince him to do it.
My co-worker, Georgia met a great brother a couple of years back. Good-looking, well-read, and drug- and disease-free. Every woman wants one just like him. The problem is, after about a year, Georgia started feeling that itch.
She was mid-to-late thirties and that damned biological clock was ticking so loudly you could hear it in the United Kingdom. She started to open up to him about how she was hoping they could start making plans for the future.
It was not necessarily a bad thing she did. But not necessarily a good thing, either. Boyfriend was recently divorced. He had lost a lot in the process, financially, emotionally, all kinds of loss. The last thing he wanted to talk about was putting himself out there again. But Georgia forgot all about that. All she could think about was her needs.
Nothing wrong with that either. Her big mistake was to keep insisting that HE meet her needs. If you go to an auto supply store and ask for fresh-cut flowers, guess what? You won’t get them. If you stand there all day and argue with the clerk about how badly you want some pink roses to give your granny for her birthday, you still will not get the fresh cut flowers. Unless and until you go somewhere else. If you leave the auto supply and drive a few blocks down the street to Wal-mart or Central Market, you will most assuredly get those fresh cut flowers in a hurry.
When a woman meets a man who won’t or can’t meet her needs, she should move on. Staying there and pleading with the brother, trying to convince him that he can or he should or that she will wait until he does, is pointless.
The woman gets cheated out of the chance to meet a man who might be at that very moment, ready, willing and waiting to have a woman just like her, with whom he can make plans for the future. While Boyfriend who is just not in the place to do that gets pressure, guilt and resentment going back and forth in this relationship which has outlived its usefulness at the moment when both parties no longer want the same thing.
Georgia kept ignoring Boyfriend when he told her (and showed her) that he just did not want to go there. He would stop returning her calls for weeks at a time. She would then show up un-announced at his door at 2:30 a.m, alternately crying, cussing and pleading.
Exhausted, he would play along with her “let’s work things out” speech for a few weeks, and then he would vanish again. He later told me that even if he had been interested in getting engaged, it would never had been to Georgia. She was too weak, too needy and too desperate and didn’t have enough pride or self respect.
Most brothers want a woman who is strong, independent and who loves herself more than she loves her man. Georgia just didn’t get it. She didn’t get Boyfriend either. Last I heard, he moved in with his high school sweetheart, and they’re planning a June wedding.
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|Reviewed by Nordette Adams
|You make many good points here, Andrea. I like the anecdotal information. I tend to go with the philosophy expressed in the book He's Just Not That Into You, which is the same as the title. I think even when a woman is needy or has other issues, if a man is into her, he'll leap over buildings trying to commit. It's probably a body chemistry thing.
I don't actually believe most men want a strong woman, however. I think they want a woman who can do her thing without them, but who will become submissive and docile when they want her to kowtow. Men like women on men's terms. It takes a strong man to let a woman be strong, have her own opinions even when those opinions disagree with his, possibly earn more money and be actually smarter too. Studies bear this out. Men tend to marry women that they feel are not as bright and successful as they are themselves. So, all these lines about "she was so needy" don't ring true. If she were needy and looked like Halle Berry or some other type of woman that aroused his physical interest, then some concessions would probably be made for her neediness.
That being said, in a true relationship between equally mature parties, both people compromise. If you're not willing to compromise and lose part of yourself (this goes for both male and female), then you're not ready for a true relationship. As for your friend Georgia, she wasn't paying attention, and it does sound like she has some self-esteem issues. On some level she thinks it takes a man to make her whole, or at least she thought that man was the one who would do it. Whenever we think it takes another person to complete us, we're headed for trouble.
I've learned from my own experience and from observing my friends that when it comes to statements like "I don't want to commit," if a man tells you what he is, believe him. ;-) Good advice for anyone, in my opinion, is avoid men who just came out of a long-term relationship or marriage. Be suspicious of the ones who want to hop right back into a relationship because they probably also have neediness issues. Get back to them when they've healed up and know what the hell they want themselves. Don't be desperate and grab at anything male.
And when we are too needy, and we know this about ourselves, we should wonder if the man is really attracted to us or actually attracted to damsels in distress. If he suffers from damsel-in-distress syndrome, then soon enough another damsel in distress will come along, most likely when you've gotten your act together, and off he'll go to that one. It takes discernment to know why some people seek us out, but often its our own desires that blind us.
And about the high-school sweetheart. That's probably the one he was really into all along. He was looking in his rear view mirror, hoping to go back in time.
As you can see, I enjoyed reading this topic. You give some good advice, but I'm older and have seen more nonsense. LOL.
PS: You might get kick out of this article by Iva Lawson.